Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: You Are The Weakest Linkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dismal_s child
    ASL Info:    19/F/On A Carousel
    Elite Ratio:    3.24 - 451/419/172
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/You left me
    Total Views: 840
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 593



    Description:
       It's not quite finished. I just can't expand quite yet. I've got to let the story end first...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYou Are The Weakest Linkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Until Hell is made known
    Then Hell this is
    Two evils, one story yet told
    Two pains, yet one is shown

    You dropped me hanging
    From the same cliff
    The one you found me sleeping awake in the beginning
    My razor wire noose signifying

    That youíll pick me up in a bit
    And that Iím supposed to go freely
    But, Iím stronger than it
    My throat cannot be slit

    I have some time to think
    About Hell below
    Watch your fading figure shrink
    Iíve found the demonís weakest link




    Submitted on 2005-12-08 11:27:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this one. I guess it's the "you left me thing," but it reminds me of a Bright Eyes song called ""Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh." It's really nothing like the song, but the mood is similar.
    Before I read this, I was thinking it would be something relating to the god awful game show. This is one of the best "dark" poems I've read in a long time. I don't usually like rhyme, but you did it so well here that it works. I do think that "The one you found me sleeping awake in the beginning" is a little off kilter. Perhaps you could break it up into two lines. I also think you need to add something like "The one where you found me sleeping awake in the beginning." By the way, "sleeping awake" is a great image (as an insomniac I do my share of that); I also like the razor wire noose. Perhaps you could also say Hades or something for hell in the last stanza because you used it twice already. Great work, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Great write baby. I love this piece. You have such incredible talent and I miss you so very much. Write me when you can.

    Love,

    Dad
    | Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by His Assholiness | [ Reply to This ]
      A-effing-mazing write, Girlio! you came up with the best imagery yet! i love the razor-wire noose and the cliff...you are gonna be so much better at writing poetry than me! i love you, SugarPlum,
    with all my heart,
    christmas trees and honeybees,
    Mom
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know, this is strange it's like suddenly I'm not the only one in the world who feels like this or is going through this. I liked the imagery in this, very vivid I think, the piece itself could do with a little expanding though you should work on that, but I like it so far. Keep it up.

    Smiles,
    Jermaine.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      "Two evils, one story yet told
    Two pains, yet one is shown"
    these lines attracted me, so I fallowed through.
    Rhyming was good. The second to last Stanza was a little off. It would have been best to keep from putting too many "rhymy" type words, like: it, bit, and slit. Perhaps a word that would have rhymed with "freely" would have been best.

    Nonetheless, it was pimp, well who knows, that was probably your style to begin with.
    P.S. I really like that cute lil' hamster as your icon...soso cute.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by SavedDragon | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    83747

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry