Description: What would happen to us al if we weren't told from birth not to get excited? if when something made us wonder or fume or cry, we weren't told to not worry about it because it wasn't close.
I think sometimes in life, weperpetuate because we have to- it's easier than stopping and looking around.
Put your lips over my eyes -------------------------------------------
Put your lips over my eyes
And sing me to sleep
“Put your lids over your eyes
Find your peace in sleep”
Put your hands over my ears
And keep out the sound.
Won’t think about what I heard
When you weren’t around.
I drempt- Black Babies
Who had strong Irish hair.
Germans with Menorahs
And Senors were there!
And they all got together,
and sang so many songs . . .
Sharing their voices
for a world that's so wrong . . .
In the morning I left
And came home again
And there was a hole
Where dreams had been.
I use a method of commenting at times when I want to reflect on a written piece. Allow me to use this method in commenting.
1. Be honest.
"Honesty is the best policy", but at times honesty can be confused with cruelty. I will not resort to insulting a fellow poet as many take pleasure in doing. Arrogance is downright disgusting and belittling is embarrassing to both. I do believe this personally.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
Compliments are well needed to encourage, but too much creates the phoniness we cannot bear to ingest. I will be as honest as possible without badgering you!
3. How did it make you feel?
I felt as if this was a sweet lullably sung to a lover. I didn't get the feel of a baby. Perhaps, I am viewing this because I am lacking in this area. Definitely can be used as a model to expose all the wrongs of this world and how we need to dream about coming together as one body and one people.
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
In the last three stanzas:
I drempt- Black Babies Who had strong Irish hair. German’s with Menorah’s And Senors were there!
And they all got together, and sang so many songs . . . Sharing their voices for a world that's so wrong . . .
In the morning I left And came home again And there was a hole Where dreams had been
Here lies a great lesson and a beautiful exposure to what has been overplayed in so many families, homes, etc. A dream that is so vivid, yet so far from our mind as individuals.
5. Which parts?
Every part goes in accordance with next. How you express the following stanza is only for the visionary's eye:
Put your lips over my eyes And sing me to sleep “Put your lids over your eyes Find your peace in sleep”
Especially the last two lines in this stanza. Although it may seem gruesome, but it bears a protective barrier to hide all the ugly that occurs. The comfort of having someone to cover your eyes from all that occurs as a comfort zone or provider of protection from suffering wrongs. Hmm, impressive. This is my take and I don't know if it is what you meant to write, but every eye has a way of looking on things at a different angle.
6. What distracted from the piece?
I can't think of anything that distracted from the piece.
7. What was unclear?
Everything was simplistic and clear as day.
8. What does it remind you of?
It reminds me of a lullaby sung filled with all the hopes and promises that we dream of and the wrongs that hinder those promises in the long run.
9. How could it be improved?
Improvements: NONE
10. What would you have done differently?
Nothing.
11. What was your interpretation of it?
I told you already! Boy, do I love this question. I can use arrogance in humor. HA HA! What a question? This should have been part of another question. I can't believe how people try to get over on getting a comment! LOL, I'm so loving this question.
12. Does it feel original?
Very. I don't think there is another like it. Great work fellowpoet with a deeper meaning than most would think. If we limit ourselves to look over the poem we will leave a less than perfect review, but when we seek to identify the piece with all that we have experienced it is then we will find the essential meaning of each literary work. It is all based on these two words: PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION.
I think thgere is something off about this piece---did you work and dwell on this maybe too long --over done maybe??/ first off your 1st stanza
Put your lips over my eyes And sing me to sleep “Put your lids over your eyes**WHAT Find your peace in sleep”
And they all got together, and sang so many songs . . . Sharing their voices for a world that's so wrong . . .
In the morning I left And came home again(now I know you are trying to rhyme but this is almost bordering a sad attempt at NOT being forced And there was a hole Where *all mydreams had been. as I keep reading this I want to add the word all my dreams have been
anyway I am seeing that you HAVE already written this over again and maybe that is the problem--these are just my opinions and you can take them or leave them but I see the potential in this to be really freaking good--just needs your final touches lamemansterms
Hey, Definately like this re-write. I'm glad, people can take and use criticism...The one thing, I would comment on if anything would the '...' in the 4th stanza. I don't think you need the first time, you could a semi-colon just as well. That's all. Thanks.
