Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Tale Of Some Sortdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: orderly conduct
    Elite Ratio:    2.44 - 51/80/36
    Words: 486
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1042
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2483



    Description:
       Written a long time ago. Which sparked various novel ideas which moved onto movie ideas which spun itself back to this site, were im posting it. So please review. ~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Tale Of Some Sortdots
    -------------------------------------------


    So. Uh
    There were these two boys. With amusing possessions.
    Like shoes and such. If we must describe them.
    We’ll call them
    Pretty
    With tenuous frames.
    And skinny hands. With violet eyes. And navy smiles.
    That stood still in a delicate posture.
    On days that rained. They stood on top of the building tall
    Speaking of the weather and things that mattered.
    Making sure their presence was uninterrupted.
    By unneeded reason. That only punished.
    These two boys.
    So time went by and as they stared,
    A treacherous smile escaped his lips. Sending a shiver down
    The others flushed pale face.
    And fever bright eyes.
    And his hands reached up and brushed the other's hair.
    Making sure they both knew-they were falling in love.
    So time went by and Elaine saw. The boys on top of the building tall.
    So time went by and Elaine said- some vague sentences on god
    and things of such.
    Stirring an army of unneeded shame.
    So the Christians came.
    And tugged at his tie.
    And told them what wicked the boys had caused.
    And the first boy said
    . hey you. d-don’t listen, to what those p-people said .
    and the second boy violently nodded and shook
    as they sat on the roof
    and stared at the rain
    The first one sat, speaking of them
    in words I dare not mention here.
    And the second one trembled and violently cried
    Of feelings of shame that crept up his eyes
    But dissolved in the kiss
    Of their trembling lips
    As they sat on the roof. And stared at the rain.
    And the first one bit his bottom lip
    And smiled because they were still in love.
    Soon Elaine spoke again of despondent shame

    Of death of bibles and Christians and such
    So the second one stared from the terrace roof
    And trembled as he angled on the square edge above.
    And he shook and he screamed for the first one to come
    but the first one was tying his shoes one floor below.
    And he trembled and drained his pretty violet eyes
    And he shook and he screamed and he clawed at his hands and fought with himself and
    fell.
    And the first one cried because they were still in love.





    Submitted on 2005-12-05 20:49:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I assume this is a pointed critique of the judgement passed on two introverted lovers by the narrowly defined criteria of 'acceptable' society (with the church as a convenient symbolic representation of repressed forms of expression). It seems obvious this is an older piece; it doesn't possess the same explosive imagery as your other posts (although it does adhere to the same loose style as the others). The plot seems to mirror a Japanes horror movie with a similar plot involving a love affair between two female students and the sadness that befell them (I believe it was called 'Momento Mori'). I admire your style. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      they were still in love.
    i don't remember what i told you the first time i read this, because it hardly applies now. maybe we've changed through these however months.
    i feel that "Soon Elaine spoke again" should be the start of a new "stanza". which by the way, i did not realize this was a poem. much more just a story, fulfilling whatever gay boy need fantasy you needed back then.
    i don't feel emotional about it anymore, because i've been in the presense of too much fake drama, and worse tears. I can only hold on to the idea that they were in love to get myself through this peice.
    the trembling, and the violet, and the rain, just wasn't enough for me this time.
    it was. though.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good stuff. Kept me reading all the way. You've got talent and insight.
    | Posted on 2005-12-05 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    83458

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry