Dope God by Meckes

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Submission Name: Dope God dots

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Author:	Meckes
ASL Info:	20/M/NJ
Elite Ratio:	5.69 - 140/123/41
Words:	156

Class/Type:	Prose/Misc
Total Views:	272
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	860

Description:
This was a journal entry that turned into something else. I had something like an acid flashback, but not nearly as intense, just some serious BS that came pouring out of me at that time. I simply felt like sharing.

Dope God dots

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We are sinners! Never sober! Prayers to the Dope God go unanswered. Come to me my Chemical Angel. Come to me in the darkness of my mind. The tornado that rages in the center of my head is slowly consuming the rest of me. A chemical rainbow persuades, takes me in and washes the world away. Angel, where are you? You float within this body of mine and bleed life into me. You bleed artificial life into me. The world is counterfeit. Your love is prosthetic. Falling out of it, dropping down, away from myself. Cut out my disease. Cut out this dope tumor, this growing, consuming monster inside. Absolute blackness remains. And empty life, core removed and discarded, is left void of the substances that gave it substance. The reaction stops, the lights fade, and death is our reward for survival. Hell is the only recompense for the sins of the mind. I am Hell.

Submitted on 2005-12-05 15:01:30 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey,
Your piece is certainly raw and vicious in its description. But there's still something about it that just seems a bit off to me...I think possibly, it's probably the phrasing of some of your sentences. I feel like they should flow into one big ramble of confusion rather than stopping and starting, makes more of a statement about the narrator's state of mind. But then again, the stop'n' start might be the style you were aiming for, I don't know...
Also, 'A chemical rainbow persuades,' I don't like this line because a) you've used chemical again and I like variety, so maybe 'acid' 'synthetic' 'acrid' ? And 'persuades' here just doesn't seem strong enough for the tone of your piece, 'seduce,' or 'tempt' ?
And one last thing, I think the last line should be cut, it doesn't work, it just seems like an add-in, like you wanted to be really angsty. I think the one before is a much better ending.
Hope this helps.
Ta.

JoKing.

p.s. Thanks for your suggestions on my piece. Take them into consideration.
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, that really packed a punch! I mean, really powerful stuff here. You've got a lot of raw emotion here bursting out of each and every line.

To me, this read like a rant; an intelligent rant. (not that that's a bad thing or anything). A lot of times I'll read rants on sites like this one and it's all generic, "I hate the world" crap, but this was different. The words flowed wonderfully and your ideas were presented in pretty unique ways that were obscure to the poin where they stuck out in my mind, but at the same time, they didn't interfere with relaying the general message to the reader.

"Your love is prosthetic" Awesome line! Definitely my favorite one here.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say for this. Nice job and keep up the good work!

~babysweet56
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Babysweet56 | [ Reply to This ]
  Extremely moving. What else is there to day? It's desperate...it's real...it's pain. "The world is counterfeit" couldnt have said it better myself. Nice work Christopher...as always.
Stay genuine

XOxoXO,
me
| Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]

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