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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ciggarette fueled lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Halston
    ASL Info:    20/female/carlsbad,ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.01 - 72/71/30
    Words: 87
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1160
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 550



    Description:
       
    written at 14


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCiggarette fueled lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Watching the days burning out like a ciggarette,
    Just a few more drags to go
    I blushed the first time,
    You spoke the last time.
    Rave on
    Rave on
    You know you love me so.

    And even though you speak so silly
    and you make noise of each fault.
    You catch my eyes
    and hold them so dear,
    Darling there is a difference
    There is a line.

    Can't you see the wall you built so high?
    with expectations soaring,
    sweetie you are hard to beat.




    Submitted on 2005-12-05 20:41:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this alot.
    "And even though you speak so silly
    and you make noise of each fault.
    You catch my eyes
    and hold them so dear,
    Darling there is a difference
    There is a line."

    You really captured one of those feelings that doesnt have a word for it.
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by SetmyselfonFire | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really awesome...not so much because of the poetic talent and skill it pocessed but for the fact that there was alot of honest, raw emotion...uneditted so to speak which totally gives it something that alot of writes that have been analyzed a million times over lack...another demension in a relative way. anyways this was really good...keep writing. hope to read more from you in the near future.
    peace
    ~silent
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      14 years old and writing poetry with "Structure" and meaning is unbeleiveable, but It isnt perfect, In fact as you wrote it really doesnt hit the mark, the count to it breaks several times and picks up again with a new tempo, there appeared to be a ryhme pattern being developed but it was disregarded after the first stanza.
    With all that said you did one very very very good thing your first stanza used a really good image. "A few more drags to go" I like that thought it was smooth.
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Atrip187 | [ Reply to This ]
      ... wow, what you have is really awsome really there isn't anything i can say but that you should continue on, it just seems really cut short, like you abruptly stopped but you mean to go on. I really think you should, there was one part in the middle of the second stansa that the rythum seems a little broken but other than that i am lost for words, this usually doesn't happen to me... i loved it... wow.
    ~Shadow
    P.s. thank you so much for reading "The path to indivduality" i'd love to hear more from you.
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really powerful. I can tell it means alot to you...and the person you speak of also does. And I agree with Metal Heart 74, it doesn't have to rhyme, not many of mine do, and I think a poem can be just as powerful with or without the rhyming.

    Overall this was quite good, I think you could revise a little bit, maybe add three more lines to the last stanza so it matches?

    Oh, and welcome to the site, I warn you, it's addicted lol.

    -Miss M.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by fightingirl19 | [ Reply to This ]
      You know, it doesn't have to rhyme, it is a really powerful poem on its own. Despite what felt like soft speaking and tender words, the message of love in this poem really came through and spoke. don't worry about rhyming all the time, sometimes it doesn't have to. This was a good poem-keep writing this stuff and make it this good and I will read it.
    Metal Heart74
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]
      You're right in saying it doesn't have much rhythm. but yea. i liked, i didn't LOVE it. but it was decent. lol. i sound mean. im sorry dearest. im glad danny was such and inspiration to you :P
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Itzmeemiflee | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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