Description: I know that what I want to say is clear in that piece and I'm really satified to write that one. I wanted to tell my faincee that the days I will be alive, will be all for her pleasure and happiness and asking her " when will she get rid of her shyness which is making me unsure of her love? ". I hope you will all like it.
Veils of Shyness -------------------------------------------
I am all eager to find out
What are you storing for me
In that kind and innocent heart.
Do you love me as I do...
I am all eager to check out
Will you be silent for so long..
When will you say ....
" I love you. "
I am all eager to know
Are you going to hide your
Sweet and true feelings
Towards me for so long...
When'll you get this
Veils of shyness aside.
I am all eager to explore...
If I'm going to live for long.
I feel that my days in life
Are like the roses age.
But all I'm sure of that
I'll be here, standing and
Loving you...
It sounds innocent and childish in places, but sweetly impish in others. Play that up-keep her guessing a bit like she's keeping you guessing. It makes the game much more fun and the results much more satisfying in the end. A good beginning... - Lazy Spleen
I won't get on you bout the spellin becuase for one, you did type it and typing errors aren't very rare so Im sure you know how to spell...no big deal lol...I like it though...You seem really passionate about your feelings but also hesitant and kinda nervous alltogether which Ive dealt with on more than one occasion. Good to go lol...I enjoyed it, keep it up
there were some grammatical errors and i think you meant "eager" instead of "egar", but other than that it was good. i think a little more organization would have helped me stay focused while reading. not neccessarily writing in a pattern or structure of any particular kind, because love can be pretty scattered and ambiguous at times and writing a poem fashioned after that feeling can be beneficial to your purpose. but the reader also doesn't want to feel completely confused. all in all i think you got your point across.
Submission Name: Veils of Shyness
