fate comes for me by shygirl

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Submission Name: fate comes for me dots

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Author:	shygirl
ASL Info:	16/f/ok
Elite Ratio:	3.54 - 71/54/14
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	226
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	609

Description:
this poem was just made on a board and windy day

fate comes for me dots

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Thine mind is blank
And filled with mistakes
And in its shadow I sank
I sank into darkness and into hate
Fate is close

As the shadow consumes my mind
I wait in tears and crying
All is wet with tears and swet as I unwind
I see the dark and fill no hart as I know I’m dying
Fate is now closer

My hart is gone as I hear a song
The song gets louder as it starts to rain
A man then shows and said I’d done wrong
Then fire devours me as I feel pain
I feel shame as fate has my hart.

Submitted on 2005-12-01 11:12:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Another really powerful piece. Again the odd weakness in presentation is overcome by the strong voice and emotion.

Lorna's right (as usual) when she says that the spelling errors and things detract from your work. I think your poetry is amazingly good, but its dark tone is going to make readers uncomfortable. Don't give them the easy way out. Don't give them easy pickings. Get those little things perfect and you will force them to hear your words.

And words you have. Damn good ones.

Steve
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  this was an ecellente poemne cheapo depot and freak of olay...<<<that was just dumb...i di however find that the poem is once again very good..with a bit of improvement you may one day be able to rule france so congratulations.
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very sad poem. You convey the depressed state very well with your words. I noticed here that people have pointed out the spelling errors that you have in your poem. I really recommend that you take the time to fix them. Poetry is all about the words and so therefore spelling is very important to the overall impact of your poem. If there are spelling mistakes throughout the write it turns the reader off and makes a much less impact on your reader. You should edit this and fix the spelling and by doing so this will be a much stronger poem. Your words speak loudly, it would be a shame if your readers cant appreciate them because of the errors. It is very distracting. Anyway, a good poem once the errors are fixed. Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Really good poem. The length is perfect too. The mistakes I was going to point out have been said, so I'll just say how much I love it!
I can relate to this really well. I think this is my absolute favorite part..
"Thine mind is blank
And filled with mistakes
And in its shadow I sank
I sank into darkness and into hate
Fate is close "
Woah. Thanks for sharing, write on :)
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by DisilusndDreamr | [ Reply to This ]
  This was good. there are a few mistakes, but someone has already told you what they are...it becomes annoying when you have to read them over and over..hehe i should know i make a lot of them and people are always telling me what to fix. Its sanity testing. This reminds me of a person at the lowest point in time of their life and they are thinking about how bad things have gotten and how they feel as though a shadow is taking over. At least that is what i saw as i read it. I could be wrong. Wonderful job.

Akai_Ame
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good write
I feel the pain you are describing
I have experienced it
The good news is
You are talking about tears
Tears are very powerful in that they wash away the negativity that has enveloped our soul
Let those tears flow
And then grab on to the new life in front of you
For there are beautiful dreams left to be grasped by your outreached arms
God Bless
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  First, hart is heart. Second, i reall do like this poem, but there are a couple fo things i think you could change. Like the two lines with tears in the...too clsoe to together to be that kind of repetitive, maybe if you used something else, or a different way to word it. Also i think it might sound better if you put "Fate is closer now", doesn't break the poem up so much. Other than that its a really good write.
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
  this one is good to most of my poems are dark in nature for that is all i can see in the world i may change my heart on my last breath on the last day of this god forsaken earth that we call home i know the one day the sun will shine the way i think it should shine only to crash into the planet
| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by papalegba | [ Reply to This ]

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