Description: This poem is dedicated to my father. Its not what he did its what he didnt do for me. I still love him all though the poem is a bit nasty. i dont think its done yet, i need to working on the last line, and maybe add more to the story line or something...i dunno, any ideas? feel free to speak up.
look i added a picture! might finish this tonight! the correct way. <3 :-D1010408
Feedback is appriciated.
To My Father -------------------------------------------
To My Father
i have watched you as you pass by
in the right side of my logical mind
sparing not a whisper or a reply
to what has left me so confined
travel through the passage and you will find
the reason why i do not like time
and just why it is that my mind
has committed this speachless crime
you offer no sanctuary from the pain
that "they" force feed me every day
or a single word of salvation to explain
why it is that i am portrayed this way
they took my face and smeared in the shit
as i stared deep into your own eyes
it seems as if you wanted them to do it
but it comes as no shocking suprise
the lies you told me as i was young
that were ment to cradle, and teach
only taught me the dangers of tounge
and what i can not hold within my reach
so gather up your cards and keep
your expectancy for me, then feed
and bury your lifes worth down deep
for i just wasnt set to suceed
I enjoyed your poem and I wanted to say, I really liked the line,
"i have watched you as you pass by
in the right side of my logical mind..."
Also, I loved those last two verses. And in the verse before last, I liked the wording in "dangers of tounge". I thought the wording was creative, as opposed to cliché, and I appreciated that.
I also wanted to note that I see you kept a steady rhythm and rhyme scheme. That's a skill that I have a bit of trouble with sometimes. At times, I seem to have a bit of a flow- not saying that I have a particular pattern (I normally don't), but it seems to pick up a rhythm sometimes- but then it veers off and changes, so sometimes my poems are unsteady and don't flow well. I don't mind not having a particular rhyme scheme or even not rhyming, but I like things to have a nice flow, you know? It's something I need to work on, but yours has a nice flow, so the sound is better and it is more enjoyable to read.
As I see, you did A,B,A,B at the end of the lines. In other words, the end of line one, rhymes with the end of line three, and the end of line two with line four. On the second verse, I believe it was, you still did A,B,A,B, but this time the A's and B's all sort of rhymed. I think the A's rhymed best with one another and the B's best with one another, but they all sort of rhymed. So, while it was A,B,A,B it was sort of A,A,A,A. It still had a rhythm, though, and altogether the rhyme scheme was smooth. Also, you had a powerful start and a powerful finish, which I think are important because that is where you draw someone in, and what you really leave them with.
I wanted you to know that I not only enjoyed this, but related to it. I'm sorry about your father. I have similar issues with mine. It isn't what he DID, as you said, but what he did not do.
there are alot of emotions here. I think the worst thing is when a parent leaves you on your own. It's amazing how much lies really do hurt. You put all your faith into them & they drop you. There was just so much pain here.
As far as the last line, I think that it was well ended. Possibly a little bit of re-wording in the begining, but whatever works. It is really hard to critique this.
I think that you have gone through alot, I am sorry that you had to. I don't care who you are, no one deserves that. well writen, I could feel it take care ~jennifer
its seems as if you have been hurt very badly in this poem. someone fed you lies you believed them and then you realized that they were not true. you needed someone to help but no one was there or they were and just didnt want to help. its just written so wonderfully tho. i know i could feel torment in this write and im sure others could to. im sorry that im rambling so ill just leave you. -brandon
very angry. well written but not optimistic at all. i do like this poem but lately ive been really angry and im starting to realize you have to forgive every now and then or else youll be left with aboslutely noone. but sometimes people are just SO WRONG! and its hard to forgive someone who is wrong and probably not even sorry. im rambling... sorry the poem was good.
Wow Siroez I have to agree with you on the part about this pome not being complete. I think you should address the issue a bit more. Sounds like your father lied many times and then sent you away for others to feed you likes I cannot imagine. You read my pome Detention, Which has brought me here I was curious, especially at the name of your pome. You summed up I think a bit rather fast. However your delivery was great. Your lines are smooth and well written. As far as the situation goes sounds like to me you could add some more detail about the betrayl of a relationship of a daughter and a father. One of the most valuable relationships of all. None the less I give you kudos for bringing it to the fore. You stired my curiosioty to the point I can feel your pain and anguish just not sure on or as to why. I know the part about the lies and growing up in time with knowing pain of seeing things unfold. Or discovery of lies and the let downs. I would like to know as a reader perhapes about (no santuary from the pain of being forced fed) of a speech less crime. I think I know what you mean however. In that I would say your wrote it quite cleaver. Over all good write.
Submission Name: To My Father
