Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: Car va g o
ASL Info:    35/M/NY
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 180 /185 /45
Words: 90
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1725
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 599


Inspired by the movie "A Thin Red Line"


Like soft shells in an avalanche
our motion is compulsory momentum.
We are pinballs of blind design
head long in a dive
with no rudder to brake or glide.

The golden pearl shimmering high
in wispy clouds makes a dim demise
like soft shells in an avalanche.
Rain drops dance on waters skin
take your leave among the ripples.

Emeralds on the riverbed
washed over by sand
the silt, a muddy coat,
conceal the green shimmer of light
like soft shells in an avalanche.

Submitted on 2005-11-30 23:49:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Emeralds on the riverbed
washed over by sand
the silt, a muddy coat,
conceal the green shimmer of light
like soft shells in an avalanche.

I like this stanzaa best
the simile of the silt as a muddy coat is lovely
and the ''green shimmer of light'' reminds me of some beautiful photographs i have of the lost ships of the guardia canal

i have a preoblem with the mixed metaphor of ''soft shells' and ''avalanche''

but on the other hand the lines
''The golden pearl shimmering high
in wispy clouds makes a dim demise''
are lovely

this poem sounds good ..but i can't make sense of it entirely...maybe its me..
( but please sort out that unwanted apostrophie)
| Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by ertha | [ Reply to This ]
  I haven't seen "A Thin Red Line", but I gather this is about the unsung heroes of war. Those soldiers that die "like soft shells in an avalanche." One moment you're signing up for the reserves so you can pay for college, and the next your life is over before it really had the chance to begin without ever seeing it coming: random lives seeing random deaths. Take your untimely place amongst the dead for our benefit; for the world's benefit: "like soft shells in an avalanche." Our life is nothing more than a statistic, and who will hear its demise? I tend to make up meanings for the poems I read. Let me know how bad I've misconstrued your poem.

| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Limerence | [ Reply to This ]

I haven't seen the red line, so i might be missing something. I figured your poem to be dealing with war or something of such.

but, nevertheless, i liked your piece. it gave me something to think about

"like soft shells in an avalanche" is a good simile

my favorite line is "take your leave among the ripples." Very eerie.

I'd consider adding punctuation, so we know exactly your intended spacing. Wasn't sure about "the silt a muddy coat" line. "the silt, a muddy coat" or "the silt is a muddy coat"?

Maybe edit a few lines for rhythm's sake.

Good job though

| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by thescarletabyss | [ Reply to This ]
  Having only read your comments after I read the poem it did start to make a lot more sense, not that it doesn't stand well without knowing the background of the movie.

I particularly liked these lines:

'head long in a dive
with no rudder to brake or glide'

Throughout the poem I do get the overwhelming image of this unstobbable force and, having seen the film, obviously related this to the troops in the Guadalcanal conflict. A lot of the time the images did conflict (quite nicely actually) with the fact that they had to struggle up these huge hillsides, a slow process, but frantic and certainly with no option of going back.
The golden pearl to me is this ultimate treasure on the hill that they have to reach and if taken will reward them with victory and their lives. Alternately of course it symbolizes the glorious sun, the only remaining natural beauty spared of all the blood shed.

This is really good work, well balanced and thought through. The images are vivid, but complex all the same.

One thing I couldn't quite get my head around were the 'soft shells' though. Well, the shells bit I get (relating to the sand and ammunitions) but for my own personal enlightment why are they soft?
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by manintheshack | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?