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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ball globe and elastic chainsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: x-ianhoyskolt
    ASL Info:    25/male/new zealand
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 206/219/61
    Words: 389
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1516
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2739



    Description:
       My first taste and experience of KL - Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia and I guess a profound delight in finally getting on my nomadic wandering shoes again. The gipsy crystal blinked at me and I am never as alive as I am .. in these moments .. when aliens embrace an alien. I am not a tourist .. I am never a tourist .. I am the nomad mythical magi apprentise ..the one who never found his guide. ..the one who reads the scattered remains .. of footprints and whispers .. in the sutures of dried up leaves ..

    (aoteroa is the native name for New Zealand)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots Ball globe and elastic chainsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    4th time around the ball-globe
    (ball globe and elastic chains)*

    Still hazed and laced,
    joints creaking against
    stagnation.
    The cracked pilot
    warns of the death penalty
    for drug peddling,

    Bilingually in dutch and english,
    to drive the point home.

    The aussies had tested
    my bags and clothes
    for explosive traces,
    So I felt slightly clean
    or at least brushed and rinsed.

    In the lobby of this polished hotel
    I was allowed to smoke my ciggie,
    said the guard with the gun,
    Habit made me stray outside
    for some breath of damp KL air.

    My lungs feel soaked
    in humid resin,
    heavy from the 'free' clouds
    of my aoteroan-norwegian
    homeland.
    Surface embalmed
    in aromatic oils and steam
    the skin is slowly
    releasing decades of toxins
    in deep reflective sleep.

    The green vine
    on my white table
    has no flowers now,
    no elusive crown .

    The square vase
    has soft corners,
    rope-vines twist
    in right-handed coils.

    The roots are cut off,
    still in natures soil.
    The end is sharp and twisted,
    sitting in a bed
    of uni-coloured
    purple crystals.

    The Hollywood vision
    of the KL twin towers,
    carried by the pasted-on wit
    of the likes of Sean Connery,
    is Banned
    in all of Malaysia.

    The KL towers are free
    of cost,
    only restricted in numbers
    of heads,
    standing like a harmonic
    contrast to the fallen towers
    in a predominantly Muslim land.

    It's not that they
    are Muslims,
    my taxi driver exclaims,
    It's that they're Arabs -
    Arabs like to fight

    It's not that they
    are Christians,
    I counter in tune,
    It's that they're Aryans -
    Aryans like to bully

    They like to fuel the fight,
    Hospitalize the crystal Hero,
    Decapitate the noble soldier,
    Let the cycle run
    on a diet of uppers and downers.

    If they Heal
    they might shake hands.
    If they wake up
    they might shake hands.

    ....can't have that ...

    I shook his hand
    under the embroided sky
    of the sterile eye.
    In the shade of my global breath
    we sat like Two Minds.

    Man was waiting
    on a Mannequin
    In the sunlight
    of dotted lines




    Submitted on 2005-12-07 03:31:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think the reason I had to fav this, apart from the subject matter of course, was because of the concise writing and the vivid, lyrical intensity of your settings. There are also, as has been noted, some very distinct parts in both theme and setting (the airport/the hotel room/the taxi) to this poem, and each alteration brings with it a subtle tonal shift, fitting the generic conventions of travel writing perfectly.
    To begin at the beginning, I am not entirely sure of the significance of the title and the first stanza but they suggest to me the idea of the world’s 2billion people being essentially different but linked, for convenience sake, into different sub-groups and groups. It also brings to the fore the idea of beaucracy and conditioning that becomes a major part of your write, distilled beautifully in your last lines:

    In the sunlight
    of dotted lines

    I love the way the opening and the end are linked. It really gives a strong closure and that, I think, makes the poem more resonant.
    The next two stanzas are fantastic, my favourite line is:

    Joints creaking against
    stagnation

    I adore it for two reasons, firstly the concise way in which he words themselves conjure up the idea of aching muscles, secondly, the confident collocation, by ending the first line on against we feel the line stretching as the joints would.
    I’m not sure what you were trying to achieve in the phrase ‘the cracked pilot’. It suggested to me, not only someone’s voice being worn and tired, but also someone who is high on crack, and therefore the hypocrisy of the system. Is this what you were intending? I like how you mention him warning you:

    Bilingually in dutch and english,
    to drive the point home.

