Description: Im Looking for mainly a way to get all this CRAP out of my VERY Fu<Ked up system, I'm like a millimeter away from saying "fu<k it world, ya'll can go on without me!" becuz im having a lot of trouble lately ya kno? this is more like random words stuck together i guess, but im gonna say it's poetry.... haha, if you like , let me know, if ur a pro shrink, LET ME KNO! and if ya hate it... well heck, let me know anyway!
It seems so easy
to put it down
but too long without it...
I begin to drown
The pain i feel
but can't be seen
witnessed only
in a razor's sheen
I can feel it's touch
soft, but sharp
it becons to me
like an angel's harp
cool and smooth
and,
simple
it seems so simple
just one quick slice
with a silver shard
as cold as ice
I like the pain
but i think twice,
it really isn't simple, is it
my friends "encourage"
me to quit
but've underestimated
one tiny bit
The sharp appeal
of an hour,
and hour free of nightmares
free of one pain,
but replaced by another
this one lesser,
this one other
but while it's their
and im in it shrouded
im not so clouded
with despair
Not a shrink but do self harm and yes it is an addiction and it's not easy to give up. People try telling you again and again that you should but they don't understand just what a relief it is. I liked the poem but there is a few small points that I'd suggest: 1. At the end of the first stanza the word simple is then repeated which made it sound weird to me at leat, personally I'd put; 'cool and smooth and... it seems so simple' 2. Third line of the last stanza the rhythm isn't quite right; again I'd suggest: 'but they’ve underestimated one small bit' 3. Very simple point about typos - if im could become I'm it looks better and the 'and hour free of nightmares' sounds like it should be 'an hour free of nightmares'
Fell free to completely disregard my advice - I won't be offended! I did like the poem as it is just thought it could be slightly better.
You're right. It isn't so simple. its very hard to give up something that helps take the pain of everyday life. This, i feel, was very well done. I know that it seems that it would be so simple to just say [censored] it and give up on this damned life, but truth be told, there are reasons not to. It may salve your problems, and take you away from this world. But in the life you leave behind, everyone that was close to you would be heart-broken. Over all this was a very original idea on an old subject. And i'm not a pro shrink, but if you every want to just bitch to someone, feel free to send me a message. ^_^.
It actually is very simple I have been down the road of addiction Many addictions to be exact And I now have total freedom in Life You have to find something Positive In this case how about your words They are strong and show true emotion I become entrapped by your very words Try using that positively Keep showing the world your emotion for Putting it out in write helps the mind to Heal Remain Positive God Bless Ron
It came together very well, the ryming and flow all worked quite well. I read it all the way through without losing an interest or wondering what something meant or why rhyme stopped or something.
I felt the emotion as well, deep and serious...but not enough to really bring out this full potential, I think. It could improve in a way I think, but all poems can. More what I am saying is I think you have a good idea here and I think that it could turn into something even better.
Overall, I loved this...magnificent job, and good luck...this coming from an almost ex-cutter.
I liked the word flow, it just seemed to melt together to form a interesting piece. though i must confess that i didn't much see why you would need to add in the very last bit alone, its just a question that could use an answer from its author. if you know what i mean. its an unanswered question that you mainly asked, so you should be the one to answer it. maybe I'm not making myself clear? anyways, i liked it, though, you could add some lines and make stanza's in rows of 4's instead of a 7, and two 15's. though it might not be possible seeing as how the words just come together perfectly. though i would change the part that says
The sharp appeal of an hour, and hour free of nightmares free of one pain,
to
The sharp appeal, of an hour, an hour free of haunting dreams, an hour of relief from this pain.
You rhyme very well. It doesn't seem forced, at all. The poem seems like it just naturally came to you. It was very well written, just not a topic of choice. I felt the emotion you might of went through as you wrote the poem.
Submission Name: Simple
i honestly don't see anything you can improve on.