Fossils by Lost Sheep

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Submission Name: Fossils dots

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Author:	Lost Sheep
ASL Info:	41 M Vancouver, WA
Elite Ratio:	6.24 - 909/772/72
Words:	159

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	347
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1092

Description:
Ever get in a rut???

Fossils

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Tick
A second passes, a thought flickers
Something that matters at that moment
We see, we learn, we change
It lies on the surface, important, current

Bong
An hour passes, the moment forgotten
The thought lost in a tangle of busyness
What we saw and learned
Now buried under papers like autumn leaves in the forest

Yawn
A day passes, a unit complete
Things not finished are set aside
We dream and sort out what we’ve learned
Projects are slept on, buried in a layer of fatigue

Two... one… hooray
A year passes, we reminisce
We put aside things of the past
Consolidate our learning, evaluate where we are
Pressure squeezes out the things we can’t fit

Tick
A decade passes, seems like a moment
The accumulated things still lie with us
Forming our learning, hindering our change
Attitudes cast in stone, like fossils of past lessons

Submitted on 2005-12-02 18:53:03 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Wow.

This is a very clever poem, if perhaps a little scary, you capture brilliantly the idea of time passing without us knowing quite how. And you frame exquisitely the idea of knowledge as a fossil that is constantly changing, being chisselled, dusted off.
I greatly admire the structure, how you have the different units of time on the top line of each stanza and then go on to develop it. I think the part I find most beautiful though is the injection of self in the first line when you write 'yawn' - simple and beautiful.

Peace, love and empathy,
Speacenik.
| Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
  Inspirit999 has made every comment that I wish to make. I really do not feel like repeating verbatem, so I won't I suggest you just re-read his comment and conect it with my name. Lol! Although, I do think that I have some more positive feedback. I simply love the one-word /phrase intros to each stanza, marking (seamlessly) the passage of each stanza, and therefore the passage of time. The story, the lesson embedded underneath the obvious, was rather deep for normal poetry, and I quite liked how I actually had to READ the poem. I really have nothing to critique about this. I hate that, yet love it at the same time! My words per review keep getting lower, and lower...anyway, I guess that this is a good thing. Thanks so much for the review on piping on a hill--I fixed that typo, lol. But, I disagree with you (a friendly disagreement, mind you) in that the first lines are too long. What would you rather have me do? Maybe if you suggested something, I could pull it off. I just don't see the lengthy-ness. I personally like how it gives the whole poem a feeling of lonelyness, like the bells and the piper are the last things on earth...anyway, thanks! Keep coming for reviews, and stop by Maevity's stuff too. Hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more...
| Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Aetha Daemon | [ Reply to This ]
  Hello Steve,

st:1 In some cases a lot can happen in a second has thinking of a track race or a car crash, like a chart I once saw which gave the differences between a second, minute and a split second for that matter. Here I see the “tick” the sound of a passing second also used on the last line which I will get to later. The first line I sense the flashing thoughts in the mind in L2 how there are things that matter at that moment. I distinctly think of a mate who says they love another and is waiting for the reply, no room for hesitation there, not if one doesn’t want to be in the doghouse haha. Can you imagine the reply? “I will have to get back to you on that” I like the third line here seeing, learning, and changing; especially changing. I think at times too much and learning…. well, life lessons I am in kindergarten. I think even the order of those words are great because it usually does happen in that order. Now the title “fossils” and the next line where it says “it lies on the surface” does have me think of those things that are current but in time will be buried. yet another term for that word something that is antiquated like an idea tomorrow may be something cast aside, but for the moment in that particular point in time it is important or current. moving on…

st2: Bong haha sorry I am thinking of something else for that ok what other thing can I think of here; well the sound from a large clock hell even Big Ben. I see the distance from the thoughts as time passes on, other forces of life bury those thoughts like the autumn leaves. visually: I see a pile. metaphoric attributes: something that once colorful now dying to be buried and lost. Perhaps it is lying around for later to be cleaned up.

st3: The yawn paints this boring as many days can be. The daily things; some perhaps procrastination or just things that were not able to get done. The part I like “projects are slept on, buried in a layer of fatigue”

~what is missing out of this write~

it jumped from a day to a year without the week or month. I guess the question to ask is why the leap? Does that mean something? Perhaps weekly and monthly occurrences did not have a value like those other references of time. It does make some look at those weekly and monthly time frames to wonder why the gap. I always think that there is some reason for everything even if it isn’t important to some it might be critical to others. often it is how we view these things that shape who we are.

st4: first line I get the New Years Eve feeling with the countdown. yearly evaluations and reminiscent about things in the past is nice. Many things here I fail to do so its not that I am alien to it, it is just that I do not do these things like I should. Anyhow it looks good, the pressures squeezing out things that don’t fit; I think of sacrifices and things left undone.

st5: the other “tick” here it does have great connectivity to the first line. Here an entire decade passes by often making people wonder where did all that time go? it special relation to the second because it is often a personal feeling of mine but may be universal for all I know and it is this: “if only I could have enjoyed those moments in life more” the age that creeps up on people does give this a melancholy feel. And those who are older set in their ways some unable to change be it attitudes, perceptions, traits, etc are left like fossils. The feeling is very depressing.

a very interesting and depressing piece nevertheless great write,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-02-01 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very clever poem, as always. I like the onomatopoeia commencing the stanzas. You definitely convey the passage of time - through life? We are too easily diverted from accomplishing things that we intended. However, I’m not sure if I agree with the last stanza because I think that we change our attitudes throughout our lives and I’m a big believer in life long learning.
lol
nessie
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
  Very well written
You put this piece together very well
I really like the idea of emotion flowing within only one word
Very well done
Take Care
God Bless
Ron

And Thank You for your recent commrnts
I hope your Family and you are in Good Health
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I believe that I completely forgot how utterly and passionately brilliant you are, Steve of mine. Indeed, where have I been all of my life? I miss you, and I miss your words. This made me so incredibly sad, dear. And here I am listening to the Beaches soundtrack. I should drink more There are ten billion ways to describe the hourglass of life. Thus far, this has been one of my favorites. You didn't describe anything in particular, really; a boggle of scattered emotions that we don't feel until after the fact...when it's so much more important, and completely unattainable. And it say's so much. You always say alot though.
I'm going to finish listening to Bette, smoke my cigarette and read your work for a bit more. I need my deep side to be filled...I've been hanging out with strippers and children too much lately. I love and miss you.

Always n Forever,
~Rach~
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
  God, yes... I've been in a rut countless times. Are you implying that you feel like a fossil Steve? Lol.

I also liked the way you formatted this into distinct sections... it really does wonders for the way it is perceived.

I really don't have much to say constructively... I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading this piece in its emotive yet logical progression. I especially thought your last lines in stanza two and five to be worded well.

Actually, just one simple suggestion - take it or leave it... it's pretty minor - your last line in stanza two seems to jut out a bit too much. Personally, I would change it so that it didn't look so overlong... hence...
'What we saw and learned now buried
Under papers like autumn leaves in the forest
- what do you reckon? As I said, a simple suggestion.

So yea. Nice write.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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