    It gives a very vivid picture of the setting. I like how you say about the Australians searching you for explosives, it shows their strong, authoritarian checkpoints too and thereby establishes the equal validity of both countries.

    Now, we shift to the hotel room.

    If there was one stanza I was unsure of it was:

    In the lobby of this polished hotel
    I was allowed to smoke my ciggie,
    said the guard with the gun,
    Habit made me stray outside
    for some breath of damp KL air.

    It looks and reads more dense than the other stanzas, and I think I’d try to condense it so it is more in keeping with your other more concise stanzas, perhaps, something like:

    Though the guard
    with the gun said,
    I was allowed to smoke my ciggie
    in this polished hotel’s lobby
    habit made me stray outside
    for some breath of damp KL air.

    By breaking the first line on the first G the reader is more aware of the effect you are trying to achieve with the alliteration here.
    My favourite line of the whole poem is:

    My lungs feel soaked
    in humid resin,

    It is so fresh and original. I like this entire stanza, it is very vivid and replete with unique imagery, you seem to have a good knowledge of these alternative practices and covey them beautifully in your work. I must admit to having preferred your Norwegian homeland though. It did, perhaps, lose some of the sonic power, but I liked the simplicity of the line, and the fact that this seemed to hold a lot of patriotic power, and I felt the juxtaposition very effective, perhaps you could have written something like:

    of my aoteroan-norwegian
    homeland

    In the next few stanzas you use colourful and textured images to create a very vivid scene. The intricate detail about the vase means we can really feel that we see it. The lines:

    The square vase
    has soft corners,
    rope-vines twist
    in right-handed coils.

    The roots are cut off,
    still in natures soil.
    The end is sharp and twisted,
    sitting in a bed
    of uni-coloured
    purple crystals.

    I love how you depict the capitalism-free, ultra-theistic society of Malaysia in the next few stanzas and find the lines:

    standing like a harmonic
    contrast to the fallen towers
    in a predominantly Muslim land.

    Beautiful, especially in that you use the word ‘harmonic’ to celebrate them.
    The next few stanzas are very hard to fault as well, I love the way you depict the coalition as Ayrans, bullies who:

    like to fuel the fight,
    Hospitalize the crystal Hero,
    Decapitate the noble soldier,
    Let the cycle run
    on a diet of uppers and downers.

    That sums it all up perfectly. The:

    Let the cycle run
    on a diet of uppers and downers.

    Is particularly resonant. I’ve never heard this before, and it’s so true. If I were to criticise anything it would be that I’d prefer to see the simple ‘said’, rather the more complex ‘exclaimed’ and ‘I counted in tune’. I’d like to see:

    It's not that they
    are Muslims,
    my taxi driver says,
    It's that they're Arabs -
    Arabs like to fight

    It's not that they
    are Christians,
    I say,
    It's that they're Aryans -
    Aryans like to bully

    By not concentrating on the way you explain that’s it’s said, the reader is able to concentrate on what’s said, the emphasis becomes more channelled, and, I think, more powerful. The end is just exquisite and faultless. The more I read this poem, the more I love it.

    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      
    This is such an amazing, focused write Christian, I was there with you the entire time. Not only are you exposing your traveling experiences into uncharted territory, but you are exposing the tensions that keep you walking… I love the way you begin the poem, your fuel for adventure stems from the fear of stagnation:

    Still hazed and laced,
    joints creaking against
    stagnation.

