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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pick up linesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Atrip187
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Some Alley
    Elite Ratio:    4.53 - 81/76/21
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 420
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 382



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPick up linesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Please dont cry
    I want you to smile
    To put that glimmer in your eye
    I will tell you the sweetest lie
    Please dont cry
    I want to see you smile

    Trust me with your heart
    let me soothe your pain
    Pierce you with Cupids dart
    We will never be apart
    Trust me with your heart
    let me soothe your pain




    Submitted on 2005-12-05 01:26:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      okay so now your discription for "more pick up lines" makes better sense... this one is exactly the opposite, but it is still pretty good... it makes you sound a lot more sincere, even if you are not... these pickup lines are the same ones i used to use, before i was collared by my wonderful girlfriend... she never fell for any of these, but plenty of others have... (well a few, i shouldnt lie)
    anyways, i said i would read this, so i did... keep writing, keep being honest, and keep it real... sorry, i got carried away there

    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      This is what I would expect any guy that wanted to get laid to say. Not bad at all. I'm not too sure what exactly you were going for, but to me it sounds like a beautiful sugar coating for wanting to get a piece. If that's not what you were going for, the words are nice the other way around too. It could go either way and I give you props for that.

    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Trust me with your heart
    let me soothe your pain
    Pierce you with Cupids dart
    We will never be apart
    Trust me with your heart
    let me soothe your pain

    In general:
    the rythm needs some fixing. and like knight said, is this sincere? the sweetest lie suggest not, but the poem itself seems otherwise. and why is this a pickup line? pickup lines are bouncy, flirty, quick andagile, this is heavy, hoping, emotional. And what is the difference between I want you tos mile, I want to see you smile? (S1L2 S1L6)
    because if you are trying to mirror the rythm around the center lines of the stanza, that just throws it.

    see if this rythm works better

    Please dont cry
    I want you to smile
    To put that glimmer in your eye
    I will tell you the sweetest lie
    Please dont cry
    I want to see you smile

    Please don't cry,
    I want you to smile,
    To put that Glimmer in your eye
    I will sell you a sweet lie
    Come on, just try
    I want you to smile

    I changed it to come on because that's what people always said to me when iw as crying. it feels more i think. but i want you to smile still feels alittle forceful. emphasis is on "I want" and not the you whom you address.

    not a bad write, btu it needs some revsion.

    Moot
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]
      The title 'pick-up lines' makes it seem like the poem is not sincere - like as beautiful as the words and implied promise of intent are, they asre empty. Is that what you wetre trying to say? If it was, then I think it's really clever - well done. The poem itself, though, could use a little less repitition , and perhaps some more creativity. It's seems kinda . . . standard.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]



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