Pick up lines by Atrip187

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Pick up lines dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Atrip187
ASL Info:	21/Male/Some Alley
Elite Ratio:	4.53 - 81/76/21
Words:	63

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	420
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	382

Description:

Pick up lines dots

-------------------------------------------

Please dont cry
I want you to smile
To put that glimmer in your eye
I will tell you the sweetest lie
Please dont cry
I want to see you smile

Trust me with your heart
let me soothe your pain
Pierce you with Cupids dart
We will never be apart
Trust me with your heart
let me soothe your pain

Submitted on 2005-12-05 01:26:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  okay so now your discription for "more pick up lines" makes better sense... this one is exactly the opposite, but it is still pretty good... it makes you sound a lot more sincere, even if you are not... these pickup lines are the same ones i used to use, before i was collared by my wonderful girlfriend... she never fell for any of these, but plenty of others have... (well a few, i shouldnt lie)
anyways, i said i would read this, so i did... keep writing, keep being honest, and keep it real... sorry, i got carried away there

PEACE and LOVE, greg
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
  This is what I would expect any guy that wanted to get laid to say. Not bad at all. I'm not too sure what exactly you were going for, but to me it sounds like a beautiful sugar coating for wanting to get a piece. If that's not what you were going for, the words are nice the other way around too. It could go either way and I give you props for that.

Candi
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]

Trust me with your heart
let me soothe your pain
Pierce you with Cupids dart
We will never be apart
Trust me with your heart
let me soothe your pain

In general:
the rythm needs some fixing. and like knight said, is this sincere? the sweetest lie suggest not, but the poem itself seems otherwise. and why is this a pickup line? pickup lines are bouncy, flirty, quick andagile, this is heavy, hoping, emotional. And what is the difference between I want you tos mile, I want to see you smile? (S1L2 S1L6)
because if you are trying to mirror the rythm around the center lines of the stanza, that just throws it.

see if this rythm works better

Please dont cry
I want you to smile
To put that glimmer in your eye
I will tell you the sweetest lie
Please dont cry
I want to see you smile

Please don't cry,
I want you to smile,
To put that Glimmer in your eye
I will sell you a sweet lie
Come on, just try
I want you to smile

I changed it to come on because that's what people always said to me when iw as crying. it feels more i think. but i want you to smile still feels alittle forceful. emphasis is on "I want" and not the you whom you address.

not a bad write, btu it needs some revsion.

Moot
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
  The title 'pick-up lines' makes it seem like the poem is not sincere - like as beautiful as the words and implied promise of intent are, they asre empty. Is that what you wetre trying to say? If it was, then I think it's really clever - well done. The poem itself, though, could use a little less repitition , and perhaps some more creativity. It's seems kinda . . . standard.
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.