Take the bullet for you,
I'm hospitalized right now.
Blood dripping from my heart,
but I am only worried for you.
I might be harsh with my words,
but I meant well.
Falling for someone who ain't real,
who ain't worth your time,
someone you really might know at all.
I cried tears for you sometimes,
when bad times came in I let you have my good ones.
When the cold settled over us I lent you all of my warmth.
Yet he's twisting you,
From the beggining I knew nothing was good.
Nonetheless you won't hear me out now.
Even the others are pained for you.
Taking most of the wounds you recieve for their own.
No listenting, your confused, your disgusted, your maimed from the inside.
But now I give in,
no more crying for you sake,
no more worring.
Good luck my friend, my sister of the heart.
Hope you tie,
instead of winning,
| The flow here is good. A rather intense wave. I tend to be one who feels the pain of others, and there have been times where I've experienced similar things for the sake of friends. There have even been times where some have had to be cut loose. I do like your style and the way you've arranged your feelings in this peice. Very nice. Keep up the good work.||| Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by thepowerglider | [ Reply to This ] || This is awesome|
This write to me shows your love for your fellow man or woman
I loved the ending when you feel the person needs to shine on there own and your hoping it ends in a tie
A tie to me means there is no winner
because in the game of Life no one wins
No one person is stronger then another
And Thank You for the recent comments
I always enjoy hearing from you
Your writing is well beyond your years
|| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ] || I can definetly relate to this, wonderful poem... But if I may, a few suggestions.|
In the first stanza, fourth line, instead of "but I am only worried for you." maybe use "but I only worry for you". It helps the flow go better I think.
In the second stanza, the first and second lines where it says "I might be harsh with my words,
but I meant well." It's kind of switching from past and present tense...maybe pick one? Possibly you did that on purpose, I'm not sure.
Instead of using "ain't" in the second stanzas 3rd and 4th lines I'd suggest using isn't. I understand why you used ain't, but it doesnt do the poem good, I dont think.
Then in the fourth stanza, the fourth line where you say "Nonetheless you won't hear me out now." I don't think you need the now in there...maybe your saying that before she did and now she's not, then I would understand that but otherwise, it just throws off the flow a bit.
I know that seems like alot, oh I hope you dont hate me now. But they are only simple things, little suggestions you dont have to listen to, just my thoughts.
I really liked it, it was something I am going through right now with one of my friends. Good luck dear.
|| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ] || IVery well written. Your breaks were all put in the right place. You seemed to have sacraficed a lot for this person, and they wouldn't return the feeling. I agree with lucian in that it conveys a very good message. Your friend seems quite ungreatful to what people did for her in the past, and you protray that effectively.|
|| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ] || I thought it was a very good, but sad poem, i think it conveyed a very strong msg. Maybe this isnt what you meant, but it seems as thoug a freind of yours has gotten involved with some guy you dont think is good for her? right? and she wont listen to you, really, i think it's a beautiful poem, not too long, very neat, very inspiring from a literary standpoint, excellant job, well done. Most definately adding to my fav. list :).|
|| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by lucianraven | [ Reply to This ] |