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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If we meetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 902
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 748



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf we meetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    What if by chance we meet, embrace once more,
    And to that place we go where no one sees
    Or even knows, we quietly close the door
    And shut away the winter's cooling breeze.

    The scent of hyacinths still fills the hall
    And welcomes us with memories of where
    We both said our goodbyes and we'll recall
    Unspoken words left hanging in the air

    But if we meet, will winter turn to spring?
    For what we were and what we might have been
    When to this empty room, my love, you'll bring
    Bouquets of flowers fresh and newly green

    If in this chance encounter, you are true,
    We may find love returns, from where it flew





    Submitted on 2005-12-01 21:06:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is really beautiful, but it's sad at the same time. I hate thinking about what would happen if only [insert situation here]. I wonder though, why hyacinths? Something related to your relationship? Sorry, that's just me being curious. ((Shameless plug - reminds me of my poem "One Last Kiss Before You Go")) Anyway, the longing in this is one I have felt before ((again, the aforementioned poem)) and it hurts to know that you may never get the chance to kiss, to hug, to laugh... Well, you did a wonderful job, almost brought me to tears (but I promised myself no more crying at poems and stories). ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a lovely poem. I really got the feeling of longing as I read this one. Very romantic and reads with a sense of hopefullness. It is so hard when a relationship ends and you still harbor intense feelings for the person who is absent from your life. This poem is so sad in a sense that it is left with uncertainty that this person will return to you. I think it is nicely written and expressed and your feelings are very well conveyed with your words. Nice work. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Is this supposed to be an Elizabethan Sonnet? It has the typical abab cdcd efef gg scheme of one so yeah, it definitely looks like a sonnet to me. Why I ask this is because you've chosen to do away with iambic pentameter (unless I'm reading this totally wrong) and you've also chosen to enjamb lines.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't give a rat's bum what you do with a sonnet lol, I was just wondering whether you realized these usually technical inconsistencies. But since you didn't mention it was a sonnet, I won't say anything more about it.

    Just some thoughts - stanza one, line three - 'quietly' seems overlong and strained in this line - perhaps something simpler like 'quickly'? Stanza three, line two - I find this line to be slightly overused and redundant personally... I'm sure you could come up with something else to fit just as well whilst still retaining your rhyme-scheme?

    I also noticed you had a period at the end of your first stanza but not the rest... I'm just bringing up a note of inconsistency, that's all... nothing major. And how about capping Winter, Spring and Hyacinths? Just other little niggly things that I saw.

    Anyways, sorry for being so anal lol... this piece has quite a nostalgic and slightly whimsical feel to it, it sounds like it's about someone you used to know. This part in particular had a nice cadence and rhythm to it -
    'When to this empty room, my love, you'll bring
    Bouquets of flowers fresh and newly green'
    - that was lovely and evocative in my opinion.

    I think I've said enough. Feel free to go nuts on any of my pieces lol.

    Hope this helps.

    Oh crap you were only wanting thoughts, not a nitpick - I just noticed. Well, I've written this critique already now, so yea, sorry if this isn't what you wanted...eeek.

    Well, I found this to be a nicely flowing piece on nature and love which had a nice overall rhythm to it.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Good work. Romantic, as mentioned before (can you describe it any other way?) but I never thought it became soppy. For me it seems to be almost timeless as if the poem is just one thought that has come to the writer's mind and then shrugged of again instantly. I have to say this is usually not my sort of thing but I did enjoy it. The rhythm seems constant enough and the rhymes do give it a sense of airiness and, in the finishing couplet, finality.
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by manintheshack | [ Reply to This ]
      soft ,romantic and truely heart felt poem the last line is so delicious delightfull to set it free and see if it will come back to you wonderful piece keep tapping the keys
    adnil
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      Now this is so romantic, it reeks with passion and lust, wanting and desire fullfilled in a moment of rush leading to eternity, WOW.
    You must like those romance novels, this reads like a page from one of those type books.
    It is so poetic that one might think it be from years ago written by Emily D. But for sure it is not, this is so original for such an old song.
    | Posted on 2005-12-01 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]


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