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the begging to my end


Author: shygirl
ASL Info:    16/f/ok
Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 71 /54 /14
Words: 274
Class/Type: Poetry /Sorry
Total Views: 1034
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1369



Description:


this is poem i wrote when i felt my life was over and my parent was as if some would say a bitch. so thank you for reading and have a great day.


the begging to my end



My hated life is torn apart
As suffering cries come out my hart

My mind is blank to all that’s good
And focuses on the bad as is my mood

My life is over let death find me here
I’m a blank mind with a black hart as death draws near

I stand in the dark with know body near
As evil in flares me and as shows me my fear

I fall on the floor with out even a sigh
And wait for death to come in side

I hate my self and others to
I hope to die soon so all will be doomed

My eyes start to close as all goes numb
I can’t even fill a finger or thumb

My life is now over death is inside
He pulls out his syth and stabs in my mind

All of the sudden lights start to flash
And now I see good and all is a dash

Faster and faster things go by
Till I see the future and so I have died

My mother is crying as if I care
My sister is to this I do dare

My family is gone and I am alone
Know body knows why death came to me in but one tone

The devil is now kinder then my mother is
I only miss few as I break apart sins

Now that my life is over
Let the new one begin




Submitted on 2005-12-06 11:06:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this was well writen and I realy like this line-The devil is now kinder then my mother is/// I always thought that two. I also like this- My life is now over death is inside///
| Posted on 2005-12-13 00:00:00 | by DrewDilla | [ Reply to This ]
  a few spelling mistakes but ok. O am sorry to here you think that the devil can treat you better then your mom. I wish to know more of what is wrong so we both can talk. that is if you care to chat about it. Other than that. your poem is ok. I can feel the pain you are going through.
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by dudethis | [ Reply to This ]
  well, i can really say that i didn't like it...i've seen death and let me tell you...it's not a good way out. Actually i didn't like this poem at all...except, yes, except...lol. The last lines, the very last two were very good. now that my life is over, let the new one begin...life gets better, it really does. but you have to grab it by the haunches and hump it into submission...lol...a little dodgeball for ya there. Life is never over...until you let it be. Remember that ok? and take care...and yeah...you might want to spellcheck your submissions...but, for what it's worth...i understood it anyway. take care ok?

Austin
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
  remember that last time i said you got the longest comment in recorded history? that one before mine is definitely the longest in recorded history! i thought the poem was well but the spelling errors are draggin' ya down. try typing it on word first and using the auto spell check then copy and paste, i think that would help. all the luck to ya ol buddy o' mine!

chai
Misty
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by misty_of_moon | [ Reply to This ]
  I rarely comment on comments but these two are both good and bad. The "spellin' was way off and the grammar "definitly" needs to be checked. To be fair though, if you need a little help on the technical stuff, you've excelled at the hard parts.

Poetry is about touching your audience, reaching into their heart and communicating something. The hard part isn't spelling or grammar; the hard part is using nothing more than words to "reach out and touch someone." You've done that here and you've done it really well. We've never met in person and yet after reading this, I care about you and I understand your feelings enough to be worried about you. Your word choice is good, the feelings come through strong and I think you've done a wonderful job overall.

Now for the spinster, virgin English teachers in the group, let's glance at those technical issues. I think if someone is going to point out the flaws they can help fix them, as well.

"My hated life is torn apart
As suffering cries come out my >heart<

My mind is blank to all that’s good
And focuses on the bad>,< as is my mood

My life is over>,< let death find me here
I’m a blank mind, a black >heart< as death draws near

I stand in the dark with >nobody< near
As evil >flares in< me and >< shows me my fear

I fall on the floor >without< even a sigh
And wait for death to come >inside<

I hate >myself< and others >too<
I hope to die soon so all will be doomed

My eyes start to close as all goes numb
I can’t even fill a finger or thumb

My life is now over>,< death is inside
He pulls out his >scythe< and stabs in my mind

All of the sudden>,< lights start to flash
And now I see good and all is a dash

Faster and faster things go by
Till I see the future and so I have died

My mother is crying>,< as if I care
My sister is >too<>,< this I do dare

My family is gone and I am alone
>Nobody< knows why death came to me in but one tone

The devil is now kinder >than< my mother is
I only miss few as I break apart sins

Now that my life is over
Let the new one begin


Many of these are homonyms, words that sound the same other words. I've always had problems with them; I know which words are used where, I just mess them up when I'm typing too fast.

The commas are mostly a matter of taste. There are pretty strict rules for commas in prose, but we've got more latitude in poetry. Use them to slow your reader down or when you want them to take a breath.


Getting back to the message you've told so well, the emotion in this is very strong. It reminds me a lot of some my friend's work. Look up the user nebnim in my Favs. She's written some incredible stuff in this same vein.

I hope that these are not your true feelings. Sometimes we write to clarify things to ourselves, sometimes to purge demons and sometimes just for frivolous, fictional fun. If this was a just a writing excercise, you've done well. If this is a serious things for you, I hope that you'll find someone to talk to. People can help.

Even if it's just us.

Steve
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
  The spellin and grammar was way off and some parts of the piece didn't flow as well as others which really takes a lot away from the piece. Still a good attempt though.

Sorries,
Jermaine.
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, spelling and grammar DEFINITLY need to be checked, as there are lots of mistakes. Also, i would suggest using this site's rhyme dictionary and thesaurus to edit some of these lines, they dont really rhyme very weel. Other than these things though, this is a pretty good job, you might want to use more metaphor though.

~Kane~
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Kane Martyr | [ Reply to This ]


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