Description: like fallen, this poem was about a friend that i thought i had lost. but recently me and this person are friends again and i'm glad. so instead of writing something dark, i decided to go on my true feelings. criticism and comments are greatly appreciated.
Risen -------------------------------------------
'just like the sun
in many ways we are
soaring upwards
we are rising
stare out the window
see the lanscape
feel the compassion
the urge to live
stand there watching
warm and welcoming
waiting for the embrace
it is love from its base
the feeling of compassion
is overwhelming
looking around at it all
then it is gone
torn away
as if it were a dream
run to the outside
just to realize
it is gone
and so am I
then the warmth overcomes
giving courage and wisdom
the love comes back
I have risen'
i read a few of your poems and i really enjoyed them all. its good at such a young age to have a grasp on feelings and the importance of the world around you. one thing i could offer not on a piece by piece basis but as a writer over all is to try to take your self out of your world and put your self in some one elses. then write from their perspective. see what it feels like and how it might change the style you have. but really a good poem and im glad i read it. also thanks for the comments on tookie. that poems really important to me:). -jon
Actually, the Sun does move - it has its own orbit just like the Earth revolves around the sun... I don't know who taught that commenter basic science, but yea... hmm lol... here's a weblink if you or anyone else wants to know... http://starchild.gsfc.nasa.gov/docs/StarChild/questions/question18.html
Pure feeling is always fine! What the hell is poetry about? Of course there's always the intellectual side but yea, it's mostly about emotion to me (another moot point I had to disagree with)... and to inject the Sun as a simile for that rising compassionate feeling you have stated here is a nice thing to write about.
It's good to see youngsters like yourself not writing about crappy overdone negative subjects like cutting and suicide... it's like "yawn, next" you know? So kudos for bringing a positive element into one of your writes.
One stanza is almost redundant in my opinion - it's been overdone and doesn't really do this piece justice... try cutting it out and reading how the poem flows without this part - 'cry out no cry out why how can this be? was it just a memory?' - I dunno, it just doesn't go down well with me.
I also felt that your fourth stanza, lines one and four were a bit overlong to look at... I'd suggest breaking this up a bit to have a more even look to it... to something like - 'the feeling of compassion is overwhelming
looking around at it all then it is gone torn away as if it were a dream' - ok, I know that you were wanting even four line stanzas but that two line stanza is in the very middle if you cut out that fifth stanza altogether.
Forgive my tampering, but it's really very minor and I think it tightens up this piece dramatically... take a look and tell me what you think - 'just like the sun in many ways we are soaring upwards we are rising
stare out the window see the lanscape feel the compassion the urge to live
stand there watching warm and welcoming waiting for the embrace it is love from its base
the feeling of compassion is overwhelming
looking around at it all then it is gone torn away as if it were a dream
run to the outside just to realize it is gone and so am I
then the warmth overcomes giving courage and wisdom the love comes back I have risen' - it's amazing what a subtle rearrangement and the deletion of redundant parts can do, don't you think?
But you know that these are only my personal (and biased) suggestions - so use them if it fits in with your intentions... or not, that's totally up to you man.
All my friends who became enemies, stayed enemies. Jeez.
Interesting piece. I doubt I'd ever be able to write a poem of a similar topic because IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING.
-cough-
Very enlightening work. You make me feel bad. I suppose i should go and apologize to all my friends-turned-enemies, had your poem struck me with greater impact.
Thankfully, it's not quite there yet. I thank you.
Hahahha, just kidding. Good job, nonetheless. I know a lot of us cant say the things you're saying right now.
"The sun never rises it stays in one place and we revolve around it,"
Sheesh, you'd think that a poet could a least grab the art in a sunrise.
I think this is a good piece, but it's not as powerful as the "The Fallen". I think it's weakness is in time flow. The first three stanzas are either disant past or now; the next three are recent past; the last is now. Maybe if that was spelled out a little more with transitional phrases, the poem would flow better. You might be able to play with verb tense as well.
I really like the concept behind this, particularly coupled with "The Fallen".
This is a good syorry but sorry dude I think as poetry in a diffrent style. but there are al kinds of poetry out there but read some of mine and tell me if u can see what is my style of poetry. Like listen to some Atmosphere he is a white rapper he says alot of cood poetry. and it all ryhms.
I really liked this I can tell from this write this relationship was very important to you When you lost it you felt like a piece of you had been broken off And then when you became friends again All is now healed Dont lose this Friendship I can tell it is one that is extremely important to you Im glad you found love again Take Care Ron
Please if you get a chance please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron
While I think that uncommon_flu was a little harsh in his criticism that the sun never rises given that people frequently reference the sun rising and setting above below the horizon and numerous poems and songs allude to this
Sun Arise come every mornin' Sun Arise come every mornin' Sun Arise come every mornin' Bringin' back the warmth to the ground
to name but one, I also think that maybe something like an eagle would give you that sense of freedom and would fit better with soaring upwards. You can still retain the sun for the sense of warmth that comes from friendship. Indeed, eagles in the sun would be an interesting image to go with and you could even explore the idea of your friend taking flight and returning and bird call or screech ‘cry out no’ Indeed, there is a great deal that you could do with this poem. Minor detail there’s a spelling error in landscape. I agree that the sudden introduction of rhyme is unnecessary. The first line of the fourth stanza seems overly long maybe you could go with ‘feeling overwhelming compassion.’ If you do decide to revise this poem let me know I’d be more than happy to take another look. Take care Comradenessie
ok I decided to greatly analyze your poem for you since the last one I read, and didn't like, this one im going to tell you what I really think about it in monotonous wayz
just like the sun, in many ways we are, soaring upwards, we are rising,
The sun never rises it stays in one place and we revolve around it, this is just pure feeling you are puttin' into. You could have said just like birds or anything that takes flight towards freedom and that symbolizes freedom, anything that moves you should have used, this is a nice line in thought... but as I said earlier the sun never moves
stare out the window, see the lanscape, feel the compassion, the urge to live,
yes! this makes more sense (in every aspect.) Viewing one's environment and taking a serene look at things can calm one... Its like therepy, taking in beauty and view, blah blah blah lovey fuzzies you know good stanza
stand there watching, warm and welcoming, waiting for the embrace, it is love from its base,
this is more abstract imagery in my oppinon. More like you 2 cuddling, yes i can see that
the feeling of compassion is overwhelming, looking around at it all, then it is gone, torn away as if it were a dream,
you linked in the enviorment stanza and the embracing stanza was pretty well thought in this part, a little choopy but yea
cry out no, cry out why, how can this be? was it just a memory?
you having lost eachother was pretty good (don't see how this matched your description for "happy" lol). this could be better as for more complexity.
Also if your gonna rhyme the last 2 why not rhyme the first 2??? just my question
run to the outside, just to realize, it is gone, and so am I,
again this is starting to get depressing... what happened to the happy? But yea you used simple words and they could be bigger and better these words are so commonly used in poetry that it has lost all feelings to them... sounding monotonous and overused. you can lose an audience using these words too much, understand you have to use them in small amounts, using them to rhyme in 4 line stanza poems will not only kill the view, but your rating.
then the warmth overcomes, giving courage and wisdom, the love comes back, I have risen
this... im sorry was highly unexpected ending, which in a way is good, but really sorry. There is more you could've put into the poem before this rather than, we're all happy-get depressed for 2 bars- then you come back and everything's all honky dorey... sorry that ending lacked creativity.
I really liked this poem, the only suggestion I have is take out the coma's. They break up the poem too much. I used to be just like that, but make it more like a thought. Only break it up when you need a pause not at the end of each line.
That said I think it was well written, a beautiful story. I really liked the way that you discribed it, rising. Very cool. I could feel your happiness. take care ~jennifer
Submission Name: Risen
