Sojourn
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Description:
My very first poem...and unfortunately, the only completed one. I was on a road trip with my family and something about the passing scenery made me write this: I'd rarely before had the patience to express myself through poetry.
Any type of critique will be appreciated.
Any type of critique will be appreciated.
Sojourn
It’s a place where the wind blows Leaves lush and green Flutter and float, attuned to nature’s temper, Dancing in rhythm with the slightest breeze. To shadow or to glory, move forth they will at your whims, Through earth and rain, joy and pain. Stop and search, search yourself. And just for a second, give way to transgressions seemingly innocent. Let down your guard, feed forbidden desires, Feed long enough and fall to the mercy of the lurking darkness. Leaves, chained and free Rage and tear, disassemble and rearrange Behold the silent battle As senses are seduced, reduced by evil When primal instincts collide and balance is tipped to the dormant side. It’s a place where the wind blows, A miasma of evil, misinformation, poisoned treacle. Leaves, brown and withered Blown around the corner. Watch them drift towards destiny as fate rambles behind, stalking. Clocks tick as pages are turned. Old fades to make place for new. An Age is spent in the realm of gloom. A drink, a bite, tired bones And I reach a forked one-way road. Caught at the crossroads of blight and retribution. Stop and search, search yourself. And just for a second, try and fight the dust and mist. An ephemeral glimpse of the past. A flash of the future. A prick of light through persistent darkness. A glimmer of hope and a baby’s first cry…gently tugging at your heartstrings. It’s a place where the winds blow. Winds of change. Leaves, russet in their autumnal pride Withered, but not yet dry Stirred by winds of moisture and revival, Strengthened by lessons in humility and pain. It’s a place where the wind blows. Leaves lush and green Break free and glide with newfound grace Back home, now a step higher. Attuned to nature’s temper, in rhythm with the slightest breeze. Standing strong Through earth, pain, joy and rain. |
Submitted on 2005-12-01 09:31:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| seeing that you wrote this a significant amount of time ago i am wondering whether, when you read through this, you see line breaks in different places now? when i read it i see more line breaks than you have here. i also think a little formatting would work really well considering a lot of the content of this piece keeps coming back to leaves... It’s a place where the wind blows, A miasma of evil, misinformation, poisoned treacle. just an example. its always interesting being brought back to pieces a long time after we have written them. | Posted on 2007-11-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] | The rain and murky skies are like alcohol and placate whatever mood you are in. You capture this notion with pleasantly cockered scenery. | You beckon the reader to lose inhibition and follow their churlish hearts through the temptation of mere curiosity for the wickedness of a foreboding dream-state. You've matted simple living with a precarious sense of perseverances and provocative whims to follow. You speak of nature and you fuk my head up. Tis Beautiful, MyX | Posted on 2007-04-14 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ] | As a person who reveres nature, I love this. But that's not only why, though I feel because of the topic of this poem, my opinion is already biased by my love for it. Your words are beautiful, they really are, and they flow, and twists and turn, and sort of roll off the tongue. I love that we got to see the journey of the person through the forest, a once seemingly stable, and then once in the forest sees a second side, and is like walking on a tight-rope. So now he has to struggle as the primordial him tries to get out, and it's a whole struggle, and I like how that is paralleled with the changes in the forest, and then his renewed strength as he overcame the struggle, which is personified by the new spring of the forest. It sort of reminds me of the cycles of the earth and seasons, and then how life is mirrored by that, it really makes a person think. It sort of reminds me of Runes in a way, and I love it. A really great job, seems like you really thought this through. Amazing. | Peace and love, ~Azura* | Posted on 2007-04-11 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ] | This is classic quality! Even though it was longer than I usually see posted, I found myself drawn on and wanting more, like unwrapping a package with expectation. No need to pick out particular favorite lines because it was all so well knit together. | The title is also perfect because it takes us away for a while, in both mind and ethereal body (as opposed to "spirit" if that makes sense). A great exercise in observation and discription of thought. I like the close in that it shows that the "sojourn" accomplished something meaninful. Too many poems lack that and are instead open ended. | Posted on 2007-01-31 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ] | This is beautiful. Then again beauty is such a recurrent word. But none other seems to fit. It shows that you wrote because the scene told you to, and not because you wanted some poetic outcome to post on some modest site to be read by people like me. | The title is gripping, as is the expected yet unforseen imagery and rather catchy wording. You have replaced rhyme with alliteration, and merged nature (common topic) with life (another common topic) and come up with a completly original piece. Contradiction always sparks interest and it just makes the piece one ball of poetry in the true meaning of the word. And if I compliment you any more I