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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ANDY WARHOLdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sweet sorenity
    ASL Info:    24/f/ Ga
    Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 211/221/58
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 716
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 529



    Description:
       YEA I KNOW IT REALLY SUCKS BUT ITS THE BEST I COULD COME UP WITH


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsANDY WARHOLdots
    -------------------------------------------


    paint me a story
    give me a color more beautiful than words

    paint me a story
    with children playin high in the sky

    paint me a story
    give it fairys and santa and unicorns too

    make me giggle like a little girl
    with a little help from you and a few more tings
    i will escape this world

    paint me a story
    my dear dear sir
    give me silver shiney wings
    with fairy queens and elf kings

    paint me a story please




    Submitted on 2005-12-07 18:11:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Actually, this isn't that bad a piece at all. First off, you say paint me a story, which is a perfectly appropriate command, cause well like all paintings in my opinion are stories. they all have something that isnpired the artist to create, or even if there was no motive, you could easily make a story out of most paintings, this is from a guy who falls asleep at the mention of art museums. So i think that line works very well in this piece. and the other lines are kind of cling ons to that, but they seem to work really well.
    I'm getting the impression your titles are, related to your pieces yet not at the same time. Which, now I am starting to think that is a cool thing, like a facet of your personality, anyway i don't think that it should be changed this tume. I think it just fits, even of ot doesn't. I really can't see anything here I would change. later
    Metal Heart74
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Metal Heart74 | [ Reply to This ]
      The spacings and capitolizations need a bit of help in this poem, but the idea of this poem is very good. It started out really well. Maybe a rewrite with some rewording would fix it up a bit. This is a good write however, keep em coming!
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by thetwilight | [ Reply to This ]
      well i think the poem it self has a lot of room to create more and i see more in this / maybie a rewrite wont be a bad thing /if anything i'd paint you the life you need cuz i know someone would do that for me / keep up the writing and just watch the magic grow ./

    Janus
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by J W I | [ Reply to This ]
      you're right it sucks! well... i dunno. is it andy warhol or warhole? is that a play on his name or do i just not know what i'm talking about? i thought he did pop art, not fantasy. oh well. i'm probably wrong about that too.

    anyway, i think the last line shouldn't be capitalized. it's a shout when it could be a pleading whisper. however, that's just my opinion, it depends on what you're going for. it's good, but the kind of story you want (which is i think is what this poem's about: not just escape, but a particular kind of escape) could be elaborated upon.

    couple of typos but better than usual.

    i do like the idea behind the poem, escape through images and imagination, and also the "paint me a story" instead of "tell me a story". i also like the images you portray. i think if you're going for repetition, it's strange that you leave out "paint me a story" in the 4th stanza. a little re-wording could be useful ("my dear dear sir" is something i know you might actually say, but it doesn't flow well... like a douple hop/scotch)...ok i'm done.
    | Posted on 2005-12-07 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]


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