Co-Existence "4-12-2005" by corruptedspirit

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Submission Name: Co-Existence "4-12-2005" dots

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Author:	corruptedspirit
ASL Info:	26/Male/England (Swindon
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 160/185/56
Words:	67

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	252
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	543

Description:
Ok i deleted all my pieces from the site and intend to re-write each one.
This particular piece was one of my favourites and quite a few of you liked it the first time round, so i've added afew little tweaks and hopefully improved the write.
Any comments on improvement or wording would be greatly recieved....Plus any other comments you wish to post.... =o)

Co-Existence "4-12-2005" dots

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There must be a destination,
Within the stars' constellation,
That requires no sanitation,
And offers no retaliation,
To foreign negotiation.

We could then populate,
And they wouldn't retaliate,
We could then negotiate,
They'd open the floodgate,
With no need for mass debate.

We could all co-exist,
With no need to resist,
They could even assist,
Exploration should persist,
Until we find that which is missed....

Submitted on 2005-12-04 09:04:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  wow, this is similar to my poem eh? great job, i like this poem., Your ryhme scheme totally works and is very effective. I f only the world was like that. But you know? I know in my mind, that the human race is far from accomplishing that dream of peace and harmony...if only man...if only...
| Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
  A fine poem. It is nice to have hope, even when you know a thing won't happen.

Please don't mind if I comment on Nadia's (wordsofmind) comment. What is wrong with the world isn't that we're different. What is wrong is discrimination because of our differences. I mean, there's nothing better than going to an exotic country to learn about their habits and traditions, but when you enter their country and curse every one of them, then it isn't so good.

Humans shouldn't be all the same, that's not what this poem says. It says we should respect each other's different opinions, thoughts, feelings, reactions, lifestyles. This poem is a call for understanding, for rebirth of mind, not rebirth of mankind. Does that make sense? Aren't I right, Danny?

This piece is brief and to the point. You've said everything you had to say in carefully chosen language and a steady rhyme scheme.

I'll now go into detail. Wording is, like both Sammy and Nadia have said before me, awe-inspiring. Stanza one, last line, you've misspelled "negotiation", it needs an 'o'. Apart from that, my only suggestion would be to add a syllable to stanza two, line three. It's a shame to see the beat falter because of a single missing syllable.

This poem truly was an inspirational wake-up call to the world. If only they'd hear...

Take care,

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  I remember reading this at some point and liking this quite a lot. I still do of course. I also remember agreeing on this piece.

We could co-exist, but that possibility or probability is how you say? Almost inexistant. There's so much difference between one individual and the other. Firstly, his way of thinking and behaving. Then comes his inherited culture, habits, even religion! But even though diffference can be an incovenience because it can engender problems, disputes, quarrels, it also has its advantage: diversity. What is more interesting than to know someone exotic? To Learn about his life in his native soil and such?

A good write. And I must say, a good choice of words. My only suggestion is that you change co-existance to co-existence (since this is how it is properly spelled) and Within the stars constellation to Within the stars' constellation (so that it'll be grammatical).
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]
  How true it is. The world sucks, lol. It's too bad we really can't be friends. Actually, we really won't be because we disagree far too much. But, the world does need some differences, if we were all friends then the world would be too peaceful, something bad would be bound to happen.

It was really good, a bit too sing-song-y but all around it was a great poem. Descriptive words are what really brought this piece together, kudos!

Happy Holidays (again!)

Sammy
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by Raven_TheWolf | [ Reply to This ]

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