This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Humanity Syndrome


Author: mrmundane
ASL Info:    20/m/vancouver bc
Elite Ratio:    2.4 - 47 /96 /78
Words: 320
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 880
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1930



Description:


Hey, I'd like any feedback you can give me, negative or not! otherwise what's the point of criticism hmmm??? ...


Humanity Syndrome



T'was it not dost bane which cast the blame
upon the room in which the sinned are slain?
I sought revenge, but this?
... too much, Sir, why such mess?!
I take no bliss in this, no bliss!
what you have given me is a fiery dragons kiss!

... I shall bid you conge
and dare you ask what conge should mean,
I shall tell you that it is as you've seen.
A request I make, to depart this scene,
of which I too, as you, took part the blame.
The officers of law shall ride my trail
and it is I alone who can end this tale.
This game's become much too rough, Sir,
too rough, for this squirrely squire's concience is far from tough!

I shall run, I shall hide, oh...
but where is the pride?
To go on in fear?
Or to drink every drop of the warming-est beer?
I shall rest and I will think,
a disguise as a bum and a forbidable stink!

Low shall I lay, 'till three winters away.
Gather my senses, and be on with the mendses! ...
somewhere new;
very far and askew...
of those who'd be gritting their teeth to throw me in the mew!

Then so shall I lay, 'till a day in early, or late May,
when I shall leave my assumed identity and rejoin with the collective amenities...
and to those of the future and of the past,
i empty a flask,
into mine gullet,
ultra-fast.

To those passersby who think the lesser of me,
for shame on you if you should shame on me.
Have not you too been afflicted with such an affliction,
as the humanity syndrome I have so forgiven?

Forgiven or not,
what hits the spot shall hit the spot,
I shall see this pot to it's very bottom,
whether you like it,
or not.




Submitted on 2005-12-08 12:40:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Although I can see where the othe comments are coming from. I am sure that you were not intentionally set out to write a shakesprian poem it just came out that way?

I love this it shows the diversity of your talent which is always interesting.

The layout and structure of this poem is much better. This contributes to the flow and gives the reader time to think, even if it is to picture squirrel's reading shakespear :0)



| Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by sunraybutterfly | [ Reply to This ]
  hehehehe you said "squirrely squire."
Okay, moving on...(hehehe)...Sorry, it's still funny...
I'm trying to get to a critique! I am, I promise!
But I liked this, not as much as your other piece, but I liked this a lot.
Although I agree with Lazy Spleen in that there are some un-Shakespearian words, but so what?
I idolize Shakespeare, but you're modernizing him and there's nothing wrong with that! :)
Keep Writing
-Caribou-
p.s. it's still silly! (yes, I am very easily amused - but can't you just see this little squirrel running around in squire clothes and reciting some Shakespeare???)
| Posted on 2005-12-09 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
  Very clever use of Old English for a very modern theme. I thought you should sustain that feel throughout, and that was compromised when you said "ultra-fast." You'd never find that phrase in Shakespeare. What's more, some of your rhymes felt forced for the sake of rhyme itself. The best parts were lyrical and alliterative. I think you should seek opportunities to use more alliteration and that would improve the piece. And excise any "modern" language which compromises the continuity of the piece. Thanks for sharing, this was most pleasant. -Lazy Spleen
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



83756