'In the morning I left And came home again And there was a hole Where dreams had been. '
a sad thought indeed, dreams let you hope for something everyone else tells you can be. I really loved the imaginary here. The questions.
What if... a question you put so beautifully. yet, still with raw feelings.
You seem to think very deep, you ask questions that no one else seems to think of. You really question life itself. With that, you make everyone else too. another well written poem. take care ~jennifer
The first idea that comes to mind is from Taoism "the five senses blind" and then everyone around you is giving their special review of it all, even down to sharing their fears with you.
What if we couldn't speak at all, would we need so many people telling us how we should think?
In the morning I left And came home again And there was a hole Where dreams had been.
This says so so much, what if the world were so perfect, we didn't get to dream? I don't think I am in favor of a perfect world, sounds boring to me.
I love your style, it's thoughtful and clever too, great job! I can't find anything to do differently here, it does exactly what you intended. thanks for sharing.
Hey, I really liked the imagery is this piece, powerful and thoughtful. Favourite line, 'and there was a hole where dreams had been.' Your poem reminds me of what my teacher once said to me, 'what we crave is not reality and the world but an un-reality and world which we create ourselves.' I know, silly really... Anyways, just a couple of things, I would say need some looking at. Firstly, the line 'and Mexican were there,' I just don't like the way it sounds, not the statement or anything but the words themselves. I think it might sound better if it were either 'mexicans' or 'senors' ? Also, in the 4th stanza, the last two lines just don't fit. They seem like you're trying to get a rhyme out of them. It sounds fake and melodramatic even. I think you should either lose them and leave it as is because it is kinda obvious, it doesn't happen in real life or replace them with something a bit more substantial. That's all really apart from, well done, I did like it.
Hmmmm...This makes you think...T'eah,It makes you think ALOT.I have to say that this very deep in meaning indeed and like what I think you are implying.What I am getting from this is that you are seeing things the way an adolescent does or very mature child does.They see how the races of the world fight and discriminate each other and they also se the bodily differences pointed out with each race.When those features start,it becomes somewhat chaotic.I could go on into this but that would take such a long while and I just don't know how to word it anyways!Well,I realy enjoyed this piece,but I have to say that my favorite stanza is this one : "In the morning,I left and came back home again and there was a hole where the dreams had been." God bless and happy holidays! :) - Lindel
I read your poem again and I have to admit that stanza 3 and 4 has got this terribly & exceedingly powerful quality that made like your poem even more. I completely agree with the previous post when “the differences in races" were mentioned. I also admit that I did not get all at once and took advantage of this earlier critique to understand your lines better. Well done. Ethan.
woa I have got to read this one a couple of times more before I can truly comment because this one made me think.
Ok I kinda get this one. Naw I take that back I get a lot of diferent things from this one. Like how people only know what they are told to be true.
How people are sheltered from individual and original thoughts.
How people create an elitest society where someone HAS to be more dominant and this causes people to emphasize the diferences between men. Because of this it is taboo for different races to share things or ideals or traditions.
How life erases dreams, that day to day wear and tear on the human soul leaves many of us incomplete because we aren't capabale of dreaming.
Oveall I think this one is a good piece, usually the foggyness degrades the beauty of a poem but in this case the fact that this poem made me think made me like it. You are truly talented and I will be adding this one to my fav's list.
This is quite brilliant. The whole things came out naturally. I really liked the title you chose ... I don't know it’s got something appealing in it that I'm not quite sure what it is. However I felt that stanza fifth was sort of unnecessary or let say that it sort of breaks or interferes with what you were trying to say ... I did not like it to be quite honest. But then again that’s just my personal appreciation. Finally, you misspelled "dream" in the third stanza.
Submission Name: Put your lips over my eyes
