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    dots Submission Name: The truthdots

    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 212
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 841
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1313

       A story and something I wanted to say to a friend. Were better now.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe truthdots

    Look its been a long time,
    but i tell you this, for this is a crime.
    I sat down to think for a while,
    but i found myself in denial.

    I'm telling you Iím not sure what to do,
    I'm not trying to propose to you.
    I made my mistakes but I confess,
    Well now I hope you'll understand the rest.

    People arenít perfect, nor are they the same,
    We got to stick together when playing this game.
    I skipped a beat but not a feeling,
    I thought of you when i threw you to the ceiling.

    I'm sorry your gone and never coming back,
    But I can't stop and hope to never turn my back.
    On you I mean for your not dead,
    Your just finally gone from my head.

    I truly did like you and all,
    I caught you when you would fall.
    But this is finally ending,
    Maybe not my heart's now mending.

    Maybe if I tried once... again...
    I could se you... again...
    but Iím not to... sure...
    Maybe just once.. sure...
    I love you really,
    maybe we can be, lovers silly.
    I'll se you tomorrow and the day after,
    For once this wont be a disaster.

    Submitted on 2005-12-02 21:48:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    I really liked this write
    In the writes I have read of yours you really have a way of taking emotion and putting it into perfect writes
    That is a gift from God and You have it
    I will definately be looking for more of your writes
    Please keep in touch
    Your Friend
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that's a good write, fa'real. I think a lot of people who lose someone special and close to them, reading that would explain exactly how they feel. I know, I just recently lost someone close to me, and though I would want to continue being friends with them, it's all about them, not me. Friendship is mutual, you know? But I enjoyed reading that. The portion of your poem:

    Maybe if I tried once... again...
    I could se you... again...
    but Iím not to... sure...
    Maybe just once.. sure...

    Kinda threw me off a lil, but... overall, a good write. Keep it up, fa'real, fa'real.
    | Posted on 2006-01-02 00:00:00 | by K-Beezy | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, I love how you've learned everything that I have in such a short time. I think by now you've even learned more than I have. And I love how you are just so freakin honest in this. You honest in everything, but it seems moreso in this. I do have to agree with Thoughts though, you do need to start putting a lot more emotion into your stuff. This felt a lot like a story, it seemes almost superficial. I get that you really care about this person, but no explanation why. Or why she left (I'm presuming a she here). Your lines with all the dots really added nothing for me, they actually seemed more like a distraction. And when you were like "Maybe just once...sure" I kind of found it awkward and kind of disconected. I don't know who's asking and who's saying sure, and why it's happening. It's just there with no explanation. I've kind of noticed that in most of your stuff...you really need to work on the explanation. Having feelings there is great, but if we don't know why... And we always sit and hope (or at least I do) that the end of a relationship won't be a disaster. But sometimes it is. I just ran into that, and technically we were only together for like 4 days (but sometimes you just know and you can't put yourself through it), but in any case someone was pretty attached and didn't want to let go. It was most definately a msn disaster (and I know that that's the bad way to do it, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do). Yeah, that's about all I've got right now. We all have a few things that we need to work on, but once we do we are better...
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      i must say it again... though you've never heard it.. i hate love poems... (although i do have a few of my own) but this poem isnt all that bad...
    it does tell a good story, but like *thoughts* i think it needs a little more emotion...
    when i read it i didnt realize you were 15, i thought you were older, so you have that going for you...
    your rhyme scheme was pretty good and you rhymes weren't too simple, so thats a good start...
    otherwise i enjoyed it, keep up the good work...

    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      This is great. I think it was deep enough for you to feel it but not so deep that the readers couldn't relate and think on it. I've been in this situation, I don't know for sure if this is a boy girl situation, but for me it was...it's just confusing and tough, just plain crazy. Anyway, glad your better now...keep up the good work...

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      it's a good story... not sure exactly what feed back you want for it but im here to be a critic and thats what im gonna be. i think you really like this poem, it must mean something to you otherwise you wouldn't have posted it. i think maybe a hint for next time you're writing a poem and it turns into a story, theres a few things u could do to improve it. Instead of just giving an account of what happened maybe u could go a little deeper. Talk more about the feelings than what happened... people enjoy having to work out what is happening in a poem by the feelings portrayed. but hey do what u want as long as you're having fun.
    | Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by thoughts | [ Reply to This ]
      Good story. It wasn't really cheesy or anything either which was good. Cause most people tend to make them that way now n days. Or at least what I've found anyways. This was pretty deep and showed that you do care about this person and you are sorry for whatever happened.

    This flowed well, the structure was good. I really don't think I have any complaints. I just hope you showed this to the person you are talking about in here. Cause that would have been smart if you did. Oh and thanks for the comment on my poem too. I'm glad you liked it.

    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]

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