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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: More pick up linesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Atrip187
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Some Alley
    Elite Ratio:    4.53 - 81/76/21
    Words: 210
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 249
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1255



    Description:
       This is not the same peice but a less restriced form of what i was thinking as i wrote "Pickup lines" Please dont send me evil comments because i know i am wrong for thinking like this but its what i was going through aight!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMore pick up linesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your skin smooth as silk
    Your touch as gentle as snow
    as innocent as a glass of milk
    How i love you, you can never know

    I could hold your hand
    or kiss your cheek
    to make you understand
    without you the world is bleak

    But would you ever see
    the way i truly feel?
    Like a child who scraped his knee,
    upon a shard of steel

    A pain way too deep
    A feeling too strong
    A hill too steep
    A journey way too long

    A Simple complication
    to add to my decree
    My love has an expiration
    At a quarter past three

    For then my life must move on
    You will have to leave
    and when your gone
    Dont even leave your scent upon my sleeve

    Your eyes are like almonds
    your touch as sweet as butter pecan
    But i got want i wanted,
    SO bytch be gone!!

    Who said i needed love from you?
    all i ever wanted was to screw!
    who said i didnt love you?
    I love everything i see on you!

    I didnt want to hurt you,
    i dont want it to end,
    i will call you for another screw,
    We can still be friends.




    Submitted on 2005-12-05 23:27:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    it was going good
    and it was pretty serious
    biaaatchh be gone
    im sorry but that just made me laugh!:]
    so i guess what im trying to say is

    try describing that different or something.
    unless your aiming for a comedy,
    i feel like you'll lose the audiences attention, it just got...cheesy

    ?

    i dunno
    it was pretty good on the whole
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Halston | [ Reply to This ]
      Honest-
    atleast you didnt lie about it, that is worse then this.

    Thats just how it goes, that is what its like here. You didnt call it right- it is just how it is.
    Men & women do the same thing, so its not a matter of gender.
    I think you did a good job. You really captivated your audience.
    Your form & rhyming flowed it well.
    Your writting was great- your subject.. you.
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      trully .....and I don't want to be an ass here or anything and I do hate doing this but the people before me aren't really helping you in any way. They should have said that there is nothing original here whatsoever...I mean I have heard something either exactly or almost exactly the same stuff over my years.....in fact I even said a few...I give you credit there but to post this I don't know.....maybe poetry is't what you were going for--but I mean dude come on these are lame lame lines---and dude George Carlin would not be impressed....this is what this reminds me of a bit....maybe you should take your fav one or two and combine them to make a serious freaking kick ass limerick or something along those lines ya know--kinda like George Carlin....sorry man if this is a bit cruel but eh ya know...
    Lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      Geez! haha! How heartfelt and sentimental this is hahahahahhahahahaaa. Ya know, this one started out all kinds of romantic and sweet and then BAM...reality check! hee hee! I gotta give you a kind word on this one because it is really sad but true that so many people out there feel this way and this is exactly how they are and not just men but lots of women too! Women are just as guilty of this kind of behavior, maybe not as frequently as men, but still just the same! This is a good and honest write. Nothing wrong with honesty in my book. Harsh one, but reality based in the world we live in today! See ya!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      haha, interesting... i love the way you twist it at the end, away from the touching love poem into something far more interesting... I say this all the time but i hate love poems and was a little sceptical going into this one, but you didnt disapoint... this is not merely a love poem, it is love to lust poem, not something you see everyday... this speaks to the very honesty that is often missing in love poems... bravo, nicely done
    i'll have to check out the other version...
    oh, and i am adding this to my favs

    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh my goodness...I'll give you credit for honesty. You kinda started lulling me into this and then WHAM it took a sharp turn in a new direction. I'm not gonna be critical here, cause I know lots of women like this to be honest with you, in fact more women that appreciate a booty call more than the guys, but that's another subject for another day. It was a nice rhyme scheme...lol, very interesting and I'd be interested to see what the backlash will be.

    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]



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