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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: can you see me now?dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: my pain
    ASL Info:    16/F/aust
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 191/123/39
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Cutting or Mutilation
    Total Views: 785
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 779



    Description:
       ok i would like to know wat u think and where i went rite and wrong, perhaps this will make me a better writter, oh and if u could tell me on wat you thought of the last stanza. thanx


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotscan you see me now?dots
    -------------------------------------------


    my courage is too sore,
    to ever care,
    i'm falling to the lies i once bore,
    my life i start to tair,
    it seems i just want to much more.

    all i need is one last smile,
    to hide away the pain,
    to subside the tears for a while,
    even though i know nothing will ever be the same.

    i need to cut too deep,
    just one more time,
    feel the blood seep,
    and the knife scar my mind.

    all i want is for people to hear,
    my echoing plea,
    to realise its them who make me fear,
    i need them all to see,
    my one last tear.

    ...why can't you see me?...
    ...a deeper cut...
    ...why do you ignore me?...
    ...blood driping...




    Submitted on 2005-12-05 03:06:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      as i said last ltime the rhymes have to be constant, but in the beginnig, they were really good
    enjoyed reading it like all other of your works
    john*

    4/5
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah ... i think.. i agree with brat ,..
    th elast lines arent so gopd at all. you need to rhyme and lease change the words...
    but over all i think it is a good writing because it makes me think about all the stuff that i am feelings these days...
    but well aother thing to count on .. it is a very used topic .. and please dont try to do what other wrote... imean try to imagine more topics to talk about ...
    thats all!
    peace and love!
    and hope you keep writing ...
    victor!
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]
      This was cool...It really got me thinking and I can relate...THe last two stanzas I really liked...some of the beginning was a little distilled and I think maybe you could make it flow a little more...also your detail was fairly good. all in all good write. keep writing:)
    peace.
    PS. from your description about you hoping this write will change you...I think every write does in some way or another...either changes your style or strengthens it. YOu have alot of talent that shows in this write as good as any other:)
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, I really like this poem because it made me think.
    The sentences are really choppy though, so I think maybe you can get them to flow a little more.
    I agree with Brat05, rhyme it and you've got yourself a really great piece of art.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by xbleedxforxmex | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Brat, you definately need to devise a rhyme scheme for this piece, it was good but a little too unorganized.

    Peace,
    Jermaine.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      The last paragraph i really like but i think you need a rhyme in it i tried to think of one myself but couldnt so beside that i think its great! bravo!
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Brat05 | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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