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    dots Submission Name: The Second Loyalitydots

    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 366
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1303
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2170

       This poem is about old friends turning there back on myself, and how still through all the betrayal the lies and the greed i still find a reason to reach out to them.

    most feed back is appriciated.

    but dont gimme that crap about how i struggle to rhyme. BECAUSE I DONT. seriously kiddies.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Second Loyalitydots

    The Second Loyality

    amongst yourselves, collectivly you have gathered
    against the strength of my dieing will power
    to yet concieve and to quarell beside my past
    the question answered but never asked

    the formation of your ranks presents itself
    at its best, decieving, to reduce my mental health
    structured and built solely upon destroying my final hour
    and within its wake i have come to see, revenge and its power

    but all in all when i return to that very place
    i feel an all but subtle call to revisit what made me feel so safe
    a haven for my ignorance, and the knowledge that escapes me
    the place, where you no longer invite those who have disagreed

    time spends, and we grow older
    not remembering innocence and its odor
    like a nursey rhyme without a meaning
    a string without a knot, who are you decieving?

    we have come this far yet to throw it all away
    to renounce what we learned, and to awake
    from the nightmares our own indulgenices did create
    to this dwindling time we await our fate

    still through all this time, that spends and falls every day
    you have failed to step forward and present yourself in any way
    to admit to me that you have used me up untill now
    to please your crude pleasures, which have become so foul

    i was just a footstool to claim your own dreams
    a messenger to the stars, is the way it seems
    the long hours i have bled to give you what you crave
    could very well be, what seals me in my own grave

    and through it all, somehow i have found another way
    to be as compelled as to reach out and long and to stay
    in this town for yet another moment and second of time
    to renounce what ive learned and what ive lived by

    and as i fade away, from the space in your memory
    i hope you remember the pledge we all said, to stay
    to not betray, and to never forget what we once shared
    in our hearts, for that place, in space, on that day

    Submitted on 2005-12-02 12:39:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Human nature is to do what's best for yourself. Survival of the fittest and I'm sure this "friend" felt it what in his/her best interest to compromise your friendship. Despite the fact that it really sucks, you got a good poem out of it. I'm gonna use these two poets as examples again, only because they are polar opposites. When you read Dr. Suess's work, you automatically know it's Suess. when you read Poe's work, you instantly know it's him who wrote it. This is based on form, style and content. From what I've seen from you so far, that's what I see. I see a distinctive original style. And yes, I like it. It's like classic meets modern. Rhyming and depth all in one. It's hard to find.
    Keep on keepin on

    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
      Extremely well written
    To me you were writing about someone not forgetting the lessons life has taught them
    The human mind is delicate
    When we find peace we always seem to forget exactly how we found it
    We need to remember to move forward
    I really liked this
    Great Write
    Take Care

    And Thank You for your recent comments
    You are a talented writer yourself
    Looking forward to new posts from you
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I didn't see a problem with the rhyming, maybe a couple of misspelled words, but nothing that took away from the sheer anger of this piece.
    People suck. Unfortuntely there's just no other way to put it. No matter how old you are or where you are in life, there's going to be someone out there that will smile to your face while shoving the knife in your back. I recently ended an 8yr friendship because of such behavior. Kinda makes you wonder if you're more mad at the person for the behavior, or mad at yourself for letting someone like that get so close. Great write,
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, and to add to what i wrote before. The rhyme was fine. Don't listen to people that say ryhme, wording, or flow is everything. because it isn't. I believe that if every line rhymed that it would take away from the writters work. It would make it seem as though they were just trying too hard. The way this came out was just fine. I do the same thing in my poems. If you read some of them you will see that i skip my rhyming around alot, or in some places stop rhyming altogether. ^_^ Jsut thought i should add that.

    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ]
      .....wow..this was really really really good. I fell in love with it by the 3rd part. ^_^ This is how i feel about one of my ex-best friends. Even though they have done so much wrong you still want them to remember all the great times you've had together and to know that you may fight and may disagree but in the end you two were made to be friends. You fit totgether so right, that you should keep trying. This was very well done. It was original and full of emotion. ^_^ keep up the fantastic work.

    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Akai_Ame | [ Reply to This ]

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