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Cabalistic Limbo


Author: mrmundane
ASL Info:    20/m/vancouver bc
Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 47 /96 /78
Words: 254
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1099
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1524



Description:


I'm looking for, just whether you think it's written well or not, and what I can do differently if you have problems with it...

I wrote this because I suffer from an illness (chronic fatigue immune disfunction syndrome)... and It really makes you feel very alone, since few people can understand, and I can rarely get out of the house and enjoy myself without paying for it health-wise... most of my friends have ditched me, and the ones I do have I rarely see. It's mostly about the loneliness I feel, and how even the people in my family I am close to don't even understand what it's like... and yeah... it's pretty complicated.


Cabalistic Limbo



In this cage, I fear for myself
The one I think that I am
Who I'm nothing without
But lies and deceit cannot deceive God's great plan
From the moment I wake I forget who I am
The past should be past but the present is bland
The shell I've become of a person I can't stand
For this, I fear, makes me a fake
A shell, a skin, hollowed flesh lucidly awake
Which stalks the Earth like a ghost; intangibly vague
And all that which accompanies such a mysterious plague
So I lay, forlorn and without a choice; evanescently
Unable to trust but the gentlest voice.
All in all it feels unjust. It fills me with hesitance, an imbued distrust
For it is not my fault I have lost all but my pride
Even which, there is but a shrivelling morsel I will hold 'till the day I've completely died
There are things in life that are just unaccounted for
When push comes to shove, you fall to the floor
So begrudgingly I sit; counting the days
As these lives seamlessly wash by...
The occasional puncture given shamelessly, but I've used up the tears to cry.
I imagine love never held and it becomes as real as memory.
And while I sleep below the darkest cloud: looming over me
I wonder what life would be like if it were not such tragedy
The people I love don't even know me
And so it is this and this is why, I will bleed eternally.




Submitted on 2005-12-08 12:13:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Ok Mr Mundane, this is what I think! I thought that since I have decided to put you on my stalker list that I should go back and read all your work from the beginning.

Wow, I am so glad that i did! What makes this piece so amazing? Because it is completely your souls words honest and raw that have created it.

People may not completely understand your illness but everyone has their scars that they carry that makes them feel lonely.

The only advice I would give, is to have a look at the presentation, take on board the above comments.

What more can I say I am looking forward to reading the rest x
| Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by sunraybutterfly | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm so very sorry to hear about your syndrome. loneliness is a horrible thing..and I truely do hope things won't always be so bad for you. .. so.. about the poem.. it's wonderful. I love the words you use..my favorite part is:

The shell I've become of a person I can't stand
For this I fear makes me a fake
A shell, a skin, hollowed flesh lucidly awake
which stalks the earth like a ghost; intangibly vague.


and I love the ending.. it's wonderful. I think it's strange how some of the most beautiful poetry comes from such sadness. I'll have to look at some more of your stuff.
| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by MyKemicalfailur | [ Reply to This ]
  Mr mundane, you're breaking my heart.
This poem was just amazing.
I don't exactly follow a god so I can't really relate to that thought, but I loved this poem. You have a talent for writing. So, yes, it is extremely well written.
Never Stop Writing
-Caribou-
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  Let me catch my breath...

The intensity of this piece is insane! I don't understand Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, but even wihtout the description this is an insanely heavy piece.

The only thing I might change is the cliché of the [censored] hitting the fan. The rest of this is so internal, and maybe that's the only way to express that event, but maybe something more personal, less communal?

I have to agree with Jennifer about the commas, they are a bit distracting, and for a piece this emotionally packed you don;t want any distractions. (My rule of thumb: if you want the reader to pause in the middle of a line, use a comma.)

I also stumbled a bit on the looking 'forward for' part. I would try to find a rhyme that doesn't repeat the same word.

You have and amazing piece here. It's a tragedy that it has to be reality instead of fiction.

Take Care,
(I always say that, but it sounds trite right now :( )

Chell

P.S.I see you live in Vancouver. Is that Washington Or B.C.?
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
  the words you used here are so rich. They arnt a qucik read- you really have to let them sink in.
Even though you think that people cant relate, they can more then you think.
I dont have a illness, that I know of, but that didnt stop me from being a reject, cutter & throughly depressed.
So these words really hit me hard.
For a few year I stayed inside, I burried myself in my school & my few hobbies. Then, I got out again .. everything was going fine then it all came crashing down again.
It always does.

So, these words really touched me.
I am sorry that you have felt them too.

I think that this was very well written, my only suggestion would be to loose some of the coma's.
Most people think that you need one at the end of each line, but you dont.
Look at it as if you were talking, only put them when you need a pause.
It is breaking up the poem a little too much.
Other then that, well done.
Your words left your reader to think & try to grasp the feelings coming from each line.
The end trailed off then ended in the same sorrow that it started.
take care & keep smiling.
I hope that writting will help you, it does me.
~jennifer
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]


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