I like this write. And I can most definitely relate to this. Sometimes there is just that special person in your life, your significant other that just makes you feel whole. That makes you feel like you but when they leave, whether through death or whatever, they take a part of you with them and its like you are broken. This is what this poem spoke to me.
I enjoyed the poem on a whole. The only thing I would suggest you change is that last line
There is apathy in my soul where you once filled it with passion. There is an emptiness in my life where you once filled it with—you.
Maybe something like this ' where that was once fillied with...you' or something like that. But thats only a suggestion and you don't have to follow it if you don't want to.
I adore this poem... it really shows the pain of a lost love in a beautiful way. Although... I know you weren't trying to rhyme, but the transition between free verse and using the same ending words does kind of throw off the flow of the poem -- but it's still quite beautiful and very well written.
I don't know, i think i was talking about when you were using the same words over again at the end of the lines, my fault. Like on "There is silence in the echo Where your voice should be. Blank lines on the page Where your words should be." My mistake, i have no clue what i waas thinking about. So yeah, thanks for the comment on To Be Pregnant. I am going to revise it, but i'm going to ait a while first.
You really threw me off when you said "There is a shadow in my eyes where i used to hold your light. Ignorance in my mind where i used to hold your wisdom." It really threw me off, because it seems as if you were having your poem with rhyming and it really threw me off. When i got used to you doing freeverse, you started a verse with a rhyme again. i don't know if you were trying to rhyme of not.
This is a reaaly emotional write I may be wrong but I believe you were referring to a lost love that has left you I hope you can move on and take the positive energy you learned from this relationship and let it carry you to a new and better life God Bless Ron
hey real good stuff u got there i luike the contrast when u say There is a silence in the echo where your voice should be There is a shadow in my eyes where I used to hold your light. Ignorance in my mind where I used to hold your wisdom real good like it... anyways check out my stuff esp so long,take care and untitle,womed and as we know it
Can I relate? Yes, I think I can. Wonderfully done girl. The first stanza is definitely my favorite! Some of the lines were kind of weird to me, but overall, beautiful? Is this person a junior boy about 6 feet tall, blonde hair, and full of trivia? Lol. Ttys. Hannah
You have some really good lines in this piece. I've said this before, but in our time it's hard not to be cliché, especially when writing about love, but you have some original phrases mixed with common themes with new twists. I enjoyed the read. Nicely
Nicely written, and with a deep meaning of loss in your words and that is not always easy to understand but all people hurt just in different ways and you did a great job expressing the way you feel inside keep up the good writing and I am sure to read more of your work, a very good poem here really liked it alot
*nods* Yep, It's decided. I like this write, I like it alot. First and foremost, the obvious: I cannot find a single spelling, punctuation or other grammatical error in this piece. The imagry is flawless, and the flow leaves nothing to be desired. Now.. down to business..
"There is apathy in my soul where you once filled it with passion. There is an emptiness in my life where you once filled it with—you. "
The entire peice is excellent, but this stanza, to me, stands out among all others, and has earned the coveted "Vampirism's Favorite Stanza" title. I think at some point in our lives we have all been to this place.. it is absolutely no fun whatsoever when you lose someone near and dear to your heart, because it does indeed leave you feeling empty and hollow. Where you decide to go from there is what will set you aside from everyone else. Will you go on? Will you try to fill the void? How long can it be filled? Will it be a bad decision?
At first glance, it appears that. of course, you are speaking to another person, another made of flesh and blood. However, I cannot help but to wonder if perhaps the person you speak to cannot be seen at all? Perhaps a memory? Loss of a childhood and innocence due to being forced to grow up too fast? Or maybe even love; not "A" love, but love, period; the emotion.
I do enjoy pieces that leave me wondering like that, and this one has done a very good job of it. This is definately going on my favorites list, and I will certainly be reading more of your work in the future.
Again, excellent work, keep it up. I would not change a single word in this piece.