Beautiful Nothingness by zyllion

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Submission Name: Beautiful Nothingness dots

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Author:	zyllion
Elite Ratio:	8 - 171/117/20
Words:	148

Class/Type:	Poetry/Lostfriend
Total Views:	244
Average Vote:	1.0000
Bytes:	912

Description:
This is dedicated to a friend who just committed suicide, and this became my expression of emotion and regret now that he's gone.

Beautiful Nothingness dots

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In the moments when the sun is just setting
The stages of pre-pubescent midnights
There are two of us sitting in the back of the world
Staring off into the distance
A flash of color lights the sky
Glittering, golden fireworks just barely visible out over the bay
And you pull me closer
For nothing else matters besides the pull of your arms
The sky grows darker, fogged over
No longer are the flashes visible
The sky cries, giant tears for what we have lost
Your arms become fainter, not so tangible
Merely outlines, and the tears grow more frequent
Creating puddles in the mud next to our – my – blanket
And even as they had started,
Tears are gone
Pulling you with them
Refusing to reveal the bitter truths
So I am alone in the back of the world
Left only with my memory of you

Submitted on 2005-12-04 14:13:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I am not good at commenting on other peoples works, but I will say that I did enjoy the read, and it is a little to personal to critique. Thanks for checking out some of my writes.

Dustin
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by dustinamoody | [ Reply to This ]
  I couln't critique somethign this personal. besides, i'd really only give one comment,w hich is i realyl like

Creating puddles in the mud next to our – my – blanket

a sad, hesitation that i really like.

i'm so sorry. I wish you the best.
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a well-written piece. However, you either need punctuation and/or stanza formations to separate these thoughts out into a more cohesive train of thought. You already have some punctuation but there are parts that don't flow on without more guidelines for us readers to follow.

With that in mind, there are probably a few places where you could connect this better grammatically/syntactically with the deletion/addition of some words to give something more concise and effective in rhythm and sonics.

Forgive my tampering - I often see the skeleton and wish to play around for my own amusement. So whatever I suggest is just that - a suggestion that you can take or leave as you wish.

In the moments
When the sun is just setting
In pre-pubescent midnights,
There are two of us sitting
In the back of this world,
Staring off into the distance

A flash of color lights the sky -
Glittering, golden fireworks
Barely visible over the bay,
And you pull me closer
For nothing else matters
Besides the pull of your arms

The sky grows darker, fogged over;
No longer are the flashes visible,
As the sky cries, giant tears
For what we have lost

Your arms become fainter,
Not so tangible;
Merely outlines,
And the tears grow more frequent -
Creating puddles in the mud
Next to our – my – blanket

And even as they had started,
Tears are gone -
Pulling you with them,
Refusing to reveal the bitter truths;
So I am alone in the back of this world
Left only with my memory of you

Take a look and see how I divided this. I also added some punctuation. Tell me if it works for you or doesn't... I'm open to the same form of critiquing upon my work, so yea...

Hope this helps in some way.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2005-12-04 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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