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    dots Submission Name: Greeddots

    Author: Darko
    Elite Ratio:    2.98 - 9/10/6
    Words: 421
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 874
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1804


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Blood rushing through my vain
    Iím swiftly cutting away the pain

    It feels so good
    As the glistening blade
    Acts as an aid

    It slides
    Along my skin
    Quickly mounting
    Away the shame

    I bleed to feel alive
    As the dark crimson
    Pours out
    The warm sensation
    Of blood trickling out
    Makes me smile
    Makes me feel

    I like to see it bleed
    I like to cut with greed
    It will soon become inconspicuous scars
    In which each holds a story
    A story of my past
    A story of hell

    I kept strong for too long
    I kept that mask on for so long
    I simply have nothing more to give
    Nothing to share
    Except my pain
    Which lies within

    One cut follows another
    Life is corrupted
    Till I canít stop
    Everythingís disrupted
    The blood drops
    My world is about to erupt
    Engulfed on the floor
    Into a fiery path of destruction
    I lay there starring at my gore
    Where my life is a total obstruction

    The blade falls from my hand
    It did not go as planned
    I try to say sorry for all I have done
    But death has already won
    I sit there
    No desire of living
    No sorrow
    No surprise

    Transporting my world
    To peace giving whispers

    I struggle to breathe
    In a world unaware

    I no longer lie
    I no longer cry
    I smile and say good bye

    Submitted on 2005-12-06 19:34:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Great write. I'm extremely impressed. The depths from which you took in the poem show maturity. Yes, a few misspellings, but good otherwise. Keep up the work. At 15, you are well on your way. Try more complex topics. xoxoxo
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by UNIQUEWOODS69 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think there were a few errors in this:

    "But death has already ONE" ... should ONE be WON

    and in...

    "I struggle to BREATH" ...shouldn't it be breathE (with an E at the end)

    But yeah, aside from the errors I liked this, you should check out my song: "I made friends with something sharp" it deals with the same topic...it just talks more about what led to the cutting other than the actual cutting action, and I like how you went deep into it, that moment how you (he/she) felt.

    I loved the ending, how you feel better after it's over. I loved the last lines in this especially this one:

    "I no longer lie
    I no longer cry
    I smile and say good bye"

    ...Oh, and another thing, when you said "THEY brought me here," who is they? Is it parents? I'm not telling you to change this AT ALL, but I'm wondering who is the cause of this suicide attempt.
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by vanhokinshtyl | [ Reply to This ]

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