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There is beauty upon your bosom,
With grace and stride;
But an untold dream,
A remedy, life by choice.
If there be a single day,
Brimmed with sacrifice,
With burning on my chest
Or blossoming passion,
Through sweet nectars of melody,
It shall end in peace,
a dance amongst the leaves,
Fallen and stoned in place.
Man's pious mourn, though desolate so,
Sings of sorrow; wrapped forever
In fine-spun string.
There is a whine upon your breast,
Whereas the final aria,
Note by note,
Is but whispered harmony
And tears unite as one...
| I disagree with Jo and think Whine is the right word. The sound of the pure I is more in keeping with a violin's music than a whimper is.|
Going from there, I thnk you have a really nice lyrical quality to your voice. You have a sense of your personal rhythms and it comes across in your poetry.
Here's an idea to try. When I think of violins, I think of, usually, a constant stream of sound with no breaks. Usually. I know that isn't always the case. PErhaps experiment with this piece a few different ways to find where the poem can be melded together to mimic your favorite piece of violin music.
Or maybe shape your lines to suggest the bow going up and down across the strins like a wave.
|| Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ] || Hey,|
I've always liked poems that use music as a metaphor. And your poem was sad and soothing...
Just a few comments, to finish it off, if you want to take them like that. Basically, I think you need to 'trim some fat' so to speak. First, I don't think you need as many commas, as you've put it. I think your poem would work better if it just all flowed together, for example, 1st stanza, don't need it after 'bosom,' the line should just meld together. I think if you go through the poem again, you will see what I mean. Second comment, lose the 'so' in the 3rd stanza, it seems to weigh the line down and is not needed. And last, I don't like the word, 'whine,' it sounds inappropiate here, harsh almost. Maybe something like 'whimper' instead?
Hope this helps. Thanks for the read.
|| Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ] |