THE FOLLOWING will be a very confusing poem. line and stanza wise it wont make much sense but give me a second to explain. while driving i noticed how many cars were heading in different directions each with a person dealing with their own issues and having their own thoughts. who knows whats going on with that coffee shop guy. or that girl you think is hot. everyone has problems. everyone has something going on in their head.
mindless chatter suggesting MURDER.
an infant cries cause mothers dead.
"i saw my wife with the guy next door"
did you hear what the priest just said?
dad can you help me with my homework
did you see how fat she is
i played with sparky at the park
your husbands dead? my condelences
the museum tour was awfully boring
i bought a brand new rainbow fish
just drink some water it will be fine
we heard our dad call mom a bitch
my brain, it hurts. feels like a million pieces
youre sick! AGAIN? im not surprised
what time are we meeting at the zoo?
I think this is really interesting. and. I know it like.. isn't set to a certian story line but. it does make sense according to the idea that everyone has something different going on in their heads and so many different problems. I really like this. it made me think of like.. a movie.. with someone just going crazy.. seeing all this at once.. ya know? or maybe I'm just tarted. newho. I thought this was really interesting and thought provoking. it grabbed my attention. It's great...
So many thoughts running through our heads! Most pretty boring and mundane. I used to kid with my mom that I wasn't drinking alone I invited my other personalities! he he he Good! Love,Peace,Joy~Feel,Experience,BE! tif
Well, this is an interesting thought - rather mystical really, but it lacks two things. The first is the blood and sweat needed to hammer the collection of words into a poem. Put crisply, this needs the rework of poring over each word to provoke the most powerful imagery, rhythm, and alliteration possible - not to mention spell-checking and other signs that you truly care about your writing. You should care, because you have the seed of something very good here. Second, you need an introductory stanza that establishes the scene - not an extraneous commentary that says, "Hey, this is what this poem is about." I hope you do rework the poem. I'm reminded of two poets. Sandburg was one, and I forget the other, who was known for writing between 100 and 200 lines PER DAY. Sandburg sometimes took years of occasional rework to perfect his verses. That's why I remember his name, but not the other "flash in the pan" of the latter 19th. century. Good poetry takes work and rework, as much as talent. Again, I hope you spend some time with this poem, fred
Oh my god I am loving this, so simple yet complex a truly god write. i like how you got into everyone's mind breaking down their thoughts and feelings. Very well done.
this is so simple and it just describes the world i think that you succeeded in this poem, i love it. i especially like the first paragraph i dont think you needed the intro the poem it was clear when i was reading it i looked at the people around me and it made me feel quite selfish! it sends a good message.
Submission Name: MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES
