Description: Ok, so I really don't know where this came from.
It started off as a nice poem but after the first stanza it took on a life of it's own and this came out. I'm not sure why, I just typed, please bear in mind that this is not about me or anyone I know it, It just formed by itself. Although I do know that this has happened before
this poem really got to me.something similar like this has happend in my life.but no i did not kill my daughter(angelina), she died in a car crash. this poem was well written and thought out. the words had a great impact on my feelings while reading it.and it brought me to remember many lost memories, and many unforgotten, but wished to be gone.for that i thank you. this is something i will definantly add to my favorites. i will read it often.also i have a ceramony coming up, in rememberance of my daughter, would it be alright if i read this poem as apart of a speach im to give on that day,to help others remember what i have remembered while reading this.and yes credit will be given.please let me know as soon as you get the chance. but no real rush. thank you so much for writing this poem and bring back lost memories and thuoghts. *jenn*
wow, so very very powerful. to be honest i am speechless at how very good it is! but as others have said it is unfortunately it does reflect real life, because things like that do happen all too often. i really like the way it starts off so calm and then builds up to the grand finale of a very unexpected ending. amazing work. well done :) x poétic harmonie x
this is abosulty wonderful, it reminds me of my best friend, she went through a lot of this when she was younger, of course she is still alive. the emotion shown through this is amazing, you can tell the childs heartbreak thorugh this, i loved it. wodnerful work. courtney
"Watch a child play Innocent but determined Desperate to prove to her mother That she is good at something" is a great line.it feels like its meant to be the turning point if you read through slowly.it starts to show the relation ship between the girl and her mother starting to go bad,because her mother seems to think she is good for nothing. this write reminds me of the unfortunate headline the day i was born.i think you can guess. it happened just outside my town too.
This is one heck of a deep write from you I would almost tend to say deeper then any of your other writes ive read This is a sad write but sadly it does reflect truth in some cases God Bless And to you and your family I wish a very Merry Christmas and lets pray for Peace in 2006 Your Friend Ron
I adore this write! it shows what real life is like. first you trust and love your parents and then you find out what the world really is and in some cases learn to dislike or even hate your parents for lying to you so they could protect you from those things. i think it is really true to life. the only things you need to add would be some punctuation and it would be perfect. but hech i dont even use punctuation so that isnt much help comming from me. -brandon
i absolutely love this piece in the sense that it starts out with a young child trusting and loving her mother so much. their relationship is great and it seems< even though you still use the term"child"> as if as time progresses, their relationship turns sour and her and her mothers relationship diminishes. the ending verse "Watch a child die As her mother Points a gun at her And erases all memories" ends the piece perfectly in a metaphorical sense rather than a literal statement. it insinuates that she kills the loving relationship between the two. i think this piece was very well structured and had a strong message, i enjoyed it very much as it relates to me in my relationship with my mother. keep it up...
Ooo, this hit home hard. As stated before, the simply-stated tone in this piece works very well to convey your thoughts perfectly. It starts off innocent and pure in the first half then takes on a darker and more menacing tone in the last.
Innocence is such a beautiful thing to see in a child. Yet it seems to be taken away and chipped at as our days on earth progress - until we have cynical hearts immune to the freshness and vitality of everyday living. Unless you see that and learn to live every day as if it were your last. Sorry for blabbing, this is just what it made me think of.
Again, pure in description and emotive qualities. A good write.
I don't think it should be more subtle. When you talk about violence, you shouldn't water it down; that's just my opinion. Well, I wish things like this didn't happen, but they do. I know this isn't based on anything real, but I it makes me think about moms that do those sort of things. It's weird how they tend to be crazy or on drugs and generally choose drowning over shooting, but that's just an observation. I guess it just really makes you dislike this woman even more that she's sane and does it. Anyway, this could have been ripped from the headlines, but I'm glad it wasn't. Nicely done, Amy
...Stupid mother. This poem is weird. :D It's all happy and then it's all pfft I think I wilst shoot you and end your useless life you tiny innocent little girl.
All I can say is that mother is a psycho. I could probably draw a manga off this and get away with it though. -Mi
Bloody hell, you sure let this one take its own reins!
I was enjoying the "babylike" atmosphere, and, after your description was prepared for a side-track, but wow!
I can't really comment on this poem, i sure think you've captured the angst of some people with their memories (not good) of mummy, and the shock ending was great!
Very unusual and unique, I really liked what you did with it (although pretty dark)
Wow, this piece went through a huge transformation. I can see what you mean. It started off so sweet then all the sudden, it was pretty dark. Very true though. It happens all the time. A parent seeing a child as angelic and then when the child grows up, they are nothing anymore. It's like wanting a puppy then giving it up when it grows up because it's not cute anymore. I recieved very good imagry from this piece and I think if you want to keep the transformation in there, maybe it should be a bit more subtle. It's just so blunt, it's like yeah so sweet, then, BAM! the child is dead. ya know what i mean? Maybe tell a bit more of the story so the climb to the ending grows instead of being forced. Not trying to change it for ya or anything, just my thoughts. I liked how the mother was the child's god at first and then she was her death.-very ironic, the person who created you does have the power to destroy you. My favorite line of this piece was "innocent but determined, desperate to prove to her mother that she's good at something".-very nicely put. The other thing about this piece that I would consider is maybe adding some punctuation and de-capitalizing words in the same sentence. Very nice write. keep it up. keep in touch.
Submission Name: Erasing Memories
