Frozen whispers. Hollow screams.
Broken smiles. Ripped at the seams.
Crimson stains. Blood shed tears.
This pitch black heart. Drowning in my fears.
Broken flesh. Shattered soul.
Missing pieces. Ill never be whole.
She tries to help. But she cant see.
the frozen loneliness. Contained in me.
Dead inside. Yet still alive.
This nightmare. I cannot survive.
My fake disguise. Enveloped in lies.
No longer in her. Can I confide.
Bleeding metal. Satin skin.
Yet still no rest. Just another sin.
Casket chosen. Obituaries wrote.
In my crimson puddles. No longer will I float.
Reality fades. My eulogy cascades.
My hate remains. And my love sustains.
This hatred in me. Just wont let me free.
This darkness tells me. To lay here and bleed.
Empty bottles. Fallen pills.
No more hollow. Screams to fill.
No love to give. Only pain.
This burden I am. Is the one to blame.
Forever alone. Inside my thoughts.
In this eternal night. My sanity's lost.
I live to die. I speak to lie.
I swallow to drown. In the blood my eyes cry.
Hidden secrets. Under my sleeve.
No happiness. No hope.Left to retrieve.
My frozen black heart.Now bleeding no more.
Her empty words.Empty promises she swore.
Ive given up on me.
On these thoughts in my mind. Ive given up on the empty bullets.
This gun left behind.
Her wings now broken. My angel has fled.
Fled from the pain. Fled from the fear.
Fled from the blade. As it crimsons my bed.
My angel has failed me,Failed the task set ahead.
Instead of saving me from myself.
She's left me to be consumed by the dead.........
This has been nothing more,
Than an angels failure.
| I don't really know how to critque poems like this... so ps forgive me. although I do think this has way too many periods. In a lot of places, the periods can be omitted and sometimes replaced with comma's. |
just a suggestion.
|| Posted on 2005-12-18 00:00:00 | by Sweethonesty | [ Reply to This ] || this has potential... just break it up and stay consistent. the beat in a few of the lines towards the begining, where it seems more measureed is a little off. like if u say can't instead of cannot it might make a change.||| Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by mimi | [ Reply to This ] || At first i was really excited when i read this, it seemed so fantastic, but then it droned on and on, i got bored real fast. Then, as i forced myself to reach the end, you totally switched the way you were rhyming. why? what was that all about? this is really powerful, and i did like it, but its too long, and the ending does not need to change rhyme schemes. I would suggest breaking this into more than one poem, as the longer it is the more tangents it goes on.|
|| Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Kane Martyr | [ Reply to This ] || The meaning seems out of order, it looks like random writing, instead of a flow of words, and some words are repeated throughout the write. such as blood, and bleeding, crimson. |
I think the point your getting across is that your suffering from her, and all the mutilation tht goes along with that, the write could be written better, but it is good, has good detail in some parts.
|| Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by rAbit | [ Reply to This ] |