Description: during the line "to see if the sky would fall" the montior broke and i had to wake up my cat who was asleep on my lap in order to carry the broken moniter to my dad's room and then carry back the good one, which i am using now.
i think i killed my cat! -------------------------------------------
i think i killed my cat
i hit it with a bat
the bat came down and hit his head
it sent him straight through the bed
i started to cry
my face did i hide
i never got to say why
i beat his hide
or why i threw him across the room
but it was kidda funny when he went boom
it may sound cruel to you
it does to me
you may want to sue
i will curse you into a bee
you might say "what the heck"
if you do, i will squish you into a deck
i'm not trying to be mean
but you won't be peachy keen
i'll send you running away
and i'll find someone else to play
my cat's name is gibbs
and i won't tell no fibs
in the neck he is a pain
because he don't got a brain
he ran into a wall
to see if the sky would fall
then my cat walked through the door
my jaw went through the floor
i had killed a cat
weilding a bat
but the cat wasn't mine
it was the cat from room nine
oops!
I'm back again - I just read that you wanted "thoughts" and so I thought of a couple of small things that might help with this poem.
"i will curse you into a bee" - try "but i will curse you into a bee" and see what you think ... or even a "flea" (mostly because I think a flea is funnier and for no other reason).
"if you do, i will squish you into a deck" - maybe instead try "if you do, i will squish you into the deck" or "if you do, i will squish you into a speck"
"because he don't got a brain" - see how this sounds instead "because he don't have a brain" or "because he hasn't got a brain" or "because he doesn't use his brain"
LOL! Kiet, "i think i killed my cat!" is really good. Hell of a funny write - a bit cruel though (might want to rethink some of that).
re the rhyme - I wouldn't worry too much about it - you only broke the rhyme scheme in one place. But if it does bother you, you could always break those 4 lines into a separate stanza (but you might lose the fast pace to it). Frankly, I liked the lines: "it may sound cruel to you it does to me"
And it was a great ending! I'm FAVing this for sheer contentious comedy :)
Cheers, ~TD
ps I just found a very old poem I wrote for primary school - it is of course no where near as good as yours (sheesh, I was barely out of nappies), but it was weird that I just mentioned it in my journal and then read your poem, both of which have a similar gruesome yet comical tone to it :)
i thought it could've been alot funnier, the rhyming needs more wit and less cheese. the poem is cruel and i hope there aren't any animal rights activists on this site. but if the rhyming is flawless and clever it will turn your animal cruelty into light hearted humor. and to be completely honest, i don't feel light hearted after this poem.
LMAO! That was good, as cruel as parts of it were, it was hilarious. Poor kitty, lol.
I only have one suggestion to improove it a little; make parts of it rhyme a little better. In some places you did it every other line rhymed, then two rhymed. It's really confusing and it takes attention away from the poor kitty.
All in all good write and I hope you make sure who's cat it is next time. Just don't come after mine! :P
Submission Name: i think i killed my cat!
