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Degradation


Author: BrokenAngel
ASL Info:    21/F/MI
Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 179 /157 /47
Words: 175
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1070
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1179



Description:


Kinda choppy but it's late. Tell me whatcha think.


Degradation



Of all the times I've wandered here
I've never seen this door
Of all the problems I tried to hide
This one of all hurts more

Crumbling down, my steely walls
That held me safe inside
Degrading into emptyness
I can no longer hide

Wanting to run from this light
Wishing away my pain
Staring at my mirrored face
I've never felt so sane

Mossy walls of memories
Trapping me inside
Keeping me from the world
Inside my mind I hide

Can you see the things I feel
The raw emotions tucked away
All of this, inside so deep
So I can make it through today

Scorched ceilings of sanity
That kept me right inside
Now burned right to the ground
And so my time I bide

Dash away the painless hopes
Of my cheerful friends
For when I'm needed not
I'll not continue life's trends

Swirling soot of destiny
I lift my hat to you
Without your knife they couldn't see
The pain I'm going through




Submitted on 2005-11-30 22:12:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  very good you should title it
it would get more atention
this peom deserves it
smile tommarow will be worst
much much worse
please read my stuff and comment
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by bloodied_angel | [ Reply to This ]
  Do you realize that your last 2 submissions are both "untitled:dark:poetry"? LoL I like this poem lots...some of it is choppy I s'pose, but I don't think it's all that bad. I love the "mossy walls of memories," it reminds me of "Corroding walls of jealousy," from House of Broken Dreams. But anyway, this is YOUR poem.

I can no longer hide

Wanting to hide from this light

This bothers me. You said "hide" twice in a row. Maybe you could change it to "Wanting to RUN from this light," I think that would work better. You use the word "inside" a lot, as I'm sure you realized...And you used the rhyme "inside" and "hide" twice. Did you do it to be repetetive? Because that is all good, but if you didn't mean to, I thought I would bring it to your attention.
I was reading along, going "yeah, this is good, not to choppy, yeah..." then I got to the end and I was like, "woah." And I read it again. And probably again. It's just really cool. I am sure I have read the line "The pain I'm going through" 50,000 different times in 43,000 different (or not so different) pieces (probaby 20,000 of the rhyming with "you") but I think it works well here. I have no idea why.
I think that if you took the "for" out of the 2nd to last line, it would flow better.

Swirling soot of destiny
I lift my hat to you
Without your knife they couldn't see
The pain I'm going through

Nice.

-Cari
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
  When I read through this piece a couple of times I found 2 -3 different rhythms which causes a little bit of a hiccup in the flow of the poem. The first one occurs between the 4th and 5th verse. You have to read it outloud to hear it. the next one is in the 6th verse and the last one is in the 7th-these are mainly due to the words used with the rhyming scheme that is there. The sentences need to be edited in these verses to maintain an even flow of the poem. This can be a very good poem indeed if this is corrected. You are correct choppy is a good description. Have you thought of maybe turning this into a free form piece then you can keep the lines you have?
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by auntwheezie | [ Reply to This ]


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