believe you are going to become too bigheaded to complete your education and we can't do with a bigheaded ex-medicine student with poetic talent running loose, can we? It's a lame shot, but if I were to nitpick (and I can be picky when I put my head to it) the nit would be "lurking darkness" in line ten. It's just overrated. I think if you replaced it with comething else, that suits the quality of the rest of the poem, it would be better. That said, I must admit that that was the only thing in the poem that I felt was even slightly bad. You should complete more of your poems. DeepDreamer2008 | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ] | I love nature poems, and the best part is that you fit a lot of themes into this besides nature it's self. It is difficult to say so much in such words. I found it difficult to believe that this is your first poem. | The flow made this a task to read, but you put in a decent amount of imagery which complimented the view. I thought the title kept a mystery behind what was going to happen in the poem; that was clever. It is cool to see how such settings inspire people to write up such creative and well- put writes. You chose your words well, and I don't think there is anything you can change to improve this. Well done. Abbas | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ] | This is a very good poem. I enjoyed reading this. You provide some very good imagery and your descriptions really bring this to life. The depth of this write is great and really makes the reader think about life. I like the free verse, no particular form here, really gives this some added character. It is very well written and expressed. Nothing I would change here. Nice work. Take care. | Lorna  | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] | Firstly I'd like to say that I don't believe that this is the first poem you've ever written as it's far better than some of the others I've seen on this site from people who write one poem a day. But then, that's probably why... | The good thing about this piece is that although it did have obvious themes, it took me a few reads to get the gist of it. I got a really circular feeling from this poem as if I could go back to the top and carry on through it again. It shows the changing seasons but I 'm not sure if was intended because some of the lines contradicted this. I got this: Summer 'Leaves lush and green... Dancing in rhythm with the slightest breeze.' Autumn 'Leaves, chained and free... Behold the silent battle' Winter 'Leaves, brown and withered Blown around the corner.' Spring 'Leaves lush and green... in rhythm with the slightest breeze' But I got 'Leaves, russet in their autumnal pride' in the middle of winter so I guess my theory is wrong. Even so I think this is something that could be really worked on. As you said it's about a road trip, so I thought the going out and coming back really fitted in with the seasons completing their cycle. I think the poem can be cut down quite a bit. Especially the first line: 'It’s a place where the wind blows' which I love, I think it's repeated a bit too often and for me the effect of the description was lost. Plus, I know it's a major theme from all the other descriptions of the wind without that line being repeated. There are so many good bits to this poem that I think if you cut the excess flab off, it could be really special. Favourite line: 'And just for a second, give way to transgressions seemingly innocent', like the oncoming autumn and dying of the leaves, leading to a darker winter. | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by manintheshack | [ Reply to This ] | It's quite the read. A good read, but then again I'm a sucker for a good redemption/new leaf story. (Heh. New leaf. I crack myself up.) | *Dons Nitpicker's Cap* - In verse 2, line 4, the expression "move forth they will at your whims" seems a bit cumbersome to me. Shorter? More punch? - I have difficulty forming an image of fate both rambling and stalking. The first seems to be unconcerned, the second seems intent. Is it possible to be both? *thinks* If time's on fate's side perhaps it is. The prey is doomed, there's all the time in the world. But is that _stalking_? *hunches over muttering to himself* *Removes Nitpicker hat from the muttering figure* It's a very honest and courageous poem, really. If a bit foliant. | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Th_Plonk | [ Reply to This ] | This is very smart, very intelligently written. I agree with Key Wester here, I like the fact that it's not encumbered by a bunch of rules. It flows very freely and according to your own will. The more experience you have and the more you know about traditional poetry, the more you may feel as if you have to adhere to rules that will break, and not make what you want to express. | You could probably break up the lines a little. For example: "Through earth and rain, joy and pain." But why bother? I like it as it is, and your choice of lines is all you. You've made your own rules, and you've kept them perfectly. You have no reason to break them. Why would you? They're you're rules! That's the way I think our expressions should be executed. Nice. | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Limerence | [ Reply to This ] | awesome. i think this poem was really well done. it had poetic intent-in that there was a specific purpose of this poem, and it followed that purpose through until the end. Its well balanced-not too much repetition, but hinging on it a bit, and in different forms/contexts relative to the piece. I liked that there wasn't a rigid rhyme format, i think a lot can be lost in trying to adhere to rules. I like it-thanks for the read keep writing | key wester | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ] | |
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