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    dots Submission Name: Back Offdots

    Author: C. Flava
    ASL Info:    19/M/ILLINOIS
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 87/117/28
    Words: 50
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 1003
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 349


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBack Offdots

    Keep your space
    I don't want you anymore
    So just stay away

    The thing we had
    Is tired and done
    Cause just sight of you
    Makes my stomach turn

    This Game we're playing
    So do me favor
    And just let me be

    Submitted on 2005-12-04 00:24:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is not a lot to this piece. Yes, you have managed to get the original emotions that you were feeling onto paper, but there is not much more than that. All it feels like is words on paper.

    Let me see. I like the use of the shouting in caps lock. That's very effective, especially since it starts the piece off with a level of anger. But then you decend rapidly into a more sedate, more calm feeling, and that does not fit in with the orginal mood that you are trying achieve. You need to descend into the gentler mood at a slower, more sedate pace. And then you get angry and are shouting again. But by the time you finish the next line, you are once again too calm in comparison. You have some extrememly heavy emotions being exposed in those two spots, but the words around them, doing nothing to help.

    In addition, a lot of your words do not do well with the mood of the piece. You need to use more angry and more bitter words. What you have here, portrays the idea of anger, then happiness, another burst of anger, and then the sedate happiness at the end. Keep consistant with the emotions here, since it is quite clearly the anger which you are trying to get people to see.

    You need to go back and take some time to read what you have shown here, and then think some more about the emotions that you are trying to recreate on the page for the reader. This is especially important, since the topic you have chosen here is somewhat cliché, and honestly quite overused. That is not to say that it does not have potential -- this piece, like all of your pieces (if only you would take the time to reflect and review your work, as well as edit...) definitely has the potential to become something a lot more. The question now, is if you can do it, is if you have the patience to sit there and think about the different connotations that each of the different words has.

    I hope this is what you had in mind when you asked me to take a look, and I hope that this feedback will be enough for you to take another look at what you have written. I am glad to see you still alive and kickin'.

    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
      well player this tells me ya just don't want her around anymore....am I close----yeah, screw the ho---they all are man, 'm telling ya by the time your my age you will have racked and packed dozens and dozend of em and not one would you want to have back...they are all hos.......
    na jk there are a few good ones......but rare....very rare
    how ya been playa?
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Short and quite simple, you've picked a subject matter that is used quite often on this site.
    To be honest although you've made an average start, i feel this lacks depth and feeling.
    Don't get me wrong the piece could be a start to something good, but i don't think it stands to well as it is. Try adding a few more stanzas and maybe a reason as to why you want this person out of your life.
    Hope this wasn't too harsh a critique.
    | Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]

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