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Once Upon a Winter


Author: Day DreaMeR
ASL Info:    19/F/somewhere
Elite Ratio:    6.23 - 853 /408 /53
Words: 85
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1270
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 562



Description:


Mmm I'm not sure. I think it's ok but not great. Probably could use some work. What do you think???


Once Upon a Winter



Some say,
It's the most wonderful time of the year,
But in her life it wasn't always,
At one time winter wasn't so wonderful,
The snow was once like her tears,
And would fall constantly,
The cold air was like her heart,
It always felt cold and bitterness,
Once upon a winter,
The sun barely seemed to shine,
Snow always seemed to be slush,
Like her days she lived through,
And like her feelings,
They were like slush,
That seemed to be melting away




Submitted on 2005-11-30 20:30:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this is pretty good. i like the genaral idea and the feeling of the poem. but it seems a little choppy. like u would have to rush to say some lines and others u would have to slow down to get it to flow u know? overall i really like it tho.
| Posted on 2006-05-24 00:00:00 | by EmeRalDEyeZ5491 | [ Reply to This ]
  Generally, I thought this was a good concept. The comparions to snow melting with emotions and the cold and bitter hearts really do make the spine chill. Unfortunately, for me, a couple of thingy particularly stuck out, so I'm afraid this is going to be a constructively critical comment.

Firstly, the line "It always felt cold and bitterness" sticks out to me for two reasons. One, the word "cold" is mentioned in the previous line, and its clumsy to mention it again. Two, bitterness? To me, it makes no sense to include that word where it is, and it just sounds wrong.

:all comments are not intended to sound cruel and spiteful:

The second thing that stuck out to me was the use of the word "slush." From such sweet language as snow comes this word, which sounds unlinguistic and unpoetic and I think another word would be a lot better in place of it. Feelings like slush?<- sounds wrong. Feelings like frost?<- alliteration = good, but meh, couldn't really think of anything.

Sorry for the nitpicking comment, they were two little things, but in a short poem, it was more than I expected, lol, a good write otherwise, better than mine, cos I have none, lol. Anyway, hope you had a Merry Christmas, and best wishes for the new year.
-James
| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this very much. It was brief, yet the message of this female's pain was powerful. I loved the word usage chosen for this poem. It had a flow to it that was easy going, like taking us through the motions with the sadden female. And vivid details you gave whre on the mark for comparing her life and feelings with the cold and snow. A lovely write. I think by not adding alot you, left us, the reader, with alot for us to think about. Great job.

Maggie
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought the idea was a good start but i think you could add more. you could explain why she is so emotional and such. not directly, but in a way people would get. also you could use 'string vocabualry' as my lousy teacher would say. it will actually make your writing stronger.

It always felt cold and bitterness,

cold and bitterness are 'weak' words. there are more but this ia just an example. hope this helps.
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
  short and nice. i feel that its verry emotional. I like it theres so much in so little and i could never right something so sdhort yet so meing full. i love it.
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by patrick o_riley | [ Reply to This ]
  This was really good Brenna, but I feel that there could be so much more to this. Her life was hard...but why was it hard? Why did she feel the way that she did? And so on. I'd post more, but I gotta run! =p
Kriss
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by juss_kriss | [ Reply to This ]
  I love how you compared winter to "that girl." Winter, being my favorite season, is a very joyful time for me, but much like the person you write about, I feel very cold this time, and I can tell it's not from the air.
All and all, this was very well written, although, two lines stood out to me as not really fitting together:
The cold air was like her heart,
It always felt cold and bitterness,
I know you're saying that her heart feels cold and bitterness, but, maybe you could use "bitter" instead of "bitterness." I just know there's something missing, but I kinda lost my train of thought. Sorry
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by miss__smiles | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this Brenna
You got very deep here capturing your readers
Into wanting to know more
I dont know if it was the feeling you were going for but I got the feeling you were writing about Mother Nature and how she is sad because winter takes away a lot of the beauty spring and summer create in Nature
And I am so happy to see your name Again in my Comments
I missed you
I hope everything is going good with you
please keep in touch
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  your poem has some very strong elements, the title for one is a great thru line which you should use, maybe in the opening stanze to bring us in.

i think ya just need to take another look at it and cut, paste, edit it down to the core.

PLUS I'm a sucka for anything with "Winter" in the title
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this...I can relate quite easily also. The description was good but if I may, a few suggestions.

In the fourth line where you say "At one time winter wasn't so wonderful," use another word besides wonderful maybe? That one for me is a little iffy, I understand why you use it but it does interrupt the flow a tiny bit.

Then Instead of "...cold and bitterness..." use something in place of the word cold, you used it already in the line above and it just messes up the flow a bit.

Also, in the second to last line where you say "They were like slush". I dont think you need the like in that, because you already said "And 'like' her feelings".

I know that seems like alot, but it really isn't, just tiny things, suggestion you dont have to listen to.

Overall I really liked this, it was a great poem, and I felt the feeling and saddness in it...ones I have had often.

Keep up the good work dear, and hang in there.

-Miss M.
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good analogy poem. The only thing I could'nt quite get was the last line. Was it meant to mean that she was getting better or getting worse? Do you see what i mean?
The snow was once like her tears, and would fall constantly. That was my favorite analogy piece. And I would also advise using better adjectives in "It always felt cold and bitterness".
These are not bad, they are just used constantly. Not to change your poem for you,-Just my thoughts. From the way this poem reads out, it sounds like she's through this harsh season of life. Is this true or am I just misinturpreting? Anyways, good effort and I'll be reading more!

Jussy
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Jussy | [ Reply to This ]
  Hm. You explain that her life was hard, but you don't really explain WHY it was hard. The description is good, but we have nothing to relate it too. WHY was the cold air like her heart. WHY did she cry constantly. Just something to think about.


Less
| Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]


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