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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dolldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Autum-Moon
    ASL Info:    15/Female/drowing
    Elite Ratio:    3.22 - 284/165/29
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 967
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 597



    Description:
       This is a poem i worte awhile back when I was deep in depression. Let me know what you think and don't hold anything back.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDolldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Theres no happienss,
    Nor joy.
    Your just another,
    Broken toy.

    Place you back,
    On the shelf.
    God can't save you,
    From yourself.

    You can't be fixed,
    Your to far gone.
    You wait for death,
    It won't be long

    Gouged out eyes,
    And silent tears.
    That have rolled down your face,
    For many anguished years.

    Your strings begin to split,
    You skin cracks into gashes.
    And you silently turn,
    Into blood covered ashes.





    Submitted on 2005-12-02 19:50:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's no fun to be depressed & most of us have had moments where we felt such emptiness and pain. When I read the piece and related it to the title it reminded me of that doll that Korn always shows on covers...thrown around and abused but deep down still a doll.
    Life is how you look at it & in these dark times you can find a bright spot within yourself even if in no one else. This seemed a little bleak & hopeless
    Chin up girl!
    Love,Peace,Joy&Smiles 2 share
    tif
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,

    Great poem. Of course there is spelling mistakes, who doesn't. But other than that its good. It does use alot of good fiquritive represtative in my opion.

    *Let it Flow*
    Raven
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by Silent_Tears | [ Reply to This ]
      Again there is nothing wrong with this piece, and it is insightful in a way...it shows that you are sensitive and that you are trying to be aware, which is always a good thing.

    When you write your poems are really good...but you are lacking a heat...a passion, I am not really feeling you in this...

    Sincerely though I hope to see more from you and it would be awesome to watch your style develop...not much farther to go until you are truly great.
    | Posted on 2005-12-14 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      my views are just my impression, take what you want and leave the rest.

    (stanza one) referring to someone as a broken toy is interesting I haven’t quite read that in a poem yet but I have heard something like that in speech for example “boy toy” in this stanza “happienss" should be “happiness” also “just another” sounds like an element of frustration with the person. also another correction “theres” should be “there’s” as in “there is” the thing is please do not take these as an insult be glad there are folks who will take the time to help you correct these mistakes. I make them too (a lot) and I honor those who help me.

    (second stanza) looks very sharp. I like how you put God can’t save you from yourself. now I take the putting on the shelf as figurative of course that’s me stating the obvious and the part with God a more plain language. how God relates to the toy on the shelf had to be taken (at least for me) as a mood.

    (third stanza) you cant be fixed is very good in relation with the toy. now more mood with far gone and waiting for death since toy don’t have a death in a physical sense maybe popularity wise though and that does invoke a deep element of sadness. one particular thing I can think of is buying my nephew and niece toys and how they we just toss them aside. however this is about a person so it does have me feel down to read it. correction “daeth" change to death .

    (fourth stanza) the identity in your figurative toy here as a relation to a person I have come to realize maybe it is not a specific type of toy but more of a general description given purposely I would think. going against the grain for a moment specifically on the first line I think of the velveteen rabbit a very sad story of a stuffed animal. yet this take on another quality aside from being sad it is also at the same time (and rare I might add) is that this has a horror-like quality to it. but that is only the first line because after that it is launched right back downward into depression. silent tears- tears that no one pays attention to, people aren’t around to see, or ones that people don’t care about.

    (fifth stanza) the fate stanza seems to be absent of hope with the final demise of blood covered ashes.

    depressing write to say the least and few chilling parts, very nicely done,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this one is pretty good. You have expressed your feelings very well and I like the metaphor used here as well. One spelling error already pointed out to you should be corrected as a poem is only strong as its words and if they are not spelled correctly it takes away from the content of the poem. Overall, a good expression of your feelings. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      As another mentioned to not change a thing, try changing your to you're or you are in line ten.
    And in line eleven make daeth into death.
    And since you did every other line, put a period after long in line twelve.
    Nor is an old english term, but I can live with that, so fix the typo's and continue on there is potential with this.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      i Love it so much deffinately going into my faves. you shouldnt change a thing its great. one question though where did you get your inspiration from? is there a story behind it or what?
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Brat05 | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't love it or hate it. i think it has potential to be a better poem. There are some spelling mistakes, that you should fixed. You can't be fixed,
    Your to far gone.
    You wait for daeth,
    It won't be long

    I like that stanza, it shows how depressed you were.

    PinkFairy
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by PinkFairy | [ Reply to This ]


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