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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Veils of Shynessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 125
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 648
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 742



    Description:
       I know that what I want to say is clear in that piece and I'm really satified to write that one. I wanted to tell my faincee that the days I will be alive, will be all for her pleasure and happiness and asking her " when will she get rid of her shyness which is making me unsure of her love? ". I hope you will all like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVeils of Shynessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am all eager to find out
    What are you storing for me
    In that kind and innocent heart.
    Do you love me as I do...

    I am all eager to check out
    Will you be silent for so long..
    When will you say ....
    " I love you. "

    I am all eager to know
    Are you going to hide your
    Sweet and true feelings
    Towards me for so long...
    When'll you get this
    Veils of shyness aside.

    I am all eager to explore...
    If I'm going to live for long.
    I feel that my days in life
    Are like the roses age.
    But all I'm sure of that
    I'll be here, standing and
    Loving you...




    Submitted on 2005-12-08 12:35:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey there this is so sweet. I really like the innocence of this piece.
    You have to show it to her, she will love it.
    Well done
    With love shabnam
    | Posted on 2006-02-24 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      It sounds innocent and childish in places, but sweetly impish in others. Play that up-keep her guessing a bit like she's keeping you guessing. It makes the game much more fun and the results much more satisfying in the end. A good beginning... - Lazy Spleen
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      I won't get on you bout the spellin becuase for one, you did type it and typing errors aren't very rare so Im sure you know how to spell...no big deal lol...I like it though...You seem really passionate about your feelings but also hesitant and kinda nervous alltogether which Ive dealt with on more than one occasion. Good to go lol...I enjoyed it, keep it up
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by PrettyRicki | [ Reply to This ]
      there were some grammatical errors and i think you meant "eager" instead of "egar", but other than that it was good. i think a little more organization would have helped me stay focused while reading. not neccessarily writing in a pattern or structure of any particular kind, because love can be pretty scattered and ambiguous at times and writing a poem fashioned after that feeling can be beneficial to your purpose. but the reader also doesn't want to feel completely confused. all in all i think you got your point across.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by wherRutakingME | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice way to express your devotion. Wanting to share your love, but hesitant because of her shyness.

    I thought I'd mention a couple things;

    Egar is spelled Eager and when'll is a tough contraction. It would read better as when will or just drop the when.

    Just a couple suggestions...

    Very nice. I bet she'll love it!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]


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    83755

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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