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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Simpledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lucianraven
    ASL Info:    21/M/Spfld Il
    Elite Ratio:    3.46 - 49/67/19
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Cutting or Mutilation
    Total Views: 996
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1020



    Description:
       Im Looking for mainly a way to get all this CRAP out of my VERY Fu<Ked up system, I'm like a millimeter away from saying "fu<k it world, ya'll can go on without me!" becuz im having a lot of trouble lately ya kno? this is more like random words stuck together i guess, but im gonna say it's poetry.... haha, if you like , let me know, if ur a pro shrink, LET ME KNO! and if ya hate it... well heck, let me know anyway!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Simpledots
    -------------------------------------------


    It seems so easy
    to put it down
    but too long without it...
    I begin to drown
    The pain i feel
    but can't be seen
    witnessed only
    in a razor's sheen
    I can feel it's touch
    soft, but sharp
    it becons to me
    like an angel's harp
    cool and smooth
    and,
    simple

    it seems so simple
    just one quick slice
    with a silver shard
    as cold as ice
    I like the pain
    but i think twice,
    it really isn't simple, is it

    my friends "encourage"
    me to quit
    but've underestimated
    one tiny bit
    The sharp appeal
    of an hour,
    and hour free of nightmares
    free of one pain,
    but replaced by another
    this one lesser,
    this one other
    but while it's their
    and im in it shrouded
    im not so clouded
    with despair

    not so simple, is it?




    Submitted on 2005-11-30 21:26:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the whole poem spoke for itself, really powerful. i look forward to reading more of your work. i honestly don't see anything you can improve on.
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by LivingShadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Not a shrink but do self harm and yes it is an addiction and it's not easy to give up. People try telling you again and again that you should but they don't understand just what a relief it is. I liked the poem but there is a few small points that I'd suggest:
    1. At the end of the first stanza the word simple is then repeated which made it sound weird to me at leat, personally I'd put;
    'cool and smooth and...
    it seems so simple'
    2. Third line of the last stanza the rhythm isn't quite right; again I'd suggest:
    'but they’ve underestimated
    one small bit'
    3. Very simple point about typos - if im could become I'm it looks better and the 'and hour free of nightmares' sounds like it should be 'an hour free of nightmares'

    Fell free to completely disregard my advice - I won't be offended! I did like the poem as it is just thought it could be slightly better.
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
      You're right. It isn't so simple. its very hard to give up something that helps take the pain of everyday life. This, i feel, was very well done. I know that it seems that it would be so simple to just say [censored] it and give up on this damned life, but truth be told, there are reasons not to. It may salve your problems, and take you away from this world. But in the life you leave behind, everyone that was close to you would be heart-broken. Over all this was a very original idea on an old subject. And i'm not a pro shrink, but if you every want to just bitch to someone, feel free to send me a message. ^_^.

    Akai_Ame
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ]
      It actually is very simple
    I have been down the road of addiction
    Many addictions to be exact
    And I now have total freedom in Life
    You have to find something Positive
    In this case how about your words
    They are strong and show true emotion
    I become entrapped by your very words
    Try using that positively
    Keep showing the world your emotion
    for Putting it out in write helps the mind to Heal
    Remain Positive
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      It came together very well, the ryming and flow all worked quite well. I read it all the way through without losing an interest or wondering what something meant or why rhyme stopped or something.

    I felt the emotion as well, deep and serious...but not enough to really bring out this full potential, I think. It could improve in a way I think, but all poems can. More what I am saying is I think you have a good idea here and I think that it could turn into something even better.

    Overall, I loved this...magnificent job, and good luck...this coming from an almost ex-cutter.

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the word flow, it just seemed to melt together to form a interesting piece. though i must confess that i didn't much see why you would need to add in the very last bit alone, its just a question that could use an answer from its author. if you know what i mean. its an unanswered question that you mainly asked, so you should be the one to answer it. maybe I'm not making myself clear? anyways, i liked it, though, you could add some lines and make stanza's in rows of 4's instead of a 7, and two 15's. though it might not be possible seeing as how the words just come together perfectly. though i would change the part that says

    The sharp appeal
    of an hour,
    and hour free of nightmares
    free of one pain,

    to

    The sharp appeal,
    of an hour,
    an hour free of haunting dreams,
    an hour of relief from this pain.

    though thats just my opinion. good job.



    ~Insphered~
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      You rhyme very well. It doesn't seem forced, at all. The poem seems like it just naturally came to you. It was very well written, just not a topic of choice. I felt the emotion you might of went through as you wrote the poem.
    | Posted on 2005-11-30 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]


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