You woke to the light, pulling at your eyes.
I was right there,floral sheets whispering to my knees.
Brushing through strands of my hair
you caught a curl on your tender fingers
some meaning lingered there.
A pang of wanting shivers through my body
I admire the way you speak
sentances flow like a prayer
I say them over,
something to believe.
I've been saving some karma
lock and key under my bed
I dont think I have enough
to afford you just yet.
I know you dont need me
the floral sheets,
holding me close,
seem to agree.
i don't quite get the floral sheet thing but other than that i think that it is a really great poem. I am not very good with love poems, but you emotion really seems to seep through, i can tell that you deffinatly love this person, i LOVED the part about the Karama and wether nor you can aford her, i think that it is really wonderful writeing! ~Shadow P.s. Thankyou so much for reading another one fo my poems! I love hearing from you.
I really like this and i guess the only thing that threw me off a little was the last part about the floral sheets saying so...i think that you could tie it in a little better..perhaps by giving more about how the sheets conveyed a message to you...but thats just my thoughts..overall it is a very nice write..stormy
First of all I would change all the starting words to caps... You have lots of i's not I's. Ok that being said brings me to your third stanza... I 've been saving some karma lock and key under my bed i dont think i have enough to afford you just yet. i know you dont need me (add a different line here) <I just have to say that this is my most favorite part of your poem. You have put a feeling that many of us know into terms that makes you think "wow", this is deep. Feeling that you do not have what you need to earn someones affection is common but maybe explore how you got her there with you in the first place. (was it just luck?) There must be some reason that she choose to be with you that night. Maybe add what you find to be so special about her. Maybe it is just an infatuation that you have and spending more time with this person might make her more "real"...more tangable if you will.> And then maybe create a forth stanze and write about the floral sheets.
the floral sheets, they said so.
These are just a few ideas... great job by the way!
This is a vert interesting write I believe you were trying to recapture the emotion of that one night of bliss and that is why you remember the sheet so well A very good write! Take Care Ron By the way Welcome to Elite Skills I hope this sight brings you all the warmth it has brought me Please if you get a chance please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron