Darkness Dwells Within"5-12-05 by corruptedspirit

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Submission Name: Darkness Dwells Within"5-12-05 dots

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Author:	corruptedspirit
ASL Info:	26/Male/England (Swindon
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 160/185/56
Words:	108

Class/Type:	Poetry/Dark
Total Views:	263
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	701

Description:
Thanks to Inspirit, for pointing out a few inconsistant lines, i think i may have finally finished this piece lol.Cheers Inspirit =o)

Darkness Dwells Within"5-12-05 dots

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My world is surrounded by a sheet of black,
And now it seems there's no turning back,
Satan himself takes shelter inside,
Twisting my every thought and every stride,
Anything once light; turned to dark,
He hunts out the good with an evil bark,
My insides are deceitful and impure,
I'm evils very own entrepreneur,
The only words I seem to speak,
Are those that make others cower; feel weak,
This darkness that dwells within,
Has turned me to a life of torture and sin,
All who stand before me be prepared to take a fall,
Because I don't wanna hurt just one......

I wanna hurt all!

Submitted on 2005-12-05 07:53:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  ok this is very nicely dark. the world sheet of black. and the permanency of the second line. hmmm maybe on the third you can put “Satan himself takes shelter inside” I just think that reads better while still retaining that the inside the is the house bit, which I must say looks pretty darn good. next line is cool, stride seems to fit with the spiritual “walk” of the individual. in the 5th line I might add an “of” in between “anything” and “light” not for a contextual reason just for better reading. you can always tell me to hang myself. I really like that evil bark in the 6th line. now of course assuming dog in that. dogs have a deep meaning when it comes to hell, death, the underworld such as Anubis and Cerubus. in Egypt ancient paintings showed dog headed entities that would imprison and destroy the enemies of light. so that is why I enjoy the “bark” in the write. line 8 I really don’t know about that “entrepreneur” part but hey whatever works. I like the next two lines 9-10 maybe a tad pretension in the message itself but I have those as well when it comes with spiritual things. and can really feel it on the 12th lines with the “life torture and sin” and the ending is great not hurting one but all. that’s great, be an equal opportunity destroyer! very nicely done,
| Posted on 2006-01-01 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
  I think you should stop rewriting each and every poem. If you like it and it gets across the message in your head... that should be good enough for you. If you spend too much time on all the feedback you'll end up producing something for the masses - not something I particularly care for. The individuality has to shine through for me and that's what I like about your writing. So promise not to overdo the rewriting thing ok?!

The message of this poem is powerful and almost sinister. You keep the thread throughout and manage to make the rhyming come across unforced and natural. Very well written!
| Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
  Very dark! I love it. Word choice seems to be very well done. "He hunts out the good with an evil bark" brought the image of Cerberus to my mind as well as Satan himself. Strong, controversial ending couplet as well.

My suggestion would be to rethink the commas at the end of every line. It is hard enough to do rhyming couplets without it sounding cliché. And I'm not saying that yours does, but I think that the commas, which imply a pause, at the end of the line makes the flow choppy. So, I would revise the ones that are breaking up a thought and leave those that work. For instance: emit the comma in lines 1, 3, 9,11 and then re-read the work and see if it flows better for you, I think it will. Also, I think you should put a more definate pause before the final couplet. Perhaps a period or a ceazura.

Nice work though.
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by cerberus | [ Reply to This ]

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