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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the first.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lovefatal
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 22/38/19
    Words: 229
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 155
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1526



    Description:
       this is something i wrote about a year ago, but recently revised in order to show it to the man who inspired it.

    there's a second one of similar nature/structure. i'll most likely post that in a few minutes.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe first.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    ........if something happens once it's an accident


    she's a little bit unsure, unsteady

    this is familiar, yet shes never dealt with something so complicated

    & he tells her time might not be real.

    she rolls her eyes, her caustic reply, "i love you how tell me everythings just in my head."

    he gives her a goofy half apologetic grin, she sighs, she loves him, watches him light a cigarrette & make a face,

    "i dont know why i try so hard." he says with a shake of his head as he puts it out.

    he gives her a thoughtful look as she sits at the window.

    despite her arrogance, experience, she's self conscience around him.

    "what?" she wants to know.

    he rubs his eyes then smiles, "i'm really glad you're here."

    she is, too, but to say so isnt her way.

    she looks out the window instead at the falling snow.

    "why is everything so quiet when it snows? the world just..stops."

    he just watches her watch the weather. finally he says, "are you happy?

    she doesnt look at him, "i'd tell you if i wasnt."

    "would you?" he asks doubtfully.

    she smiles, still not looking, "of course not."

    & in that moment he vowed to make her happy.




    Submitted on 2005-12-06 12:51:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      THIS PIECE IS CRUNK MAYNE,

    I love this. I would have to agree with graeme. The spacing is wonderful. I read this piece twice. I love how you have her placed in this piece. She is keeping him guessing. Though she is happy he is there she will not say. You need to write another poem like this one. Put a story line to it and space it out. It will put somethings on the minds of us men. I love this poem! I love this poem! I love this poem! Thanks for a great work of artistry!
    | Posted on 2005-12-24 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the spacing in the piece. it forces me to read this slowly. And i think that's the best way to read it. I enjoy how we can see both her thoughts and her spoken words, this happens so smoothly in this and the second. The flow works really well for me. Thanks for this.
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by graeme | [ Reply to This ]
      now it read the first... just to let you know...

    still think about form to some extent... unless you feel that form will ruin these two poems... then by all means dont change anything... honestly i jsut think it will read better if it wasnt so free form...

    again, nice write...

    PEACE and LOVE, greg
    | Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting. :B I've never read a poem like this, or is this prose? Shortstory?
    Very nice. Very nice. I'm off to read the second now.

    @_@ *pokesnudge*
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by Mieko | [ Reply to This ]



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