Green by Poly Jean

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Submission Name: Green dots

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Author:	Poly Jean
ASL Info:	31/f/FarAway
Elite Ratio:	4.46 - 382/259/68
Words:	117

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	364
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	753

Description:
I wasn’t sure if I should post this. So all comments and thoughts are welcome, but mostly some constructive criticism. Thank you.

*done some editing, thanks for suggestions.

Green

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You are a force of nature
You lift me up
And knock me down
To the sighing soil underneath your feet
You blow me apart
And wash me away
To the melting snow falling off your shoulder.

Novembers chill doesn’t harm your naked torso
Drum tensed skin, hundred drums beating
A tribal call for life only I can her.
On your flesh, a reminiscences of summer
A Reflection of sunlight only I can see
And I am blinded, deliberately blindfolded
Not to notice the mud
I’m sinking in, enviously green.
It takes a divine power
To control the force of nature
The might I don’t possess
I wonder does she?

Submitted on 2005-12-04 07:11:05 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i could feel the power in the poem of confuse
of how someone wants and need to control
someone or something so powerful in our life
i like it ~
| Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by ms.v | [ Reply to This ]
  Dear Poly Jean:
I get chills when I come over here. For I know I am in the presence of Wisdom that is well displayed. I have seen many things you have said just in different ways.
If you do not mind may I ask a little more detail on who was represented by her/she. I am not totally sure but sounds like when you say (The Sighing soil underneith your feet) means a sorrow from the ground. If this be so then I can see the blown apart and washed away. also everything else Including Envious Green.
As far as asking for constructive critisim no not from me. For I have my own history which I do beleive helps me to understand. The words that are at hand. Most certainly its easy to want controll. Sometimes fate does not take place for 2 and once. This as I am sure as you know that I know.Or perhapes I am just blown away and also envious green. What ever the case, Dear Poly Jean you certianlly have me thinking ty much Big Bear
| Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
  Terrific! I really like this. Envy rears her ugly head. I think you've formed this just right. First the description, then the inner thoughts, followed by your closing question, gives it a punch. You've asked for constructive criticism, so, I'll try my best. Your tenses are mixed in Stanza 1, "lift, knock, and wash", are present, and "blew" is past, so change that to "blow".
Further:

S1 -L1 I would drop "You are" and just begin "A force of nature", since you use "you" in L2. L4 Food for thought, try reversing the phrase to "soil sighing".

S2 - L2&L3 "Drum tensed skin, a hundred drums / beating a tribal call only I can hear". I like the structure and sound of this, since it aligns more with the following lines, and I think the phrase "for life" is unnecessary. L4&5 Don't repeat "skin", use "flesh" instead. It's more primal. Add "a" before "reminiscence" and before "reflection". L6 Change "I'm" to "I am". L10 Change "the" to "this". L11 Change "The" to "A" and "don't" to "do not". L12 "I wonder. Does she?" Two separate ideas, two separate sentences (or at least a semicolon).

That's all I can add. Want to say that I enjoy your writing, your thoughts on paper I think you once said, or something to that effect. This one I thought builds to great closing, expressing inner feelings along the way. Sometimes it is difficult to admit our own short comings, such as jealousy or envy. It takes courage to do so, and to do it poeticly is even more difficult. So I commend you for that. Also the phrasings you constructed were highly original and clever, such as "sighing soil", "drum tensed skin", "desperately blindfolded', and "enviously green". I liked those. you seem to have a flair for words. You use them with ease. So, your writings (poems( come alive. Just good stuff!

Phil
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  "You are a force of nature" great line.

"And I’m blinded, deliberately blindfolded" another good one. its strange the things we bring upon ourselves, isnt it?

its a good poem, but as someone already mentioned, i would change "wash" to "washed" just to stay consistant with your tenses.

actually, i think you should change "blew" to "blow" because then the entire stanza will be in present tense.

anyway, thanks for the comment.
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by lovefatal | [ Reply to This ]
  i think wash should be washed since blew was past tense, but believe me that is the only thing i would correct. this is a lovely poem. sorry i cant help you more with it.
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by namesdontmatter | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is brillant, and absolutely fantasic. Definetly talented. Going through a very similiar situation right now, and it kinda sucks. readin it makes me have flashbacks of my own, to a happy moment frozen in time.
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by nobodys_angel | [ Reply to This ]
  i wasn't able to relate to some parts of your poem. but the parts i could relate to proved your talent. keep writing and do improve your rhyming. take a peek at my works if you get time, will ya?
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by obaid | [ Reply to This ]

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