Kill me with a smile(new & angry) by _Dancing_Alone

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Submission Name: Kill me with a smile(new & angry) dots

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Author:	_Dancing_Alone_
ASL Info:	14/f/and...MARS.
Elite Ratio:	3.87 - 91/96/36
Words:	172

Class/Type:	Poetry/Angry
Total Views:	528
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1055

Description:
ok...this is a new poem with more blood and pain.
i hope everyone likes the cold thoughts i put into this.i thought about if i should put this as a limerick but o well,i went with my first choice.

Kill me with a smile(new & angry) dots

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The vain has been cut.
nothing else can be done.
just watch my eyes
as i slowly die.
laugh at my cry.
kill me with a smile.
cut my life short
as i pour out crimson blood.
don't change your mind
as dead skin falls from my heart.
leave me alone or end me right.
shove the pain in my soul too tight.
so i can't breathe or think
so i can try to let go hopelessly.
kill me with a smile.
make me scream anger and
shake my rage wild
drive me insane.
drown me in pain.
if you can't do it,let me.
i'll fly away free.
seal my heart,tear me apert
rip me to shreds.
look at my face when im dead.
stare and just think,
of what else you could have done to me.
YOU CAN'T !...!
YOU'VE JUST DONE EVERYTHING YOU EVER CAN.
NOW STARE AT MY BODY LIFELESS,
FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CRUEL HEART,
and confess.....did you like me @ all?

Submitted on 2005-12-01 17:50:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like that a lot.
Love the anger and pain and frustration.
You say it wonderfully.

My favorite part is:
"don't change your mind
as dead skin falls from my heart."

Nice wording.
I'm kind of an angry person, so I understand the feelings you expressed.

Very nicely done

-nikkki
| Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed reading this piece. It expressed alot of anger & emotion. I do, however, feel it needs some editing. Capitaliztion of words & proper punctuation would do this piece justice & make it feel more complete. Examples:
The vain has been cut.
Nothing else can be done.
Just watch my eyes,
as I slowly die.
Laugh at my cry.
Kill me with a smile.
Cut my life short,
as I pour crimson blood.
Don't change your mind,
as dead skin falls from my heart.
Leave me alone or end me right.
Shove the pain in my soul too tight, (this line seems forced)
so I can't breathe (nor) think,
so I can try to let go- hopelessly.
Kill me witha smile.
Make me screm (with) anger and
shake my rage wild.
Drive me insane.
Drown me with pain.
If you can't do it,
let me.
I'll fly away,
free.
Seal my heart.
Tear me (apart) apert. (spelling error)
Rip me to shreds.
Look at my face,
when I'm dead.
Stare,
and just think,
of what else you could have done to me.
YOU CAN'T!
YOU'VE JUST DONE EVERYTHING YOU EVER CAN (COULD).
NOW,
STARE AT MY BODY,
LIFELESS. (stare at my lifeless body)
FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CRUEL HEART,
and confess...
Did you like killing me with a smile? (Did you like killing me with your smile?)
These are only suggestions- as always, one may take them or leave them. Which ever you decide, let me know if my comments helped or if they simply annoyed you (which was not my intention:)
~Tonya
| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh and you have really nice pictures! I liked the lines in this poem alot, i don't think i'll remember them though. I might make this a favorite...
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Red_reaper | [ Reply to This ]
  Hee hee hee. This poem made me laugh I liked this poem, it was slow and dwindling. It had anger and sorrow, with expected questions. You had a typo, only one, that i could find.
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Red_reaper | [ Reply to This ]
  This is way better. I liked it a lot and I actually loved the title. The rhyme was better from what the first comment said. Anyway, this is very much like my poem "Tale of a Dead Girl". This was great, keep it up.
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you should change the title to what i don't know. It was a good poem but can use some work. It seemed to me you tried to rhyme too hard. Maybe it's just me. But other than that it was okay.

~~Danni~~
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Poeticprincess | [ Reply to This ]

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