I'm Not Daddy Anymore by corruptedspirit

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Submission Name: I'm Not Daddy Anymore dots

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Author:	corruptedspirit
ASL Info:	26/Male/England (Swindon
Elite Ratio:	5.38 - 160/185/56
Words:	232

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	233
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1409

Description:

I'm Not Daddy Anymore dots

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My daughter won't be calling me dad,
I wasted the only chance i ever had,
If only i'd known,
Of the chance i'd blown.
Then i would of stayed,
And to god i would have prayed,
I know not if i'll ever see her again,
A feeling that causes me excrutiating pain,
I have no-one to blame but myself,
A daughter isn't something you can place on a shelf.

I left because my lover cheated,
My hearts love become depleted,
She hurt me and made me cry,
I was pathetic and this i can't deny,
I disappeared because i couldn't face my fears,
I didn't contact them for a whole two years,
To this day my heart wears the scar,
Why did i have to move so far?

My daughter now at the age of three,
I doubt she'll even remember the idiot that is me.
This thought cuts deep through my soul,
The situation now out of my control,
I wrote to my demon and asked for the second chance i once gave to she,
The response after months? Not even a word se owes to me.
For the postman never delivered my forgiveness,
And i fear my girl will never feel daddys' caress,
Will she tell my daughter that her dad is alive and well?
I guess i'll have to sit and wait for time to tell.

Submitted on 2005-12-10 06:27:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This piece really tore me up inside. As I too have a daughter, but thankfully she is with me, but her father wasn't ready for a family. And though I understood, the pain was still tremendous, and my daughter asks about him all the time.

If I may, I'll give you a bit of advice?

Don't ever stop writing, or trying to contact her, because she's still small enough that you can make an impact in her life. And if by chance you can't get through to her, write everything down, the dates, the times you tried calling etc... Because when she's grown, and if by chance she finds you, she'll know that love was never a factor, and that you did sincerely try to find her, to be part of her life.

Don't give up. This piece truly paints your picture perfectly, and it allows the reader to share your pain. I'll say a special prayer that you'll find your daughter, and that you'll be able to be the father you so desire to be. She's a lucky little girl to have a father that actually WANTS to be around. My hat goes off to you hun.

Until next time,

SorrelsReality
| Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
  You will always be daddy. even if you never find her. My advice to you is to never give up, you do have rights, and if you just "sit and wait" she will grow to hate you for not trying, if you turn up when she is 16 and say "I waited for you" it wont matter, if you show up when she is 16 and say "I've been searching for you for years!" It will make her heart explode to know she was loved all those years! Dont ever stop trying to see her and be with her, you dont have to take the mom back to be with your daughter, the laws work for the dad too. I have two ex husbands with children from both, they love their dads, and their step dads, but even tho their "real" dads never paid child support, the first one at least showed up on his weekends and took them to his house. the second one calls once a year to say Merry Christmas, the older girls cherish their dad and have gone to spend their teen years with him, the younger girls, they call their dad their "biological father" quite a big statement for 5, 7, and 9 years old. But believe me they know the difference in the man that made them and the man that loves them. Do what you can to let your daughter know you are here, and you love her. Dont lose that. As for your poem, I hate to chop up something so straight from the heart, but, I will offer my few suggestions, take them the way you want, they are just my oppinions. Line3, change I'd to I had. Line6, no And. stanza2,line2,"became".line4"I was pathetic, I can't deny."stanza3,line2, leave out "the idiot that is", I know you feel this way, but it just makes the line too long, throws the count way off!line4, leave out "my", once again just for the beat, and it is out of control, not just yours.lines5&6, I dont really know what to do about these, they are really extremely long, I know you want to keep them, but I thnk they need to be shortened. Lines7&8,I have to agree with Unspoken dreamer on those two lines, and finally the last line, never sit and wait, you must change that. you can wait, but keep trying and wait, keep looking and wait, keep dreaming and wait, but never just sit and wait! Hope I havent offended you, and I amso sorry for the situation you are in, I will pray for you and your daughter and I hope that in time you will work it all out and have many beautiful years with her!~~tracy
| Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by tmullins | [ Reply to This ]
  Regarding your situation, you were 20 back then, i understand why you did what you did. And if you still think about this and know for sure you want to be part of your daughter's life(permanantly). dont' give up. go find her. and work your a.ss off and show your efforts. 3 years isn't that bad. you can still be there for her.
another thing i found ironic which you may not be in the mood to listen to right now is that, you never found yourself able to forgive your ex for cheating on you. and now i don't think your ex can find it in herself to trust you enough to let you into her and her daughter's life. trust is a hard thing. i don't blame you for not trusting her then, and i don't blame her for not trusting you now. i think it all comes down to how much you both want it to work. go, find her, talk to her. give her some time to think it over. but don't give up. i really do wish you good luck.
your poem, i can't give you much critique. your sentiment's there. and sometimes that's really all you need.
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by denial | [ Reply to This ]
  This is incredibly sad. You did a terrible thing, but i can understand why. Whatever you do, please don't give up on your daughter. You'll never forgive yourself. Find out your legal rights. Technically, what you did is considered abandonment, so you probably don't have too many rights, but at the least you could see about visitation.
You can't replace parents. Don't sit passive and wait. It's a very complex and complicated situation. When your daughter starts going to school or daycare and learns about families and fathers day she'll know all too well what's lacking in her life and she'll think you don't care, that's the truth, and she'll probably think it's because there is something wrong with her.

Sorry to be preachy...seems trivial to comment on the write right now. Your daughter is just so much more important then your poem.
| Posted on 2005-12-11 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
  one more thing maybe change the last line to...

"I guess I'll keep counting, only time will tell"

If you decide to take my other suggestion a double reference to the counting will tie it together well I think.

Cheers
Tom
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  First and foremost... this is a terrible situation you are in. I want to tell you that you are among few who truly seek to be a part fo their childrens lives, don't give up, she needs you. You made reference to God in this piece... keep this is mind... God designed everything, created everything, and he designed reproduction to take place between a man and a women, which means it takes both to raise a child correctly... so don't give up.

On to the writing I only saw a few places I would make some changes... one is
Stanza 2 L4- change can't to cannot

Stanza 3 L5/6
"I wrote to my demon and asked for the second chance i once gave to she,
The response after months? Not even a word se owes to me."

Maybe...
"A letter to the demon, asking for a second chance
No reply after months... I think my pain is her romance"

Same stanza:

"For the postman never delivered my forgiveness,
And i fear my girl will never feel daddys' caress,"

Maybe...
"The postman came, but my forgiveness was lost
I'm still counting the days, but I didn't count the cost"

Thats all I saw... those are just suggestions. i think you have a great piece here... unfortunately when life is terrible our poetic sense tends to see its peaks. Hold on man, keep fighting.

Cheers
Tom
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  You know man, I cannot express my sorrows. You know it is hard to loose somthing like that. And I am sure that you have kicked your own ass a couple of hundred times over it. But man, I just want you to think about this, she will find you. A child never looses the love that a father and daughter share. You ran out. Left your daughter, and that is somthing that you are gonna have to explain to her one day. It will suck, she will hate you for abandoning her. A daughter needs her father just as much as the mother. You gave up your rights to being her daddy. I cannot blame the mom for not answering your calls, you left and never looked back. I dont know if there was anything else like drugs that were involved or if you left because you thought that they would be better without you, but that is your child. Im not jumpin down your throat, it just piches me wrong. My father abandoned me for drugs, told me that he loved the pot more than me, and now is serving two life sentences in prison. I felt as though I didnt get a real reason, like the drugs were a copout because he wasnt ready to be a father, and didnt want the responcability. But man, look, you were there for the birth, and for a year. My fiance and I have been trying to have a baby, and I dont think that I can. You know? Be thankful for what you did get to have. On with the nitpicking details on the poem. It is deep, and full of emotion, but it lacks substance. A stable pattern of rhyme and rythm. But over all it is pretty good. Incorperate the rymes with the flow of the syllables. It gives a symmatry to it, more substance. Just remember, she will come looking. But keep your head up. Good luck.
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by poeticvisionary | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm really sorry for you. I admit that I'm even more sorry for your daughter, but at least you've realised that what you did was a mistake. Back to the poem. I somewhat agree with Sandi on the fact that with personal poems, it's so much easier (and the outcome's better) to use simple every-day words.

I have a few suggestions for this piece, of course it's up to you whether you'd like to take any into account. Most of the adjustments are due to flow. Take a look at this:

"My daughter won't be calling me Dad
I wasted the only chance I had
If only I'd known,
Of the chance I'd blown,
Then of course I would've stayed
And to God I would've prayed.

I know not if I'll ever see her again,
Ignorance is causing me so much pain,
But I've got no-one to blame but myself
A daughter ain't something you can place on the shelf.

I left because my lover cheated;
My heart's match become depleted.
She hurt me hard and made me cry,
I was pathetic - I can't deny,
I left because I couldn't face my fears,
Didn't contact them for a whole two years.
Nothing heals my heart's deep scar,
What on earth made me move so far?

My daughter now at the age of three,
I doubt she even remembers me.
This thought repeatedly stabs at my soul,
The situation's out of my control"

Now here I have to stop. The two lines "I wrote to my demon and asked for the second chance i once gave to she, The response after months? Not even a word she owes to me." Those two lines just don't fit in. I thought about two rhyming lines with the same meaning but in rhythm with the rest of the poem, but I couldn't find anything that didn't change either the meaning or the rhyme scheme (she/me). Maybe you could change that verse altogether, I suggest you do so, cause somehow although the meaning and wording is fine, those two lines ruin the rhythm of the poem.

As for the last four lines, they're perfect. I especially like the last one, gives the poem a terrific ending, with just the effect you were looking for.

Sorry for the long comment, but you asked for input. I hope some of my suggestions are of use, I know this poem means alot to you. I pray things go well and you're daughter will grow up with her father by her side.

Peace.
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  sad story. as for the poem, well its my belief that there are somethings that people just can't write about because its much too personal. I think that this is one of them. Not in terms of 'don't share this story' but i've noticed that there are some parts of the poem ex:
I left because my lover cheated,
I didn't contact them for a whole two years,

that just took away from the piece. this is obviously a subject that is very painful to you, and sometimes, the only way to really convey exactly how you feel is using simple sentences like the ones that I picked out. Now, I'm not sure if any of what I said made sense at all. But, those lines stuck out as being odd because the rest of the poem your true poetic skills flourished. I'm truely sorry for your situation and I wish you the best of luck for the future.
**sandi**
| Posted on 2005-12-10 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]

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