Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Please Know I Trydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flamequill
    ASL Info:    17/Male/Sparta Michigan
    Elite Ratio:    3.42 - 77/97/35
    Words: 251
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 708
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1594



    Description:
       Modified Sestina format, tell me what you think. And know this isn't a girl like guy thing, it's a I-feel-like-shit-cuz-I-can't-help-my-friends thing ok

    Enjoy and if you don't I'll kick your puny pewter ass


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPlease Know I Trydots
    -------------------------------------------


    You call me
    to get advice
    yet you know I can't
    There's no words when you call
    and I know I can't help
    I can't do what you expect

    but please know I try

    I'm not what you expect
    Forgive me
    I know I can't ever help
    you must know that when you call
    I try to give advice
    but inexpierienced I am, so I can't

    but please no I try

    I try to help you, but I can't
    I try to save you when you call
    but my weakness confounds me
    I know I'm not what you expect
    so I tell you your advice
    and I know it won't help

    but please know I try

    Know I always try to help
    even though I know I can't
    you know I try everytime you call
    but I know it's not what you expect
    I always try to give you advice
    please, my friend, forgive me

    but please know I try

    If you ever could forgive me
    sometimes I feel you can't
    because I'm not what you expect
    you know this everytime call,
    everytime you want me to help
    and everytime you need advice

    sometimes I don't want to try

    Why do you expect advice
    when you know I can't help
    I can't live up to what you expect
    even though I try, I can't
    My brother, forgive me!
    and maybe another day, you could call

    But please know I try




    Submitted on 2005-12-08 11:05:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Between the first and second stanza it seems like an emotional shift...what caused it? Like the reverse verb in the 2nd Stanza, very Yoda like. The second Please no I try, is either spelled or puncuated wrongly. This is touching, especially to know who it is about, which I DO KNOW! Overall your getting much better Paco. Also your advice isn't as bad as you think.
    | Posted on 2006-01-04 00:00:00 | by Mr.Mentor | [ Reply to This ]
      Pascual,
    I think this poem is choppy and lacks any emotion. The redundancy of the poem is intended to create an effect, but instead the poem gets very flat by the third stanza. This poem didn't really evoke any feelings thought the situation is very common. I think this piece could be developed into a decent poem but it is far too simple to make it interesting. Nice try.
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by BloodStainedLet | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem brought tears to my eyes, it really did. I can really, really relate to this poem, so much that it's scary, lol. This is one of my favorite favorites, lol. Great write!
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      I have a friend at work that is going through some very difficult times and I feel like that when I talk to him or try to help - I don't know that there is anything right now that will help him feel better and there's nothing I can do about that.
    It does suck but when they are ready they will be helped and you try and that's all one can do.
    Love,Peace,Joy~Know,Experience,BE~~~
    tif
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece was too literal for me. Maybe others will find something in it. It just feels long and drawn out, maybe if you cut it down a bit and made it tighter, short and sweet kindathing, it might help.

    Peace Out
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece was too literal for me. Maybe others will find something in it. It just feels long and drawn out, maybe if you cut it down a bit and made it tighter, short and sweet kindathing, it might help.

    Peace Out
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    83745

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry