Sun`s obscurity by vitoko

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Submission Name: Sun`s obscurity dots

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Author:	vitoko
ASL Info:	24/M/ Peru
Elite Ratio:	4.4 - 689/442/104
Words:	100

Class/Type:	Prose/Nostalgia
Total Views:	189
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	666

Description:
it is the first one i wrote today... i wrote two writing .. they are related to John Winston Lennon.... because i love his musik and his thoughts or believess.

s i hope u like it !
and enjoy it !

Sun`s obscurity dots

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The sun is black
The world is falling down
The mon is getting so far
Where is the world going to ?

Creatures walking around
And seeing anything
Humanity died with one illusion,
“Sun shines one more time”.

Their god will never hear their voice
What did they do to save their world?
Just having sex and killing each other
They didnt care about their future

Love was never there, here
Now, humanity is just dust
And the world will find another place,
Where others creatures will live,
They wont do anything
To kill their sun!

Submitted on 2005-12-06 16:59:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This captured a little lennon...(cool inspiration by the way) but I have to agree it's more
hippy-ish era. This one didn't really have a flow...and there ware a few spelling errors but that's not much of a problem...I liked what you were getting at here...I think if you went a little farther into it. good effort hun. keep writing.
peace and love.
| Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
  I do have to agree with Key Wester on this one poem. Your first one was very good but I don't get this one.

You do have some spelling errors but that is the least of the problems here.

Now i sense that you might be talking about the 60's and 70's because that was the love generation. Sex, drugs and Rock n Roll. and veitnam.
I can see you trying to connect this to that but you kind of missed the mark.
John Lennon tried to speak through his music about peace during this time. He was rare because he would have been a very good environmentalist today.
I don't want to deter you from writing anymore and hopefully you take no offense at these comments.
When you do write a poem try using spell checker for mistakes.

Respect and Admiration

Clyde
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. Absurdity-is that the common theme of this piece? I hate to be so trying with my comments/critiques...but i really don't think this even makes any sense. A couple of minor errors and such. I think its cool you're into Lennon, he's the [censored]. but i just don't know about these two poems buddy- thanks for the read anyhow

key wester
| Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ]

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