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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: illusion ( a triolet)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1050
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 681



    Description:
       this is my last triolet
    I have posted a second verse
    hope it makes the subject clearer
    I really won't inflict any more on the world


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsillusion ( a triolet)dots
    -------------------------------------------



    I see you in the darkening glass
    My reflection is beside you
    I know the pain of love will pass

    I see you in the darkening glass
    You stand alone in waving grass
    Your heart's a stone inside you
    I see you in the darkening glass
    My reflection is beside you


    I see you in the evening gloom
    I'm inside out just watching you
    In dark reflection of my room

    I see you in the evening gloom
    You stand there on the brink of doom
    My image is beside you too
    I see you in the evening gloom
    I'm inside out just watching you





    Submitted on 2005-12-08 14:38:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is very interesting
    I have never seen a poem done like this
    I will definately be looking at this style of writing a little closer as i like it
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I've gone throgh this several times and enjoyed it. I do not see any difficulty between the form and content. I think it works well.

    I actually feel the form and repetition fit the images of reflections.

    My only suggestion is very small.

    From
    In dark reflections of my room

    to maybe
    In dark reflection of my room

    I think this might keep the reader in the flow without wondering about what else is reflected in the room.

    Nice job!

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I struggled with one triolet for a time and finally came up with one,-I think it was about snowflakes-(I may have deleted it though lol)I know how hard it is to follow a form and also at the same time, try to express some real emotion. This follows the form, but I think the subject matter is to heavy for this form, I liked the theme, and think it would be dynamite in a different form ,-I think triolets are best for simple, lighter themes. All in all though, this is good, and i wouldn't give up on trying the form, -but do consider rewriting this idea in a different form. I think you will be pleased.
    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      The problem with classical forms is the restrictions they impose on pure thought; no one (to my knowledge) thinks in sestinas, sonnets or triolets, so the paring of ideas to fit the form can often alter the intent of the piece. That being said, there is something here that's very nice but not quite complete. As the other post suggested, perhaps a series of triolets might get the point across more forcefully (and allow the reader the privelege of knowing where the poem's relationship will go). Is the illusion alluded to in the poem the sense of affection being returned by the wounded soul with the stony heart? Only a lengthier write will reveal the end of the tale. Nicely done, keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice triolet! I am wondering what the darkening glass is... just my curiosity :)

    This is a well written triolet, and I know how difficult they can be, I actually wrote one on another site. This one has good form, nice rhyme, and flows very smoothly. I think my favorite line from it is:

    Your heart's a stone inside you

    My question is this... have you considered adding another stanza to this one? perhaps to make it more clear? I think I understand that you are standing with someone that feels like they are all alone, and you are letting them know that you are right there with them, but I can't be sure. Perhaps if you added one more stanza, it would make your message a little more precise. Of course, that is just my suggestion.

    Overall, I would say, very nicely done!
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by ladiestorm | [ Reply to This ]
      Not bad, not bad. You shouldn't give up on triolets. They seem to work well for you. They seem to be buried within you somewhere and raging to get out. Express yourself as well as you have here and there will be many fine triolet to come, I wager. Thanks for sharing - Lazy Spleen
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the imagery and the metaphors. good job! :D

    P.S. I doubt it'll be your last triolet. haha.
    | Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by mrmundane | [ Reply to This ]


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