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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hope; The Thing With Feathersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nebnim
    ASL Info:    21 - Female - My Room
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 284/405/75
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1160
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 709



    Description:
       This little rendezvous between pen and paper was the first of many months. Can emotions get rusty? Can style collect cobwebs?
    It's good to be back.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHope; The Thing With Feathersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was reborn the night you first
    Held my hand
    Kissed my forehead
    Lingered upon my lips

    This simple, overwhelming,
    Barely understood feeling
    That, after all this time,
    Still errupts within me.
    Evoked by nothing more
    Than a glance,
    A gaze,
    A pause in your touch.

    How foolish I was
    To think that you, dearest,
    Would see me as only a fool.
    Eager for whatever
    You were willing to bestow
    Upon me and my little world.

    If God has room for me yet
    (though after much sin)
    I'd give you my space in Heaven,
    And love you quietly in Hell.




    Submitted on 2005-12-05 15:57:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This poem shows an excellent poetic sense all around: succinct, straight forward, with some fine poetic phraseings here...quite excellent, actually... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
    | Posted on 2007-06-04 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Considering I know a lot of your "indiscretions", I don't see Heaven in your future...but I'm sure we will have a hell of a party elsewhere...mom can drop us water...

    Very nicely written oh great 6 Foot Fairy, I don't believe you will ever become rusty - your poet muse speaks through your daily language (that would be inbetween the F*ck yous I receive) Your writing never ceases to leave me in awe
    bird dog
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      WOw! Just terrific! A great expression of love, where one places another life above their own.

    "I'd give you my space in Heaven,
    And love you quietly from hell."

    That says it all. What a great ending. I can see that you're working on this, each time it changes it gets better. Here is my only suggestion: In S3 -L4 you say "whatever" and never define it. This, to me, is just a tad vague. It leaves us wondering exactly what you mean, so, why not "whatever love" , "whatever feelings", "whatever thrills" "whatever" something. If you mean all the above, then find a general word beyond "love" or "feelings" that says what's in your heart. I think this will round out your poem just a bit.

    I loved it! A great ending! Your words were sincere and flowed together well. One could sense the emotion in this write, the feeling of love permeating the page. A big well done!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good love poem you have written. You really convey your feelings well with your words. You capture this feeling of love very well and describe it perfectly. The ending here is my favorite part as it is so unselfish and giving just the way true love should be. I found nothing to critisize in the poem. I found it to be written from the heart and your expression is excellent. Well done! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Great to have you back beautiful. I agree totally with Emeya's comment. You are rust and cobweb free.

    You know, when we first joined this site I was shocked and enthralled by the power of your dark pieces. You displayed a literary power that was astonishing. I came, I read, I cried.

    Now, we are in a different part of your life and I happy to see that you have the ability to turn those incredible talents to works of love like this.

    You have incredible talent. Live it and explore it.

    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one very much,-and the last two lines really set it off. You capture quickly and simply, the musing wonderment of being in love after more or less giving up on that emotion for some time.

    The one small suggestion I have is to eliminate the near repetition of "fool" and "foolish" in Stanza 3 , L1 and L3. Other than that small nitpick, I thought you expressed the emotion cleanly, in a straightforward fashion that complements the title and the blunt force ending.
    Great write
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this and just had to say something... nothing constructive, just an appreciation of what you wrote and how it flowed together, ya know?

    You brought simple words together and gave it such emotional depth - I was transported with you inside your mind in a way... yea, if that makes sense lol.

    Oh, this is just a little thing I noticed - your first stanza probably needs a few more commas since I noticed you added commas in your other stanzas. And it's spelt 'erupted' unless you did that deliberately and wanted that 'rrrr' sound lol. But yea, whatever - little things.

    I dunno, this just made something click inside me... perhaps I'm feeling along the same lines right now, perhaps it's a universal thing that comes and goes in my life.

    Who knows. But I like this piece. So thanks for sharing.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Aaaaaw, those last two lines are so beautiful.

    "I'd give you my space in Heaven,
    And love you quietly in Hell."

    Just for that last stanza, I have to add this to my favorites (don't ask why, I'm a sucker for a good closer). This is one hell of a comeback =P. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      my fav poems are love poems and this is going in my favs :)i enjoyed every word of it and the emotion it portrays is remarkable, had my heart thumpimg down the lines and i agree the last stanza really wraps the poem up beautifully ,welcome back
    Graham
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by gd66uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Jesus, you reckon I can write a love poem...
    this is great, and I really mean it!

    The style you've used is perfect, and I found myself lingering over your lines, not wanting to let each one go, clinging to the magic moment that it just gave me.

    In other words, dear, SENSATIONAL! True, true love needs to be written like this.

    I'm proud of ya
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh sweetie,
    It's good to have you back. I have missed your emotive writes. How tough to believe you aren't good enough. What a relief to find our you were mistaken in that belief! How wonderful to find love.

    And, in my humble opinion, God forgives all, so you and your love will be together in the after...

    Loved it! Welcome back!
    Chell
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, you clearly knwo what you want to say, and aren't bad at saying it at all! here are my critiques:

    Even out the rythm. the last stanza is much closer than the others, but that will help the entire peice flow. i feel especially in love poems, a steady rythm helps build that perfect warmth which is spoken of in the poem.

    i really like the last stanza, have i said that yet? loving quietly from hell is just a nice image.

    i also like "a pause IN your touch" makes it sound like his touch is a floating area of space which carries with it magic. like you've entered some divine mist.

    i did feel alittle awkward about "me and my little world" jsut ebcause the phrase strikes me as brekaing rythm. hoever on a second look, this little rythmic strangeness does make it sound like the verbal speech of that phrase would, and reviewing the entire peice under that lens, the rythm isn't bad at all. in fact, int hat way, the line breaks are very well situated. so if that was your goal, i see it working.

    one last thing: this poem, the last stanza is brilliant. the first is introductory. the second building. the third solves a problem which is never explained. could you tell us how or what happened? make the entire fall visible, so your loves rise is all the more fantastic?

    good write.
    Moot

    PS welcome back :-)
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]


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