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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I do not want it backdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1285
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 623



    Description:
       I only need to show my Faincee that she is everything to me and all I want to live happyly with her. Do not want to be hurt again. I wish you will all like my poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI do not want it backdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You have taken my heart
    and I do not want it back
    All I want and wish
    Not to have it back with
    hurts or to be faded like a rose.

    You have taken my heart
    and I do not want it back
    all I want and dream
    to open the gates of that
    beautiful heart of yours.

    You have taken my heart
    and I'm not willing to get it back
    all I want and imagine myself
    taking you on my white hore
    and running as fast as the horse can,
    taking you away of everything.
    to a place which looks like heaven.





    Submitted on 2005-12-03 08:40:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      as far as structure here it looks almost perfect. Almost, there is a tiny tweak here in the first stanza last line you have “hurts or faded like a rose” hmm I see some more but I will get to those later. I would put “hurts” on the previous line so the whole two lines read like this:

    Not to have it back with hurts
    or to be faded like a rose.

    rose is good for me, I like it even though there is a rose proliferation lately but that is ok by me it comes and goes; along with other words people latch on to, they suck it dry and move on. The rose is symbolic for love so to me good stuff you could even give that rose another description and say it is a “cursed rose” all up to you of course. Maybe cursed is too much how about wilted??

    the second stanza is more powerful for me than the first. Here you don’t want your heart back you feely give and wish to have the gates to her heart open, which I like. Normally I don’t like repetition unless there is a little space between the those words you did provide some space but I would try to change up he first two lines of the second stanza just slightly only if you want to of course. You can still say the same thing here like this: “You rapture my heart, I shall not request it back”

    third is still a carbon copy of what was said before in the beginning of the stanza but there is a little space so that is ok. I must commend you on those key words you put in there in the third lines of each stanza that is neat to see those. 1st –wish, 2nd-dream,and 3rd imagine that is something I do like a lot, that word playfulness that folks do in their writes. What makes the third stanza different here, is that you let your imagination go into two more lines leading all the way to heaven. that leaves it off in a better mood. one little correction here in this stanza is “hore” you do not want to leave it there trust me. I think you were going for “horse” also I would take out “and” on the 5th line. Another thing here is the 6th line “taking you away of everything” is not correct, you might have wanted “from” instead of the word “of”


    Trim this up and give it to the lucky person. Take care and may the one you love journey with you,

    ~mike
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      hey first of all thanks for your lovely comments on my peoms "I ask you" and "sky an me", I am glad you like them.
    Now to your poem, you know what I think about it. Still I will tell you again, it is a lovely poem. It comes straight from your heart. I think if you show it to your fiance she will it.
    thanks again for your considering me as your friend and for your well wishes.
    With lots of love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      This was ok. It seemed a bit short to me. Probably could have added some other things about how much you love her or maybe other things you don't want back. In some parts you were a bit repetitive of what you said in the beginning. Well actually it's where you say in the first 2 lines of each stanza

    "You have taken my heart
    and I do not want it back"

    You seem to repeat it and I don't think it's really necessary. If you want to say it again maybe you should say it in a different way like you did in your 3rd stanza a bit. But this is a pretty sweet poem overall. Show it to your fiancee, she'll probably like it.

    Brenna
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad but a little repetitious. Love captures so many feelings and emotions that I think you could make a few changes to this to make a much stronger impact with what you say. "I do not want it back" and "not to have it back" is said too many times in such short poem. Try finding other ways of saying this to add some variety to this. Same thing with "you have taken my heart" It is ok to say it once and I understand you start your stanza's off that way but it is too repetitious and doesnt capture the reader the way it should because it just says the same things. A little work could make this one better. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the repition of this one. Normally I don't, but in this poem it works so well. I think this was just so romantic and beautiful. I loved the wording and the vivid details. I think the first stanza was the most powerful to me. Great job.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]


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