    The paranoia of the powers that be are also vividly portrayed in your experiences in the hotel lobby in the airport….. you made it through you got there. I love how exquisitely you reveal very deep cultural implications in the environmental surroundings in addition to the interactions and the conversations with the people around you, shown In these two stanzas, for example:

    It's not that they
    are Muslims,
    my taxi driver exclaims,
    It's that they're Arabs -
    Arabs like to fight

    It's not that they
    are Christians,
    I counter in tune,
    It's that they're Aryans -
    Aryans like to bully


    Hell yes!

    Like always, this work has some serious political implications, You color in the transitory grays that are normally perceived as stark contrast between the Christian and Arab world.

    I shook his hand
    under the embroided sky
    of the sterile eye.
    In the shade of my global breath
    we sat like Two Minds

    Your building a bridge hear… you are contemplating some sort of ultimatum, some sort of solution … the last stanza is still one I need to further ponder…




    Man was waiting
    on a Mannequin
    In the sunlight
    of dotted lines



    We are still waiting… perhaps one bigot mass consciousness (on both sides) within the global frame is not willing… a mannequin , so to speak… I still need to ponder this I think..



    Anyways, an incredible experience. One of your best writes, I think.,

    I also wanted to add that this poem not only has macro implications, but micro has well.. it really shows who you are, where you’ve been and what keeps you walking…
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      You essentially take the reader on a physical and political journey, from the pilot's mention of the death penelty for drugs to the body check due to anti-terrorism legislation to the hotel and the gun toting guard. A climate of fear seems to have been built up and the best stanzas are the

    It's not that they
    are Muslims,
    my taxi driver exclaims,
    It's that they're Arabs -
    Arabs like to fight

    It's not that they
    are Christians,
    I counter in tune,
    It's that they're Aryans -
    Aryans like to bully

    the double standards if a muslim plants a bomb it's the muslim's if a Christian does its just some nut.
    lol
    nessie
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      I completely agree about the punctuation


    The Hollywood vision
    of the KL twin towers
    carried by the pasted-on wit
    of the likes of Sean Connery
    is Banned
    in all of Malaysia

    This theme could make a poem all by itself. That is what I like about this poem, the are three distinct themes (at least three that stick out in my mind). The first being the preparation before travel, the cleansing before entering the new place, the accomplishment and experience of seeing it. This middle section is my favorite, the reality of the place is conveyed, as opposed to a imaginative caricature. The third theme is that of the real problems that stick out to those who travel by, and the obvious solutions apparent to the pilgrims who pass through.

    If I were you, I would write a poem focusing on each of these three themes, see how you like those, and then return to this one with a more critical eye.

    That probably wasn't a good comment, but it's also the first that I have written.
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by Jushinshin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey,
    It's a long one, isn't it? LOL. No, I like it, full of slightly funny and strong imagery. Loved the third verse...
    The only things, I would really say you could add to it would be punctuation. I know, I probably nag way too much about this on Elite but I think it adds structure and pace to poetry, which for you poem, it needs otherwise, it just rambles off, people losing their way in your words. I don't think I have the strength to go through the whole piece so I'll just pick a few lines to show you what I mean:
    Still hazed and laced
    joints[:] creak[ing] against
    stagnation [while]
    the cracked pilot
    warns of the death penalty
    for drug peddling[...]

    Bilingually (in dutch and english)[,]
    [Just] to drive the point home[.]

    ***
    If they Heal
    they might shake hands[.]
    If they wake up
    they might shake hands

    ([but couldn't] have that)

    I shook his hand
    under the embroided sky
    of the sterile eye [and]
    In the shade of my global breath
    we sat like Two Minds[...]

    Man was waiting
    on a Mannequin[:]
    the sunlight
    of dotted lines[.]

    Hope you know what I mean by this. Thanks for the read.

    JoKing.

    p.s. What does 'aoteroan' mean? Looked it up but wasn't there.
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't have time to critique this now, it's 2 minutes to 12:00 and my appointment finishes at 12:00 but I'll critique it later. It's brilliant and I've added it to my favourites.

    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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