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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Videdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    34/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 846
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 879



    Description:
       dipping into the 'classic' metaphors - quick but hopefully not too 'ho-hum'
    FYI:- "vide" is french for "empty"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lightening takes a photo
    a garish flash;
    then it's dark,
    but the negative burns your lids-
    Can't reach your eyes wide though,
    if you can keep them that way.
    I'm so fagged,
    so much more trite
    than I thought I would be.

    The bitumen disappears
    under the dirt,
    those damn reflectors
    of hazard red and white-
    they're no good in the rain,
    they don't exist outside of civilisation.

    Scratch around for the last ten minutes
    or years,
    where did the road go?
    Vide?
    Bruised knees are all the rage:
    in guilt, remorse and plain boredom.
    And another small white cross
    illuminated by lightning
    winks by;
    as good as a reflector,
    too late.




    Submitted on 2005-11-30 10:39:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey TD .. as you would have noticed I really liked this poem, but you had been away for more than three days before I think so I couldn't comment at the time.

    I was firstly wonderinf if you meant to write lightening .. or lightning , not knowing any other of your work I have no way to be certain whether this is a typo or a very clever slight change with the expected lightning image ..this way you get both the association that our mind would have to what was expected and the intended more original meaning .. the way I read it .. like a spot light that comes on like a flash ..

    s3 .. the first line here .. I wanst sure about having the ..( or years ) in brackets .. I think it could possibly look better if you just made a line shift and had these two words by themselves as l2 with no brackets .. if yo usee what I mean _ ..

    concerning the word Vide .. i believe in latin this means something like 'visual consulting' or something along those lines. Even without noticing the french meaning the first time I read it . .the statement prior .. where did the road go and your following image of bruised knees sort of gave me an empty image .. a sort of pointless consulting into ...well emptiness. .So maybe I managed to get what you meant without knowing the french _ ,.. heh ..

    I have a feeling this poem talks about and highlights how our life on the road ..our stampede up industrial stairs is done wit ha set of blinders to our symbols .. ones we only notice in a flash in our peripheral attention when it is too late .. as we rushed by when it whispered .. I think this poem expresses allott of the lost potential that lies in our smooth roads ..good write, cheers ...

    Christia n. ..
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. this write is a nightmare! Bravo!
    I get the impression of the narrator tearing through life recklessly.

    I disagree with the knight I think the stanza

    "I'm so fagged,
    so much more trite
    than I thought I would be."

    should be kept in. especially since you used the word "fagged"... it had the bullish clockwork orange feel.


    Very cool use of methaphor... driving blindly through life as if life is a storm... and the only illumination are those breif instances of lightening chaos.

    bam. its gone. you almost forget... just the imprint lingers but the mind wanders...


    aimless.


    but this poem wasnt aimless, now was it?
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the ambiance here, and I really want to get the whole thing. It's really close.

    I'm not getting anything from "Vide". Is it the name of a lost, loved one? Google isn't helping; I'm sure you don't mean "Volunteers for India Development and Empowerment" or "Virus Identification Data Exchange". LOL

    What I'm getting is a terribly tired, exhausted driver driving through a terrible storm on a terrible day for him personally. In the end, he's sees a cross memorializing an earlier death at this same spot. Soon there will be two crosses here, one perhaps a bit faded, one starkly fresh.

    Can we have a few details?

    Steve

    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it could be clarified a lot more - it was rather confusing the first read through. It's not a problem with the length, but the apparent incohereance of the peice. (Yeah, I know that's spelt wrong . . .)

    Perhaps you could take away

    "I'm so fagged,
    so much more trite
    than I thought I would be."

    because that doesn't seem to really add anything.

    The overall thing seems to be a dramatic scorning of the efficiency of reflectors in the form of some kind of accident . . . that sounds kinda nonsensical, really, but I just can't pull any other meaning out of it . . .

    Oh well, perhaps I should not have commented, but here it is anyway :)
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]


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